#1
Crit 4 crit, leave a link. I know full critting this will be a bit, but your thoughts will be well appreciated. This is my third take at something like this, my last two attempts weren't that great, hopefully this will put me in the right direction, I really find this kind of poetry appealing, and with what some of the other writers on this board are doing I think I might try to hop on that band wagon, and see if I can try and do what I did with my style and maybe make this unique and interesting.

Anyway, here it is; any suggestions are welcome as this is something I want to get better at.

Enjoy.

Buildings Are Falling Down On Her


thinking of
_____________
| e |
| m |
| p |
| t |
| y |
| |
| |
-------------
Places,

I
thought of
her,
|
|
|
|
|
|
O
stranger?
Stranger.

_______________
| [m] |
| [a] |
| [n] |
| |
| [v] |
| [i] |
| [l] |
| [d] |
| |
---------------
The man
comes out
alive.
Round Two;
The wild
destroys
his home,
his family,
him.
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
!
O
/|\
/

Hangman anyone? I'll give
you guys a hint.

Th_ W_ld W_ns.
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Last edited by Something_Vague at Oct 20, 2007,
#2
Well, to be honest, I dont really understand it all. Other than the fact the wild wins the fight. Its really sweet somehow though. So, Good work haha. I enjoy reading it
#3
Thanks, it's fairly abstract but it has a strong personal meaning.
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#4
This is pretty interesting, but I don't understand the connection with the beginning and the rest. It starts out about a girl (her..?) and then changes and sticks, never bringing that back up again, and its kind of, well , jumpy for me. Well, it is still pretty interesting anyways. Structure is pretty cool. =]
#5
Well It has a personal meaning, that's why the her is there, and to me the wild represents the girl, but that's what I got when I was writing it, you can take anything from it.

Thanks for reading though.
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#6
I can easily see the her/wild connection
with the
man vs wild part

and

like I told you on msn,
I loved the second guess.

This is black-dotted,
I'll crit this in depth soon enough.
#7
This could be pushing it, but I think you could go as far as to say that the wild is refering to society in general and how this is become a much more feminized nation that even five years ago. If you think about it, everything it tended towards the wild, and unfortunetly, the are some of the wild who take advantage of that fact.
#9
Righto, first of all, thanks for the crit, I liked the way you showed me the harsher side of things and I appreciate the fact that you put me down time and time again.

Now, I'd like to say, I loved this. It was a great shape poem. Extremely creative, and I loved the way you did it. All of those little messages and hints towards the meaning were great, but I still believe it's up to everyone to find their own meaning. I found mine, I do not wish to share, but to back up my statement, here is a quote from Housman, the poet:

"When the meaning of a poem is obscure, it is due to one of three causes. Either the author through lack of skill has failed to express his meaning; or he has concealed it intentionally; or he has no meaning either to conceal or express. In none of these cases does he like to be asked about it. In the first case it makes him feel humiliated; in the second it makes him feel embarrassed; in the third it makes him feel found out. The real meaning of a poem, is what it means to the reader."

Now, Matt, you may disagree or agree, but I think that with what I have said above and the quote, you have enough to think about for at least 2 or 3 minutes, which is quite a thing to pride myself in.

#10
Wow man. Ive never seen something like this. I loved that. Its just great....it has a strong personal meaning and allows the reader to interpert it however they want. Very creative....good job man.

Heres something I wrote recently...you dont have to crit it but if you get a chance id appreciate it
https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=695262
"Imagine all the people, sharing all the world"
-John Lennon
#11
Ha. I didn't get that the first time but I definitly see that now. =]. I can be a little slow at grasping meaning. But yeah. I see it now.
#12
Well I'd probably just second what confusius said because it made sense.

And also add that despite me generally hating these kind of 'pieces', I thought you did this well and probably pulled off what you were going for. Although I do prefer reading the, um, standard poetry.

Sam.


edit: Just read it again. I liked it more. The girl/wild thing is cool. Also I now understand the 'hangman' which I overlooked for some reason.
Last edited by samoo at Oct 20, 2007,
#14
It can have lot of meanings and I thought lot about it and I read it again and again. I wanted to establish a connection between everything from "her” in title to "his" in the end and up to some extent I think I connected them all. I have my own interpretation that I won't like to share but overall it was shaped and portrayed very well. I hope once u have received enough feedbacks, you'll tell us all ,what's the real meaning behind this.
Hi
#15
i didn't really like this
i wasn't totally lost in it, it's just that, well
this type of poetry really isn't my style
too focused on being clever

the stanza for round 2, i did enjoy, though
#16
I might share what I was talking about, I doubt it is as creative as some of your interpretations.
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#17
Greetings.. again.

In my eyes,

You or the character behind the writing, were questioning whether you know the girl, and then decided you didn't. The two characters are in a relationship but are fighting. Then the female wins, thus destroying everything in the male's life...

That';s what I thought.

Anyway, I don't see what the box around 'man vs wild' adds, surely it'd be as effective if it was just in a regular poetry style, if not more-so..

If you could, a few words on this would be v. much appreciated. https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=694481
#18
Well, it's not a puzzle, it's not really a story, but I guess it could be a narrative in that way, if you want to think of it like.

I think overall, it's about the end of a relationship, a friendship, or whatever. You were right on the stranger part, I didn't know someone as well as I thought.

The man vs wild part, is just a way of putting small victories don't equal a big one, dropping a bombshell on someone, after fighting for something for so long will end everything so to say.

The building thing, or the box around man vs wild is a reference to earlier box where empty was inside of it, I was trying to show that the relationship was now empty...

Uhh whatelse, there's small things that I threw in there for no real reason, like one leg on the hangman and there being two guesses left...uhhh there's other I can't remember right now.

But yeah, that's what I got when I was writing it.
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