#1
The weeks of October are growing old. The nights stretch into long days and I just cant seem to find the way back into my cold bed. I sigh for sympathy. Explain myself a little more. Now you've got me desperate for things that I just can't find in my head. I'm searching all the stacks and bookcases filled with paperwork. Lists of Christmas wishes, stacks and stacks of lies that pile up like dirty laundry. You caught me off guard with that one, I have to admit. I had my little walls sheltered, like sand castles built in the desert; never to be washed away. Impenatreble. You always sneak in that way, devious and uncontrolled. Sometimes, I worry for your health. I've grown up faster than you have, and I am only a teenager. I had all my issues and probelms carefully seperated and organized into moving crates, taped up with electical tape. You can't do this again. Everything works a certain way, and you keep coming in with your idealogical veiws, and your childish sense of direction. Sometimes I think that maybe its the other way around. I am only a teenager, and I've got so much on my shelf. Sucess is only closer than you think, pressure placed on academic strength. Mixed feeling about people you may or may not have them for. Your not sure, and then you have to add, all these other boxes for me to sort. I'm dying under pressure that isn't even there. I am confused, once again, and there isnt anywhere to turn.
The weeks of October are growing old.


Honestly.


ehh, I don't write much, and it's usually pretty bad, like this one.
I hate writing in semi-rhyming prose.
It's lame. =/
Last edited by inthegreyx at Oct 20, 2007,
#2
I think this is a pretty solid piece of prose, the only thing I'd recommend is fixing a few grammatical errors and changing the you, to something more specific, like using a proper name in the beginning and substituting it with pronouns that are gender specific.

You is very direct, it makes it seem like you're directly referencing the reader and you're not, you're referencing someone else, so using you isn't really what you need.

If you switch all the you's with she's, it'll increase the quality of the piece by giving it a narrative feel, instead of the prosey, song-lyricy thing you have now.

Otherwise, it's honest, good use of diction, just make that little switch and you'll have something pretty good.


matt.
www.facebook.com/longlostcomic
#3
Thanks, that is a really good idea. I hadn't thought of that. I am extremely bad at grammar. Haha it's my weak point. I knid of wanted it to be vague on specifics, about who it was directed towards because its kind of for alot of people. Not just one? Yeah. BUt I did like the idea of changing the you's to shes to give it a more narrative feel. I may re-write it to do that, but for now, I'm going to keep this version how it is. Maybe I'll ask a few people I know which one they like better and I will re-post sometime. Thanks =].
#4
I liked it bro. Don't be so hard on yourself about writing. I agree with somethingvauge, but aside from that I wouldn't change anything. Good job man, you should write more often.
"Imagine all the people, sharing all the world"
-John Lennon
#5
More of a technical criticism, but did you intend to write it in one large paragraph? I just had kind of a hard time reading it since it was all one big paragraph, maybe you could change the format up or something? Unless it was intentional, then by all means go for it.
#6
I really wasnt writing at first, but then it came out like that. It just, turned out to be writing and yeah. It is supposed to be story like, only rhymed. Thats why its in prose.