#1
much more of a song format than I usually write in...I actually like this, and to think halfway through it I almost scrapped it. Enjoy.


***
He was in too many ways;
(wanted).
in too many states,
(flaunting);
the claims that made them ask his age.
"I'll be okay," he'd say,
in his grandma's back seat
holding his wrist with a bandage.

(Sold it);
that old tent where he stuffed the knifes
under a bed-sheet
(Contorted);
like the break of a bone
cause he couldn't dial the correct number
on the rotary phone.

And that's where he left the body
with a shiver to greet the cold
there are no worms that want to take it
their arms are lying adjacent
it's in the news
it's in the news.

About then he stopped counting the days
(instituted);
with all the sinners
you would ever want to meet
(eluded);
all the proper evaluations and conversations,
to inject another grain of salt into the wound
which everyone thought was his.

And there he managed to crack a smile.
Worth the while to stand in single file.
And there he managed to crack a smile.

That's where he left the bodies
with a shiver to greet the cold
there are no worms that want to take it
their arms are lying adjacent

It's in the news
(he cracked a smile)
it's in the news
(standing in single file)
it's in the news.
Last edited by streetcarp19 at Oct 19, 2007,
#2
Quote by streetcarp19
much more of a song format than I usually write in...I actually like this, and to think halfway through it I almost scrapped it. Enjoy.


***

He was in too many ways;
(wanted).
in too many states, <--- I know you changed this to avoid the repetition of ways but does state really work with flaunting?
(flaunting);
the claims that made them ask his age.
"I'll be okay," he'd say, <--- I'm not sure if I liked the ay/ay rhyme.
in his grandma's back seat
holding his wrist with a bandage.
I liked this quite a bit, I'm sure it's my naivety but I don't understand the last two lines. I'll read it again tomorrow see if it clears up a bit after some sleep.

(Sold it);
that old tent where he stuffed the knifes
under a bed-sheet
(Contorted); like they it/ed rhyme
like the break of a bone <-- Is a bone contorted when broken? Same issue as with state and flaunting.
cause he couldn't dial the correct number
on the rotary phone.
More of the same sort of confusion as with the granny line. I'll read this again tomorrow and if I can't work it out, I'll ask you.

And that's where he left the body
with a shiver to greet the cold
there are no worms that want to take it
there arms are lying adjacent <--- I loved this it/ent and the fact this just worked smoothly. Great job up to here.
it's in the news
it's in the news.
This repetition didn't give me that much, if you could say it that way. It was just there. =/ I don't know how to explain
About then he stopped counting the days
(instituted);
with all the sinners
you would ever want to meet
(eluded);
all the proper evaluations and conversations, <-- I liked
to inject another grain of salt into the wound<-- I felt that was a bit to wordy. It works great, sounds nice, but not here. Inject another grain just sounds out of place
which everyone thought was his.

And there he managed to crack a smile.
Worth the while to stand in single file.
And there he managed to crack a smile.
Hrm, I don't know about this. It doesn't really do much on it's own, and I think there are more creative ways to put this. The AAA scheme put me off a bit, but that's just a personal taste thing more than actual writing quality

That's where he left the bodies
with a shiver to greet the cold
there are no worms that want to take it
there arms are lying adjacent
ditto
It's in the news
(he cracked a smile)
it's in the news
(stand in single file)
it's in the news.
You manage to round off that other verse with the brackets here, but I still stand by saying that it could be done better




I really enjoyed this, I liked the way you went about writing it, except for those one or two verses I thought were a bit off in comparison to the rest. Some really clever wording here, and lots of little bits and pieces.

It's literally all praise from me. I don't know if that's a good or a bad thing.

Kyrl
#3
Completely solid, I read through it once, and I nodded in approval, and I felt you did a pretty great job writing this.

I think it lacks some kind of umph, but that's totally fine, because sometimes when a piece relies on a single line to provide the umph it diminishes the rest you know? Anyway, great job, much better than the last piece.

It reminded me a bit of the show, "Dexter" about the serial killer fella, but that's neither here nor there, still consistant and solid.

Also, the narrative aspect here is pretty excellent, the story telling is superb.

Mine's floating on the first page, check it out if you get the time broseph.
www.facebook.com/longlostcomic
#4
A thanks to both of you....confusious, it seemed like you were picking it apart a little to much and not letting it come to you as a whole. Just my take.

And matt, thank you sir, and i got to your latest, though it is more of a interpretation than a crit.
#6
Thank you for the cirt on my piece. I appreciate it. I think the parenthical words are unneccessary, save for the last stanza. To me, they just ruin the flow. I would either ditch those words or just get rid on the parentheses. Also, in the first stanza you use that "a" rhyme too much. I think the first verse would look better if it was something like:
He was wanted in too many states
For flaunting the claims that they made
But he was sure that he'd be okay.

Also that "grandma" doesn't seem to fit well. I understand what it's about and that it's probably some sort of personal reference, but I'd like to see a line that rhymes with bandage. Well, I think I've spent enough time picking out some "flaws". The rest of the piece was great and I especially enjoyed the refrain. "That's where he left the bodies/With a shiver to greet the cold". That right there is an awesome. Anyways, it was nice reading more from you.
#8
Thanks for the help TMV...i will look into some of your suggestions.

steve- I eagerly await your your crit.