#1
This is a slightly different version of a poem I wrote a few days ago. I changed it around so it fit to the music in my head. Rate it, please.

Always, it’ll be
But never will it care.

Always, it’ll see
But never will it share.

Always, it’ll know
But never will it give.

Always, it’ll grow
But never will it live.

Always, it will be what it is
But what it is
Might not be what it wants.

Many things it shouts
Will never reach the ear
To which it needs to reach
For reasons very queer.

It believes it knows all
But really it does not
For it is blind to all,
So they are lesser.

Careful, it’ll try to be
To prevent the things it hates
But all around it they
Are taunting it,
And scolding it,
And making it seem fake.

No, it does not know
But, no, it does not err
For things it does not know,
Will never keep it snared.

And should it leave the bubble
For which it lives within
It will find a world
That makes a person cringe.

It is
Yet it is not really here
But it shall always be there,
Sitting away.

Why should he go?
Why should fly?
Why should he pop
The place that is his home?

It likes it there
It is its place.
It will never leave,
Though it will try
And find it to be better
To remain where it stands.

It will always enjoy
And enjoy
Its life,
Though others
May view it
As it does not wish it to be.

It is
As it will be
And it is always there
Though it
May not always be seen
For it
Is as it tends to be:
In the dark
Where it can be
It.

It
Is happy.
Last edited by Guitarinetist at Oct 20, 2007,
#2
Not bad, but, to be honest, it just doesn't seem to have any meaning. I had the impression that "it" was a bird, but that seemed not to fit with some of the lines. If you explained what "it" is, that might help, but not knowing adds some mystery that is sorta' cool... Maybe the best idea would be to have the poem reach a more well defined conclusion. It seems to me that what is missing here is something definitive. As it is, both the idea or point of the poem and the object; the "it" are blurred. If it was me writing this, I'd leave the "it" undefined, and work on making the idea more clear. Maybe you could start by having the "always" section of the poem reach a certain conclusion about "it", and then start again and reach the same conclusion in a different way. You may end up saying the same thing over again three or four different times, but you never really say the same thing, and you end up with a solid point with that sort of mystery behind that "it" character.

Hope that helps. Keep writing. :]
#3
Yeah, I was actually unsure of what "it" was.

Thanks for the critique, I'm new to all of this.

EDIT: I think I was trying too hard to rhyme some of it.
Last edited by Guitarinetist at Oct 20, 2007,