#1
Wet Paint-
don't touch; it might stain.
You'll spend the rest of the day
scratching at the mark.

She's like that; starts with a hello,
concludes with a goodnight.

Though sometimes she's the opposite;
look but don't touch, pulled
but snapped-back; elastic.

You see, in the end,
it only takes half the phrase
for anyone to comprehend.

Good girl,


I can't promise critiques back right now. I'll do my best, but bear that in mind.
Last edited by Jammydude44 at Oct 20, 2007,
#4
Quote by Jammydude44

don't touch; it might stain.
You'll spend the rest of the day
scratching at the mark.

I like it. only thing I can say is instead of 'the mark' maybe 'that mark.' Honestly, either sounds fine to me... but just a suggestion.


She's like that; starts with a hello,
continues to include a goodnight.

With the second line, instead of 'continues to include' could you go with 'concludes with a goodnight' using the repetition of 'with a' to tie the lines more closely? Again, just another suggestion... sounds good as is.

I like the build up you are making here... oh, and thank you for punctuating.


Then sometimes she's the opposite;
look but don't touch, pulled
but snapped-back; elastic.

Change 'then' to 'though' it sounds more intellectual... I don't really like the line break behind pulled. But, I don't know where else you could put it. I like the idea here though, especially considering the (not trying to be sexist, just speaking from experience) the elasticity of female moods.

You see, in the end,
it only takes half the phrase
for anyone to comprehend.

Good girl,

Love the internal rhyme. Great flow. Not sure why there is a ',' after girl though.


Overall, good piece. I like the topic, the grammar and diction were good. I like how there weren't any over the top huge words, but it still gets more of a point across than pieces with crazy words. The flow was solid... a little sketchy at times, but nothing to complain about, and that is easily fixed with the tempo with which you read.

9/10.

Good work.

If you do get a chance, I have two newish pieces up, Bumper Sticker Politics and Untitled (links in sig). If not, no worries.

Peace and coconuts,

-ZC
#5
Hey,

I enjoyed this...

I wish there was some way that the first bit could be a ABA scheme as the last bit is, it would tie up nicely but there's no way to invert the lines without sounding awkward.

I love love love the title & of course the way you continue with it with the likeness to her. Begins with a hello and concludes with a goodnight...lovely

The line that gave me trouble was:

"Though sometimes, she's the opposite"

It felt too explanatory. Particularly in conjunction with the next few lines, I felt you should have left it a little more open. Something like:

"But sometimes- maybe "yet" or "although" instead of but, since you use that twice in the following lines
look but don't touch, pulled
but snapped-back; elastic.


But I don't want to change your meaning or tone or anything. Just a suggestion. And I don't mean to be disagreeable, Mr. Cross ^ but I love the line break.

Is "good girl" supposed to be half a phrase? Cause it didn't show without the comma, which I suppose you've taken out, or else it's not supposed to be half a phrase at all and I'm taking it incorrectly. It's just that you mentioned half a phrase which seemed so clever and then it just went away... There should be half a phrase somewhere .