#1
poem.
C4C (this is the first time i've ever said that so take advantage )


Her appearance, her appeal,
hanging here in front of me
in silver bells, at the bottom
of my washed out wishing well.
String taut, reflecting the weight
of her decision at the hands of gravity.
To say her countenance is frigid
would be an understatement.
To say my countenance is
wading through the shallows
wouldn't be a statement at all.
"I swear I've only ever lied
through false teeth" I say,
As she fills my pockets with memories
that she doesn't want to be seen with,
but that I just can't throw away.
If things keep going in this direction
I'll wish this well to be my grave.
I'll find that I can be happy here,
because I'm just miserable
when everything is real.
#2
I picked off a couple of things that I had a problem with, re-read them, and they vanished.

The ending didn't work for me personally.. it read awkwardly, just that last line, but that is most probably just personal....

I find it difficult to crit pieces like this, as it seems you've looked over it a few times and all I can do is give my impression of the piece as whole..

It's a great bit of writing. I paticularly loved the countenance part.
#3
Originality and style were refreshing... the ending was my problem, it seemed perhaps too abrupt. Don't feel obliged to end it with a powerful line or whatever. Rest was fine.. Good job.
#5
Thanks guys.

I'll take another look at the ending. I'm not too fond of it myself.

I'll be busy for the next couple of days but will get to returning comments/crits afterwards. Leave a link if you want a return.
#6
I just re-read this and i like it even more now.

I think it's one of those pieces, when you go back to, there's something more you uncover and something more that interests you.
#7
"As she fills my pockets with memories
that she doesn't want to be seen with"

Ahhh my god man, thats great!

Not much I can suggest... Maybe using some more descriptive words at some points but other than that, it's great man.
#9
I can tell i need to read more from you...most of the lines are of high quality and are very original. I'm not sure why i've never read much of you, i have been here forever. Anyway, very impressive, and i would be honored if you looked at my latest, should be on the front page somewhere.