#1
Parachute

Fate, It leads me to believe
Believe in only you
Believe in whats left of me

It leads me to believe
The shimmer of hope
Hope that you're the one to rescue me

(chorus)
And you are my, my way out, you're my escape route, my escape route
And you are my, my refuge, you're my parachute, you're my parachute

That saves, Saves me from this world
All smiles and nothing real
Nothing but your hand to hold onto

I hold onto, All I have
Which is you, my redemption

(chorus)


Im falling, out of the sky
Im falling, Im falling
You're erupting, right behind
You're erupting, exploding, igniting
And you save me, You always will

You are my, You are my
You are my, You are my
You are my, my refuge, my parachute, my parachute
#2
Quote by BigWillE24302


Fate, It leads me to believe
Believe in only you
Believe in whats left of me

good opening, a little cliche, but good. consider changing what's to the full what is... as it gives more emphasis and I think flows better. I like the internal repetition of 'believe' here.

It leads me to believe
The shimmer of hope
Hope that you're the one to rescue me

Ok, to be honest, I don't want to see believe any more after the first verse... a bit of a personal preference... but where I liked how it tied the first verse together, its getting overuses. I like the rest though.

(chorus)
And you are my, my way out, you're my escape route, my escape route
And you are my, my refuge, you're my parachute, you're my parachute

I guess it depends on how you are hearing it in your head... but to me, I think if you drop the repetitive part within each line... you give each line a lot more meaning... instead of almost trivializing the emotion by stretching the line out. that's probably just me though.

That saves, Saves me from this world
All smiles and nothing real
Nothing but your hand to hold onto

Good. Love the second line in this section... consider taking out the 'and' and replacing with a semi-colon... short can be powerful.


I hold onto, All I have
Which is you, my redemption

good closure to the verse... that's all I got.

(chorus)


Im falling, out of the sky
Im falling, Im falling
You're erupting, right behind
You're erupting, exploding, igniting
And you save me, You always will

Not sure what right behind is refering too... maybe try to clarify that, or use a better adjective phrase.
Again, personal preference... I'd drop the second erupting and stretch the word igniting... make it hold with the flow of the verse without the repetition... so it would be:

"you're exploding, igni--ting"

Also, maybe switch igniting and erupting... because if you aren't repeating igniting, it won't sound to silly... and it will make more sense in a chronological sense... because how you have it now, you have her already erupting before ignition. I hope that makes sense... if not, as for clarification.


You are my, You are my
You are my, You are my
You are my, my refuge, my parachute, my parachute


Overall, very good. It floats with cliche, but remains stylish enough to not fall into that realm. Very good work. Only problems I had were personal preference... and the fact that you need to punctuate.

Also, I really like that you don't use overly big words and are still able to convey your point and emotion... I like that in a writer, as it is my style and I have a limited vocabulary. So kudos on that.


9/10

peace and coconuts,

-ZC


C4C my piece Bumper Sticker Politics (in sig)?
#5
i like its over all its a good song, after the intro 'believe' was used a little much( personal preferance). the first chorus to after the second chorus is great, i like it dont change anything. however personally when you get to the exploding right behind part it gets a little chopy maybe if there was music to it it wouldnt seem that way. but its a good song 4/5
#6
i really loved the structure it was very well written, im just startin to post my writing would you please crit my stuff cjsquid420 the name of my peace is follow me tell me what you think
#7
I actually liked this song a lot. But the crits provided do seem to make sense...make the chorus a little bit less repetitive. Cut down on the repetition of "my escape route" and "my parachute" and try making the other words long drawn, should fit in better.
Thats bout it i guess. Some more work, and you've got yourself a good enough song!