#1
So, I really don't write lyrics that much. In fact, only one set of lyrics that I've ever written has made it to the sound stage to follow with guitar and drums/bass etc. So I hope this turns out okay, I'm not the best writer. I'd like some critiques though so I can hopefully get some fresh ideas on how to improve. Thanks guys.

In the words that you find,
to tell her just how your heart breaks,
every time she comes around.
And your knees buckle,
with the weight of her smiles.

You find peace with her.

You don't know what you have.
A perfect place to hide your self in.
She's waiting on you again.
So what are you stalling for?
Don't let this one go.

Like the time in the park,
when she jumped and you caught.
Are we there? It was the thought of disbelief that made her care.
See how she melts when you look in her eyes so brown.

She's found peace with you.

You don't know what you have.
A perfect place to hide your self in.
She's waiting on you again.
So what are you stalling for?
Don't let this one go.

I've been noticing how your lips echo in my hall of a heart, my pond of a soul, my everything that you extend your reach to touch my life in the way you want and,

I don't know what I have.
A perfect place to hide myself in.
You're waiting on me again.
So what am I stalling for?

I'm not going to let you go.
Last edited by jasonmetal love at Oct 20, 2007,
#2
those are actually incredibly good lyrics for someone that doesnt write that much. im like that, and when i do write lyrics they arent that good. good job
one thing...(i know this sounds stupid) try to rhyme during a few parts....things always sound more catchy when there's a bit of rhyming. but once again, great job.
Quote by EndTheRapture51
no one fuckin cares
#3
Thanks! I've found it more difficult to make the meaning strong without rhyming actually. Plus, some times rhyming sounds really cheesy. Thank you kindly though sir.
#5
very solid song.

the only little thing i found was "my pond of a soul." something much much better could be used to describe your soul. ponds are what people put in their garden and then they get really gunked up and aren't very nice.

but very solid song. no rhyming is always good. i rarely get pieces to work that don't rhyme.
"And after all of this, I am amazed...

...that I am cursed far more than I am praised."
#6
Quote by Sol9989
very solid song.

the only little thing i found was "my pond of a soul." something much much better could be used to describe your soul. ponds are what people put in their garden and then they get really gunked up and aren't very nice.

but very solid song. no rhyming is always good. i rarely get pieces to work that don't rhyme.


I was thinking more of the ripple effect ponds can have But I'll see if theres anything else out there, thanks!
#7
Quote by Sol9989
the only little thing i found was "my pond of a soul." something much much better could be used to describe your soul. ponds are what people put in their garden and then they get really gunked up and aren't very nice.

i thought pond was really good actually. it really puts a picture in your mind.


anyway, i thought this piece was great. lyrics that dont rhyme often dont turn out good. this did.

Jack my swag
#8
Well thanks. Might keep it the same afterall. I'm actually thinking about turning this one into a song.
#10
I rhyme a lot in my songs. This really sucks. I think you have a hell of a song and you just need to sing the hell out of it. Much respect.

IamOmega
#11
lol, i caused a bit of a stir with my remark i see, lol, sorry. i didn't mean any disrespect, that was the ONLY part that sounded a bit off. in the context of a song, one word isn't life or death so feel free to stick with it if sounds good in the song, mmk?

edit: what did you record this song on???? i've got like 5 acoustic songs that i've written but haven't recorded them.
"And after all of this, I am amazed...

...that I am cursed far more than I am praised."
#12
Quote by IamOmega
I rhyme a lot in my songs. This really sucks. I think you have a hell of a song and you just need to sing the hell out of it. Much respect.

IamOmega


I'm confused how to take this... Is this a good comment or a bad one?

Um... thanks?
#13
Quote by Sol9989
lol, i caused a bit of a stir with my remark i see, lol, sorry. i didn't mean any disrespect, that was the ONLY part that sounded a bit off. in the context of a song, one word isn't life or death so feel free to stick with it if sounds good in the song, mmk?

edit: what did you record this song on???? i've got like 5 acoustic songs that i've written but haven't recorded them.


I actually changed it to pool because I really mis pronounced pond and it sounded much more like pool which isn;t bad either. Heh

I recorded it with an Ibanez Acoustic AE. Just went straight into my recorders input with no effects. I boosted the bass a little though in the final mix.

How do you think it sounds though? I'm not worried about the words but I am wondering what people think of the way I put them together so fast in a song.