#1
Government Relations

Centralized thoughts fuel conceded minds,
Over the course of time,
These minds buried the live,

Fighting and snaking through to voice there views,
Pledges of allegiance and broken words,
Spreading there message through the news,
Pushing the boundaries of blood shot evil,
Taking turns as they trick the people,

How can it be the people we believe set us free?
Can cut through the laws of time,
Shaping the world with there evil minds,

Twisting there words relying on lies,
Breading of our simple minds,
When will we see that the truth,
May not be as simple as it seems,
And the deep picture may never be seen,

Although we like to feel all is good and well,
And everything is the others spell,
We can’t deny that help was felt,
And a hand was played when the towering greats fell,

The people meant to make us feel safe,
The ones meant to make the world a better place,
Often scream fear in our ears,
Splash blood in our eyes,
And cause delusion in our minds,

C4C
#2
Quote by Greg_23
Government Relations

Centralized thoughts fuel conceded minds,
Over the course of time,
These minds buried the live,
I'm not gonna lie....I thought this was a kind of weak opening. Also I don't really get the last line.

Fighting and snaking through to voice there views,
Pledges of allegiance and broken words,
Spreading there message through the news,
Pushing the boundaries of blood shot evil,
Taking turns as they trick the people,
This was definitly an improvement. I really liked this verse. Only thing is...I'm pretty sure bloodshot is one word. But thats really minor.

How can it be the people we believe set us free?
Can cut through the laws of time,
Shaping the world with there evil minds,
First off you used the wrong 'there'. It should be 'their' in this case. This verse was ok, not amazing, but not lacking. I'd take out the question mark at the end of the first line though.

Twisting there words relying on lies,
Breading of our simple minds,
When will we see that the truth,
May not be as simple as it seems,
And the deep picture may never be seen,
Again, wrong 'there' in the first line. Also I'm assuming you meant breeding in the second line. This verse was ok, but I think you could make it better.

Although we like to feel all is good and well,
And everything is the others spell,
We can’t deny that help was felt,
And a hand was played when the towering greats fell,
I did not like this verse at all. The first line line is poorly worded, and its a bit confusing. It dosen't really make sense, to me at least. I think some serious revision is needed here.

The people meant to make us feel safe,
The ones meant to make the world a better place,
Often scream fear in our ears,
Splash blood in our eyes,
And cause delusion in our minds,
Again, some revision is needed. I think the whole thing seemed a little forced, especially the last line. I liked the attempted metaphor and visualization...but it didn't exactly come out to well. Like "often scream fear in our fears", there is just something awkward about it. Also I think you could find a better word for splash.

C4C

Good job man. I agree with your overall message, and I think you can definitly make something out of this. Don't be discouraged, just strive to better it.

If you get a chance, mine is on the first page. I'd give you the title but for now its just "untitled". Thanks man.
"Imagine all the people, sharing all the world"
-John Lennon