#1
a work in progress

Straps her boots on tightly,
just to see if she might fit in.
she walks for miles,
she was better off where she begins

See that angel face,
give a wave as it all passes by.
Rimmed in white-lines,
that converge as we come down,
we come down.

take me down,
you take me down.

So take down your sheets,
send the prisoners back.
we got what we need right here,
and we'll make it last.

come on down to my place,
come let me tell you everything's just fine.
come let me bring you inside my life, in my head
and I won't have to tell you everything's all right.
The woman in you, is the worry, the worry in me
Ben Harper
Last edited by cobalt at Oct 18, 2007,
#2
Quote by cobalt
a work in progress

Straps her boots on tightly,
just to see if she might fit in.
she walks for miles,
she was better off where she begins

See that angel face,
give a wave as it all passes by.
Rimmed in white-lines,
that converge as we come down,
we come down.

take me down,
you take me down.

So take down your sheets,
send the prisoners back.
we got what we need right here,
and we'll make it last.

come on down to my place,
come let me tell you everything's just fine.
come let me bring you inside my life, in my head
and I won't have to tell you everything's all right.


Quick side thought... my best friend ever and probably biggest love I've let slip away was named Bridget (she went to college far away)... so reading this was almost a surreal experience.

Love the theme and the thought of the first verse, but that last line just kind of trips me up when I try to sing it... "Began" would be correct, but I'm not sure if you're intentionally using wrong tense...

Second verse is very good... wouldn't change a thing except maybe reconsider the word "rimmed", just kind of an unpoetic word...

Like the parallelism in the next two stanzas... 4th stanza has very varying lengths as far as syllables... would have to hear it put to a melody to see if that one works...

Last verse is my favorite lyrically, but really not sure how you will make the last two lines fit as they seem to be completely out of the rhythm...

I like the lyrics, don't know if it was because of the title or not, but I really almost connected with the song... Only real critique would be to make sure it all flows as you don't have a rhyme scheme or a standard rhythm.


Here's mine if you get a chance:
https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=694708
Please don't confront me with my failures. I had not forgotten them.
#3
thanks for the crit
The woman in you, is the worry, the worry in me
Ben Harper