#1
OTS

Apocrypha is,

Apocrypha is,
The build up to-
A catharsis, and-
Five minutes
of eternal Calm.

To write Your rumors
In tight quatrains
And catchy off-rhymes.
To write Your legends
In short sonnets
And poignant pithy lines.

The question swells:
Oh lord, who am I?

Then I dissolves into
Our dust
That coats the sky,
Our dust
That collects into the stars.

Gentlemen, start your watches.
#2
I liked this quite a bit. Especially the line breaks. They gave it kind of an urgent feeling, which compliments the closing line.

Assuming "I dissolves" was intentional, my only complaint would be the extra syllable in the second last line. Maybe just use "to" instead of "into".

Good stuff.
#3
"oh lord, where am I?" although I know you are purposefully going for that sort of thing, I think would be better if you put in a slightly cleverer twist on it.

also, I thought "dissolves" just sounded silly, not really adding anything. which may have been what you were going for.
#4
Quote by Synth#1
Apocrypha is, something I copied from Andrew Bird

Apocrypha is, something I copied from Andrew Bird
The build up to- meh
A catharsis, and- meh meh
Five minutes
of eternal Calm. buh?

To write your rumors
In tight quatrains
And catchy off-rhymes. Like you are doing right now?
To write your legends
In short sonnets
And poignant pithy lines. Using the word pithy is like using the word thoustly, it's stupid, unneeded and the alliteration doesn't make up for such a stupid sounding word.

The question swells: Poetry rule #1: If it sounds like sexual innuendo, and you don't intend on it being sexual innuendo, don't use it.
Oh lord, who am I? Over dramatic.

Then I dissolves into Typo or terrible grammar, I can't tell.
Our dust
That coats the sky,
Our dust
That collects into the stars.

Gentlemen, start your watches.


Okay, I'm done making witty remarks. This lacked substance, infact, it had none. It was like reading words letters on tree bark carved by a hick who has nothing better to do. I can't remember a single detail of what you wrote, what I read, or why I was reading it. It had nothing to grab the reader except the promise of short lines and constant urgency. Writing in short, minimalistic lines is a sign that you're going through a writer's block, and it seems so.

You need to not think so hard on what sounds good, or what you think sounds good and write something that is natural, and less,

"STARS BECOME YOU,
AND WE FALL INTO THE DUST
OF A THOUSAND HANDS,
OUR FINGERS ARE NOW PLANETS,
CIRCULAR AND GLOBULAR,
BLAH BLAH BLAH."


Get what I mean?

Anyway, there's that,
-matt-
www.facebook.com/longlostcomic
#5
"Apocrypha is, something I copied from Andrew Bird"



no actually, if I wanted to copy Andrew Bird I could have done much better, this was just an allusion "knights gambit" by William Faulkner of which I just gave a presentation on. One line of it is "Apocrypha's apocrypha" which intrigued me. Then an event came about in my life, I walked home, and typed this up.

the question "oh Lord who am I" is supposed to latch onto the beginning of the second stanza. And the entirety of the piece is supposed to have a dooming religious undertone, mirroring a movement not only to catharsis but also to entropy. Oh well, it was written as a personal piece, the UG text box is just a good place to force myself to write.

"And catchy off-rhymes. Like you are doing right now?"
Yes, it was ars-poetic. I was consciously making fun of myself.

Meh, pithy worked so i used it. I'm a sexually active 17 year old, I'm going to opt towards the innuendo (though I'm not saying I did that on purpose ), I wasnt looking for what sounds good, if I were I would have gotten at least 10 UGers I've never heard of give me a "gj" because thats what we judge here. I do apologize for it being pretentious as **** though, but I've been writing a novella recently and havent written a good overly dramatic poem in a while.

Thanks you three and I'll get to yours soon Sweetheart
#6
Oh....you're writing a book, like I was doing not that long ago....

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