#1
I deeply contemplated whether i should put this up or not because i actually liked it. but anyway... here it is. Be brutally honest. c4c


She told him of a place
where no one had ever been
"Sounds like uncharted waters.
I'll leave at 10 am"

With that he turned around
focused on this place
With vast emptiness abound
he yearned for but a taste

And when the hour came
He set off on his hike
His escape from everyone
Friend and foe alike

After adventuring for miles
he came upon an older man
whose wrinkly body was scarred with tattoos
from his feet to his hand

He said "Man do you look awful
Why'd you paint your body like that?"
"I live only in the monent
Each one represented by a tat"

He dismissed the old man as a fool
a walking contradiction
who clings to his past
with each fleshy depiction

He journeyed on to find a woman
bearing child in her arms
He approached her very slowly
Not to be the baby's alarm

She sang to her daughter
a song he knew quite well
And when her green eyes met his
deeply in love he fell

He had to keep moving
to reach his destination
but with every step closer
greatly waned his elation

And with his final step
he reached his conclusion
He never wanted loneliness
what a glum illusion

"The destination is but the journey"
A wise man once said
Where was this information?
Void of his head?

He missed the rush of hatred
from the tattooed old fool
And the deep warm desire
for his green-eyed jewel

And now all they can be is memory
They'll never again be together
He's alone with no one to hide behind
Empty Forever.


p.s. sorry for the length
c4c


Quote by ckellingc


So I threw a rock at her.

Fuck heelies.
Last edited by ChickMagnet41 at Oct 21, 2007,
#2
First off, no need to apologize for length. This is you expressing yourself and so who cares how long it is! This tells a basic story BUT it is worded VERY well. I especially dig the walking contradiction part of living in the moment but being stuck in the past. The only awkward stanzas for me were:

He had to keep moving
to reach his destination
but with every step closer
greatly waned his elation

1. Elation...not in my vocab so it seemed somewhat forced/awkward. but i won't fault you for that one haha.

Are you gonna put music or anything with this?
the cuervo gold / the fine columbian / make tonight a wonderful thing
#3
a lot of it sounds forced and like it rather long and i think it doesnt need to be as long as it is, you should use the 'cutting to the bone' technique of taking out all the excess in the poem a delightful though i m ust say.


You can never fucking trust Canada when Canada decides to report on world news that doesn't concern Canada. Canada is only in it for Canada's sake. Canada doesn't even know Batman.

Fuck Canada
#4
Thanks! I probably won't put this song to music unless i think of something really good. I'll crit both of yours when i have more time on my hands...
c4c


Quote by ckellingc


So I threw a rock at her.

Fuck heelies.
#5
I liked it.
The first verse was pretty good, I didnt like the uncharted waters part though. I felt like it was a little cliche and that you could do better.
Second verse is good, nothing I'd change.
Same with third.
The fourth one..where you say he came upon an older man....I think I'd make it just "he came upon an old man", not older.
I really liked the fifth verse, good job man.
Sixth was good.
I dunno why but I didn't like the last line of the seventh verse, I think you should change it.
And the rest of it is great, I wouldn't change anything.

Heres mine if you get a chance
https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=695262
"Imagine all the people, sharing all the world"
-John Lennon
Last edited by Punk Rocker at Oct 20, 2007,
#6
Okay. This piece is very nice, I want to say that first. I agree with the other people, although the length is fine, it feels like you forced alot of words to get it to that length. That's just how it feels to me though. The second stanza is alright, but I feel it could be deleted. Its a little too sing-songy and I didn't like the repitition of place so quickly. In the fourth stanza, you spelled from wrong. I rather liked the 6th stanza. Walking contradiction is a bit of a overused cliche, but thats alright. I feel like the 8th and 9th stanzas are where you started to push for length, or maybe tryinf to explain a little more? I think that the line "but with every step closer
greatly waned his elation" could be deleted, and combined with the next stanza, to get the same feeling. The rest of its alright too, but again, it comes with that rushed sort of feel, dragged out maybe. But all together, with the title it is an intersesting nice piece. Sorry if I spelled anything wrong I'm a terrible speller =/.