#1
and so the cars outisde my window were actually waves.
slipped in off of the sill, they carried me away.
swimming out to sea and thats where i stay,
learn to live among the fish and seaweed. maaade

friends with the mermaid who was secretly in love with the whale.
buts thats another tale...in itself.
its just that i felt so raised,
slipping in and out of those ocean waves.

*chorus*
some things were made for many/one thing for me.
that one thing is the sea.
well some things were made for many/one thing for me.
that one thing is the sea.

walkin through the mountains as a child,
gasping for air, nothing could compare
to the moment we reached that glacier stream.
and i plunged beneath those icy waters.
i could finally breathe.
felt this release, the sweet relief; i was relieved
oh i could finally breathe

*chorus*

once i was drivin through the flat plains
wheezing and dizzy, people with me
asking why im so awry
all i could do was reply
with this:
i am a fish, all scales and gills, and i need water.

*chorus*


...many and one are sung at the same time, overlapping in harmony
Last edited by bazookatooth at Oct 19, 2007,
#2
Hey, thanks for looking at my piece.

The first two verses were spectacular. I loved them... was absolutely into them. So muchos kudos to you. However, I didn't like the repetition in the chorus. I feel like it isn't complex enough to warrant three repetitions... and please don't take than condescendingly... but if I'm gonna hear something three or four times in a row... I want it to be deep enough that I might draw multiple meanings from it, but hear its just so straight forward, its like banging your head against the wall after the first couple times... because I already get it.

The next verse is good... save for I think again, you have one to many repetitions. Repetition has its place, and I realize you are going for melody here, but I feel like it slows your piece to a halt and makes it hard to read the rest of it, because i lost my focus in the repetition, because it doesn't hold my attention. But, I did follow what you were going for and I feel like it was well written.

The last verse doesn't really fit in my opinion. It feels like a bit of filler... like you are trying to re-stress the point you made in the last stanza. honestly, I think you can cut that part out. Also, I think this verse lost good standing with me, because the part you repeated seemed a bit too immature for the piece. The way it was worded made it seem like an elementary school kids imagination (forgive me for being harsh, but it is my honest opinion). You certainly have room to expand more on the idea, but I feel like the last stanza is not the way to go.

Overall, very solid piece. And I'd love to see more from you, and honestly, I'd like to see what you can do with throwing another verse in, and removing the last one, because this could be a very good piece, as it is very original and the idea is done well.

let me know if when/if you put something else up.

peace and coconuts,

-ZC
#3
thanks a lot ZC
1)i fixed all that repetition, though im still debating whether to keep it in or not when preforming it, cause it works well melodically.
ill probably try it a few times with out it and base the decision off that.
2)as for that last verse, i edited it a bit, but im not quite ready to delete it. i know theres room to expand, i just feel like i cant find it. and ive actually been working on that last verse for some time...ive just hit a mental block i suppose.
3)ill let you know when i do...should be soon...you do likewise.
4)"peace and coconuts"--perfect