#1
I walk slowly across the school
play-ground.
Not much playing going on,
though.
Everyone is standing silently
amongst
the twisted, coarse, unevenly
shaped
metal structures. No longer do
smiles
cross their lips of aluminium.

Is this what time will bring us all to?
Endless decay,
we will rust in the water and
the swings will wrinkle
with the pass of age.
Tears would drop from my eyes
if it weren’t for the fact
that I’m far too immature to let myself
weep
in front of anything that once resembled emotion.

Is it that I’m a coward?
Doomed to hide under my own face,
as the cockroach will scatter at the sight
of the bright lights.

I’m exhausted as I step over some chalk markings
on the ground.
It seems that I no longer digest symbols
thrown upon me.
I don’t see the smirks, winks, grins, smiles, scowls
and overall sensation of odious disgust
that lingers in the air. There is nothing to be done,
your pessimistic attitude has ruined everything so far.

If only, if only, I could be the owner of mother nature,
I could ask the plants for help.
If only, if only, I could be the owner of the universe
I could juggle with the planets,
Sun for the audience.
If only, if only, I could be the owner of
good vision.

It’s been a day into depression,
Poetry
is hardly pushing me along.
Last edited by confusius at Oct 19, 2007,
#2
This is really good. Sorry, I don't really have time to give a full breakdown crit (putting off Homework) but I'll give you a basic one.

1st stanza: Good opening and imagery... I like how you've set the scene. Not sure I like the line breaks and the one word left alone, as often that word doesn't seem like a strong enough word to stand out on its own... and leaving it alone doesn't really add to its power any... it just seems kind of awkward.

2nd: I like the first 4 lines... but the pass of age, sounds awkward to me, maybe reword it some how, as I like the message, it just doesn't read well to me. The immature line kills the flow for me... as does having weep sit alone... consider shortening the line and then throwing weep on at the end of it, I think it will read better.

3rd: Very good. not much to say.

4th - End: Highlight of the piece... I'd suffer through most anything you could write to read this stanza, save for the last line. I don't get the good vision part... you might need to clarify if you are talking about a vision as in "see the future/have an idea" type of vision... otherwise it just doesn't make sense. However, the rest of the lines are spectacular.

'Poetry' is the only stand alone line I really liked in the whole piece, just as a sidenote.

overall, very good work. 9/10.

c4c untitled or Bumper Sticker Politics?

peace and coconuts,

-ZC
#3
Kind of interesting for the most part...if you really wanted this to be a great piece, i think there is some editing to be done to trim some of the fat here and there and a few of the ideas that kind of drag along.
Personally, I am not a big fan of the ending verse...it is just kind of bland and I don't think it supports the rest of the piece very well. The second to last verse also seems a little out of place and forced.

Overall, I think if you really work with the first three or four stanza's and scrap the rest, you may actually have a more thought provoking piece. but that's just me.

check mine, should be on or near the front page.
#4
Yeah, I agree with you on the last to verses. I didn't really know how to finish off, I'd pretty much ran out of steam. So I threw them in. . It's really an unfinished piece with an ending.
#5
lol, Guess I'm in the minority. Just as a sidenote, now that I've re-read it again after hearing someone else say to look more closely at those pieces... they really aren't too connected, but I still think it sounds good. It just doesn't sound like filler... so I say maybe start another piece with that. Specifically the 'if only' stanza. It's a bit cliche... but it has such a good flow to it, I would like to see what you could do with it.
#6
Quote by confusius
I walk slowly across the school
play-ground.
Not much playing going on,
though.
Everyone is standing silently
amongst
the twisted, coarse, unevenly
shaped
metal structures. No longer do
smiles
cross their lips of aluminium.

The enjambment is terrible, like honestly, it's straight awful. It makes me want to stop reading, it's jumpy and awful. Like seriously, wow. I can't get over how someone thinking these line breaks were a good idea, I can't. The descriptions were awkward and overly dramatic.

Everyone is standing silently
amongst
the twisted, coarse, unevenly
shaped
metal structures


Seriously? Why not just say ugly jungle-gym. This description is what points out to me most of the praise you get is unwarranted, and you need to totally practice more and more. It's really tacky, and meaty (as BJ said) and slows down the point. If your trying to describe things beautifully, you failed as describing a jungle like that is just ludicrious. Anyway, bad opening, I didn't feel like I was compelled to go on but for the sake of telling you what you're doing wrong (in my opinion) in the majority of your pieces, I will.



Is this what time will bring us all to?
Endless decay,
we will rust in the water and
the swings will wrinkle
with the pass of age.
Tears would drop from my eyes
if it weren’t for the fact
that I’m far too immature to let myself
weep
in front of anything that once resembled emotion.

Again, awful enjambment. You've taken your faily simplistic earlier stanza about a playground (although your descriptions were so pretentiously over dramatic that it was anything but simple) and you've moved into this psuedo philosophy about time and weeping. You've lost me, and I just don't care anymore. Also, there is little to no flow, this is basically prose with line breaks, bad line breaks mind you.

Is it that I’m a coward?
Doomed to hide under my own face,
as the cockroach will scatter at the sight
of the bright lights.

Doesn't really add anything to be honest, except confusion. Is a fifth grader saying this? I know it said "I" in the first stanza, but still, I just don't get it or care enough to get it. Did the sight of the playground make you think this? Ugh, it's frustrating.

I’m exhausted as I step over some chalk markings
on the ground.
It seems that I no longer digest symbols
thrown upon me.
I don’t see the smirks, winks, grins, smiles, scowls
and overall sensation of odious disgust
that lingers in the air. There is nothing to be done,
your pessimistic attitude has ruined everything so far.

Okay, now there is another character in this, the "you." Which is vague and it's why I hate using it, because it's impersonal and personal at the same time. I don't have a pessimistic attitude, so don't talk to the reader like this. It's generally a terrible idea. Use a gender specific pronoun to alude to something, his/her would drastically change the tone of this poem. Yet, using you adds nothing. I felt the descriptions in this stanza were over bearing and pressing me into a corner, you are beating me over the head with your descriptions, which aren't that great, like, "odious digust." It sounds bad, and basically means zilch. Why does it smell like odious digust? You give me nothing except that, and I don't care. You could have written a whole stanza on why it smells like that, why it is lingering, but you go into a tangent about a random character. It's poor pacing and structure.

If only, if only, I could be the owner of mother nature,
I could ask the plants for help.
If only, if only, I could be the owner of the universe
I could juggle with the planets,
Sun for the audience.
If only, if only, I could be the owner of
good vision.

Is this from a different poem, because it has no reason being in this. I don't even know what the hell you are talking about, I just noticed that those awful line breaks are gone too, which was making it easier to read, but the inclusion of all this completely unconnected rambling is boringly bad.

It’s been a day into depression,
Poetry
is hardly pushing me along.

Line break is back, at the end, where it doesn't belong. Uhhh, other than that, what I take from this was you walked through a park and got really philosophical and depressed, and wrote about it, and I found it kind of meandering, it was stream of consciousness in a really, really bad way, and I thought you managed to do it in the worst way possible. Stream of consciousness almost never works in short random bursts, you take a random thought and you write about it for awhile until you naturally progress into something else, it's the natural progression of conversation and thought. Not randomly writing little blurbs about philosophy, a play ground, and a still random and never mentioned second character.


Overall, it was bad, random and barely conscious about it's own meandering bullshit. It wasn't coherant in my opinion and wandered around itseld sniffing it's own ass, with the overly dramatic descriptions that really added nothing.

Sorry I was harsh, no one is anymore, but what it's worth, you're a creative guy and if you can channel that into a.) good writing, and b.) not that childish crap you did just to "piss people off" you might be able to write something worth reading.

-matt-
www.facebook.com/longlostcomic
Last edited by Something_Vague at Oct 20, 2007,
#7
Hey kyrl.

Sadly, I have to agree with Matt on the most part. He's right with most of what he said. I was everything but a fan of those line breaks.

Hit me on msn, and I'll give you a full crit on this here.
#9
Already spoken with you about this, no need to say much more. But... that stanza with 'as the cockroach ...' is great! Wish I'd written that one.
#10
Wow, those line breaks aren't doing you any favours.

"with the pass of age. "

Nail in the coffin of jumpy reading.