#1
Hey,

Just an angry piece I wrote.


Shallowness and arrogance,
Seem to fall hand in hand.
In your world, where gossip is a life blood,
And drama is one of the basic needs.

If hate was an art, you’d make me Picasso.

You’re ugly,
You torment my dreams by simply appearing.
People like you are the reason personality is important…
Yet, you fall short in that realm as well.

If murder was an art, you’d make me Michelangelo.



c4c as always
#2
I like the message given, but it's pretty unclear on what it really is, and it seems a bit too short, I'd like it better if there was more about this person who hate. Maybe throw in some fancy vocab. Alot of potential, just needs some work.
Your head slowly caves in from the compression
#3
isnt that two for you today ZC?
tsk tsk
not reported of course

anyway, of the second quatrain i have this to say:

People like you are the reason personality is important…
Yet, you fall short in that realm as well.
this is redundant. you imply in the first line here that the girl has no personality, then simply repeat the fact next line.

also:

In your world, where gossip is a life blood,
And drama is one of the basic needs.
maybe its because i have a 13 year old sister who watches the hills too much, but the word "drama" just sounds like something she would say, possibly try to find another word for it?

lastly, i think the word murder may be the wrong word in the last line.
in my personal opinion, using the word hate again, or a synonym for it, wouldnt be a sin
then again i do have a bit of a repetition problem.

so basically pretty minor issues with this piece, just fix that second quatrain, besides the murder/drama thing.

if your going to crit back, crit something on my personal profile (this one is for band stuff)

Oh, Mother Ocean - https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=588690
Joe Box - https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=691244
Cubicle - https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=693805
#5
well at least i took the time to think about what i was typing about dates beforte typing it, so that i didnt feel like an idiot.

sarcasm implied.
#6
Damn it. I had typed out my thoughts but then closed the damn window. Don't worry, I'll edit this post or something later. For now, I liked some parts, disliked some, shows a lot of potential.
#7
Quote by ZanasCross
Shallowness and arrogance,
Seem to fall hand in hand.
In your world, where gossip is a life blood,
And drama is one of the basic needs.
This seemed good, i didn't really understand the 3rd line. But its probably because of lack of knowledge not because its written wrong.

If hate was an art, you’d make me Picasso.
Nothing that i see.

You’re ugly,
You torment my dreams by simply appearing.
People like you are the reason personality is important…
Yet, you fall short in that realm as well.
I don't see anything wrong here just that that first line, to me, doesnt really seem to have an impact, I don't think its very necessary

If murder was an art, you’d make me Michelangelo.
Good.


Overall very good, nothing wrong that i spotted that affected it. sorry i got to this a little late, thnx for the crit.
#8
Quote by ZanasCross

Shallowness and arrogance,
Seem to fall hand in hand.
I love the vibe this gives off right away.
In your world, where gossip is a life blood,
And drama is one of the basic needs.
Again, good good.

If hate was an art, you’d make me Picasso.
I especially love this line, and how you have it isolated.

You’re ugly,
You torment my dreams by simply appearing.
This could probably be said in a more appealing way.
People like you are the reason personality is important…
Yet, you fall short in that realm as well.
And this is good, I like it.

If murder was an art, you’d make me Michelangelo.
Same with my above comment.


I really like this piece. You definitely got your emotion out and there's nothing significant I can use to complain about.

Thanks for the crit on my piece, btw.
i look down at my hands,
like they were mirrors.
#9
First of all thanks for the crit. I appreciate it. The first stanza was great way to open the piece. I was definitely able to feel your anger. The suggestion I have is to maybe drop the "a" before "lifeblood" and changing "one fo the basic needs" to "a necessity". I really liked the two solitary lines about Picasso and Michelangelo. However, I would switch the artists around. So it should be "If hate was an art, you'd make me Michelangelo" and "If murder was an art you'd make me picasso." That way the syllable count is more even for those lines. Now, the "You're ugly" stanza needs some work. The opening just really bugs. I suggest combining the first two lines to. "Your ugly appearance torments my dreams". The third line of this stanza just seems too long. Maybe cut it down to "Giving merit to personality". Anyways, I hope my crit was able to help.
#10
Shallowness and arrogance,
Seem to fall hand in hand.
In your world, where gossip is a life blood,
And drama is one of the basic needs.

i can deffinently feel the anger coming out of this fisrt paragraph its practically seeping outta my computer but nothing wrong here and so far nice flow/ryme scheme

If hate was an art, you’d make me Picasso. i love this line i think it is very uniquely beautiful and so far still flowing great

You’re ugly,
You torment my dreams by simply appearing.= i like how it is a vague ryhme
People like you are the reason personality is important…= good flow from line above
Yet, you fall short in that realm as well.= okay this doesnt seem to fit very well with the other lines but its not bad just doesnt sound right.

If murder was an art, you’d make me Michelangelo. i really like the metaphorical view on this but i think for people to understand what your saying here they would have to be an intellect or at least know something about micheangelo

but overall i deffinently can feel the anger your conveying
andits a beautifully complicated piece you have a very nice metaphorical talent!!!!!
have you checked out my piece girls are ****ing evil my friend
https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=709143
and if you have already checked it out and crited it thanks but if you havent then check it out and tell me how much you think it sucks i like the harsh rip it apart kinda crits they seem to be more help-full unless you honestly like thats another story alltogether though
C4C?
#11
Shallowness and arrogance,
Seem to fall hand in hand.
In your world, where gossip is a life blood,
And drama is one of the basic needs.

Typical woman right there. Obsessed with controversy and fools. as if all is a cure for self-loathe and lack of self-esteem, with their mouths like crust.
Anyway i like the stanza here.


If hate was an art, you’d make me Picasso.

You’re ugly,
You torment my dreams by simply appearing.
People like you are the reason personality is important…
Yet, you fall short in that realm as well.

Very hard hitting and hunting, maybe you should make the stanza a bit longer, as it feels a bit empty.

If murder was an art, you’d make me Michelangelo.

Overall a good job. With motives provided from such a short piece. But with that said i still think you should make the piece a bit longer and elaborate more on your simile.7.5/10
Last edited by Bleed Away at Nov 11, 2007,