#1
Infinity colors the hopeless sky,
Like gravestones over green.
You will rest in faintly burned coffins
Made out of family trees.

Caveat emptor to all that strike flesh
For no one, and nothing, can undo your death
Cygnus anatidae, swooping down too you lately
Pester his furrowed brow, unravel it completely

These words could move mountains
These words could cause waves
Waves of the followers
From cradles to graves

Half eaten corneas, devoured by glass
Content with your future, they now want your past
Enlightened by shadows, quarantined from hope
Invisible caskets, invisible jokes

Immersed in shapeless figures
Cowardly lepers flee the scene
Contemplating all of them
What does present mean?

These words could move mountains
These words could cause waves
Waves of the followers
From cradles to graves

I’ll stare deeply, past your skin
Look inside your soul
The best of you has gone away
What will fill this hole?
#3
yes, it's all mine.

it's been accumulating over a month.

i have another song, but its more emo (i guess? [like brand new, kinda])
#4
Did Cedric Bixlar write this on a napkin and leave it on the table you were waiting?

The cradles to graves line, sank your ship so to say. Whenever you have to use a line that was a title for a movie DMX and Steven Segull or something starred in, I think it's time to retire this poem.

Well, aside from everything that was "borrowed" from The Mars Volta and bad action flicks, it was pretty much a sad rodeo so to say, it was trying to hog-tie itself with it's own attempt to sound smart. Not to mention none of this means anything, I used to think Cedric Bixlar was a good writer until I released he is just dictionary on meth, and that's never a good thing.

But yeah, next time try borrowing from a writer that isn't so blatently lame.

-matt-
www.facebook.com/longlostcomic
#5
Each paragraph except for the "these words could move mountains part" is an entirely different though, idea.

and they do mean things. i don't just write random words down and try to sound smart.

if you read them carefully, they actually DO mean something.

and i've never even HEARD of that DMX movie you are talking about.

sooooooo thanks?
#6
I really like this.. and I liked the cradle to the grave line, I think it worked where u placed it.. but you have a good style I think anyway
#7
The Mars Volta Lyrics
"Televators"

Just as he hit
The ground
They lowered a tow that
Stuck in his neck to the gills
Fragments of sobriquets
riddle me this
three half eaten corneas
who hit the aureole
Stalk the ground


"Roulette Dares"

Transient jet lag ecto mimed bison
This is the haunt of roulette dares
Ruse of metacarpi
Caveat emptor....to all that enter here
Open wrists talk back again
In the wounded of its skin
They'll pinprick the witness
In ritual contrition


Intertiac ESP

Last night I heard lepers
flinch like birth defects
its musk was fecal in origin
as the words dribbled off of its chin

"Cygnus... Vismund Cygnus" [song title]

There's tons more, even as far as themes go, the past, present, future thing they do in one of their songs, most of the words used in these are either Mars Volta song song titles, or phrases in songs from their various cds, and even a little bit into At the Drive - In.

Plagurizing isn't just stealing from one song, if you borrow lines from every song, it's still stealing.

Anyway, just thought I'd bring this to attention.
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#8
Infinity colors the hopeless sky,
Like gravestones over green.
You will rest in faintly burned coffins
Made out of family trees.

Great imagery here, loved the first line. Good stanza overall.

Caveat emptor to all that strike flesh
For no one, and nothing, can undo your death
Cygnus anatidae, swooping down too you lately
Pester his furrowed brow, unravel it completely

I can't really crit this, because I don't know what most of the words mean

These words could move mountains
These words could cause waves
Waves of the followers
From cradles to graves

I loved this stanza, great wording. The repitition of "waves" works great here.

Half eaten corneas, devoured by glass
Content with your future, they now want your past
Enlightened by shadows, quarantined from hope
Invisible caskets, invisible jokes

Now I'm having trouble with the first line. Aren't corneas something in your eye? I didn't like the change of rhyme here, but other than that, good stanza.

Immersed in shapeless figures
Cowardly lepers flee the scene
Contemplating all of them
What does present mean?

I think that the last line throws off the rhyme a little bit, I would suggest "What does the present mean?"

These words could move mountains
These words could cause waves
Waves of the followers
From cradles to graves

Once again, same as I said for the other one, good stanza overall.

I’ll stare deeply, past your skin
Look inside your soul
The best of you has gone away
What will fill this hole?

I think that the 2nd and 3rd lines could use more syllables, but probably just one for each line. Overall good song, and I hope to see more like this. C4C? Faceless Drama in sig, if you do.
#9
Lol Matt, what happened there? I remember when you used to looooove Cedric's writing. I missed a lot here

Anyway, plagiarizing is lame. I was going to crit this until I read Matt's reply. And he's right, you 'borrowed' way too much stuff.


J.
#10
That was nearly two and a half years ago, I haven't listened to a Mars Volta album since Frances The Mute came out. I don't know, I guess I grew up, and realized stringing together incoherant bull**** about the stars and owls and all this crap that means basically zilch was pretty lame.

With that said, De-Loused is still a great album, awful lyrics or not.
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#11
Quote by Something_Vague
That was nearly two and a half years ago, I haven't listened to a Mars Volta album since Frances The Mute came out. I don't know, I guess I grew up, and realized stringing together incoherant bull**** about the stars and owls and all this crap that means basically zilch was pretty lame.

With that said, De-Loused is still a great album, awful lyrics or not.


Ok, I'm sorry for remembering stuff from two years ago I still love TMV.

And so this isn't spam: awful lyrics or not, you shouldn't plagiarize!
#12
well, Caveat emptor is a latin phrase. which is where i heard it first, not from TMV.

and half eaten corneas is borrowed from them, but its 3 words, and i used it in a different context/meaning.

Cygnus is a constellation of a swan. Not a word that Cedric made up.

and i can't mention the word lepers in my poetry, just becuase cedric did, also?

alright, then i guess i can't use any of the other words, because i'm sure they are in other poems.

i admit my lyrics are inspired by TMV, and ATDI, but i am not plagiarizing.


and yes, littledude65, i'll C4C tomorrow afternoon.