#1
I realized lately, that it’s the small things that get to most people.

Nobody cares why Gordon Brown is blind in an eye, can’t run a country and has an idiotic smile. Or why it’s all the 13 year olds that go on about George Bush being an illiterate mongrel, which he might be, problem is, everyone over 30 can’t find their keys, therefore delaying payment on their mortgage, let alone finding the time to concentrate on politics or economy.

It’s not that I have a problem with that, I just find it a bit insulting. Not towards me, I’ve been insulted more than enough to let something that trivial knock me down into a severe depression and lately on, the ever to “clichedly” tragic slitting of the wrists, while you blow your brains out yelling suicide is painless. Because that’s what it’s all about.

No one really cares for the bright side of life anymore and that bugs me. Which is really a small thing, but we all know it’s not in the greater picture? Or is that just me, trying to pretty everything up, a beautification of reality, just like that other song: I will always love you.

Women lie. They don’t mean that. Foolish man that loves a woman and fool that believes she loves him back. Yet it’s what humans do. When we can’t find a right to out do the wrong, when we can’t find a truth to believe in, we take the lies and stumble on blindly. What else did you ever think faith was? The answer to life. Maybe. The true way to follow. Without a doubt. The best of all though, is when the faithless have faith in not having a faith, a conundrum worthy enough to baffle Buddha, but it’s all lies, which seeing that there is an enormous lack of truth, makes them believe in themselves.

In short, the truth is that lies aren’t true but we twist them to conform to reality so that we can avoid landing up like the young person from paragraph 3.

Fuck me over if that’s our purpose.
#2
Interests me but perhaps some of the ideas could be turned into a poem or two. Prose like this helps the writing, though, I think. Good job.
#3
Amazing. Wonderful expression of the world we live in and a very specific outlook on it, created by being a part of this generation.
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#4
Quote by confusius
I realized lately, that it’s the small things that get to most people. Amen

Nobody cares why Gordon Brown is blind in an eye, can’t run a country and has an idiotic smile. nice Or why it’s all the 13 year olds that go on about George Bush being an illiterate mongrel, which he might be, problem is, everyone over 30 can’t find their keys, therefore don't say therefore. Doesn't fit with the tone and its too distracting. delaying payment on their mortgage, let alone finding the time to concentrate on politics or economy. parallel structure issue? comparing delaying payment with finding the time using let alone contradicts itself I believe. I think a rewording is in order

It’s not that I have a problem with that, I just find it a bit insulting. Not towards me, I’ve been insulted more than enough to let something that trivial knock me down into a severe depression and lately on, the ever to “clichedly” tragic slitting of the wrists, while you blow your brains out yelling suicide is painless. Because that’s what it’s all about. A little bit of a run on. you go from the opening (which i liked) to the whole depression thing. The whole clichedly thing sounded a bit, well, cliche. I think you could keep your opening and your last sentence and reword it so you clearly go from the first idea to talking about "what it's all about" if you know what i mean

No one really cares for the bright side of life anymore and that bugs me. Nice again Which is really a small thing, but we all know it’s not in the greater picture? I thought this was a little awkward especially with the question mark. Try saying out loud. I think your meaning gets lost in there somewhere. Or is that just me, trying to pretty everything up, a beautification of reality, just like that other song: I will always love you. I liked this but the use of other didn't seem necesarry. And, maybe i should recognize which song you are talking about but I didn't catch on to any one song in particular. The colon was a little distracting also (personally).

Women lie. They don’t mean that. Foolish man that loves a woman and fool that believes she loves him back. ok, following foolish man with foolish didn't work for me. felt like you should use foolish man again. Yet it’s what humans do. When we can’t find a right to out do the wrong, when we can’t find a truth to believe in, we take the lies and stumble on blindly. What else did you ever think faith was? The answer to life. Maybe. The true way to follow. Without a doubt. this was very very good.The best of all though, is when the faithless have faith in not having a faith, a conundrum worthy enough to baffle Buddha, possibly revise the use of commas in this general area? I don't know if i'd say that is too hard too understand. Saying it would baffle Buddha or even qualify as a conundrum doesn't seem like a valid statement in my mind but still, a good point. but it’s all lies, which seeing that there is an enormous lack of truth, makes them believe in themselves. This sentence was all over the place. I don't think you should use which there. Maybe but. Also, try rewording makes them believe in themselves. Maybe "but seeing... they believe in themselves anyways"

In short, the truth is that lies aren’t true but we twist them to conform to reality so that we can avoid landing up like the young person from paragraph 3.
A little uncomfortable here too. the lies dont conform to reality do they? reword if you. I've never heard anyone say "landing" up-- usually ending up but that's not a big deal

Fuck me over if that’s our purpose. decent ending. I liked it.


overall, nice colloquial style but it could definitely be brushed up. I think there were some punctuation issues throughout but nothing to kill yourself over. There are still a few places where the better writer in you gets lost and you do something that doesn't fit like "therefore" and that detracts from the piece. I think you can do a little more with your ideas but overall, this was pretty enjoyable piece.

good luck
Anatomy Anatomy
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Park that car
Drop that phone
Sleep on the floor
Dream about me
#5
Quote by confusius
I realized lately, that it’s the small things that get to most people.

Nobody cares why Gordon Brown is blind in an eye, can’t run a country and has an idiotic smile. Or why it’s all the 13 year olds that go on about George Bush being an illiterate mongrel, which he might be, problem is, everyone over 30 can’t find their keys, therefore delaying payment on their mortgage, let alone finding the time to concentrate on politics or economy.

good opening. my only problem is the punctuation of the second sentence. i love long sentences, but this one doesn't really work for me. i think it's all the commas. i would change the comma after 'which he might be' to a period and just make it 2 sentences.

It’s not that I have a problem with that, I just find it a bit insulting. Not towards me, I’ve been insulted more than enough to let something that trivial knock me down into a severe depression and lately on, the ever to “clichedly” tragic slitting of the wrists, while you blow your brains out yelling suicide is painless. Because that’s what it’s all about.

i wondered here who it was insulting to, if not you. oh, and the 'to' before '"clichedly" should have one more o.

No one really cares for the bright side of life anymore and that bugs me. Which is really a small thing, but we all know it’s not in the greater picture? Or is that just me, trying to pretty everything up, a beautification of reality, just like that other song: I will always love you.

i love the phrase, "beautification of reality." it's not just you, i do the same thing. although with me it's rather deliberate, part of my sad/failing attempt at optimism. i think this paragraph is my favorite. it flows not well, but approptriately, if that makes any sense.

Women lie. They don’t mean that. Foolish man that loves a woman and fool that believes she loves him back. Yet it’s what humans do. When we can’t find a right to out do the wrong, when we can’t find a truth to believe in, we take the lies and stumble on blindly. What else did you ever think faith was? The answer to life. Maybe. The true way to follow. Without a doubt. The best of all though, is when the faithless have faith in not having a faith, a conundrum worthy enough to baffle Buddha, but it’s all lies, which seeing that there is an enormous lack of truth, makes them believe in themselves.

this one made me laugh. i'm a woman and i lie like it's my job. although as somewhat of a feminist, i'm required to say something like, "that's an unfair stereotype based on a biased worldview." and as a writer i have to say, "who the hell cares if its offensive, it's the opinion of the narrator and to change it would corrupt the entire piece."...ok, back to the crit. i can't be certain (without looking it up which i'm entirely too lazy to do), but i think outdo is one word. i love the last sentence, but like the first paragraph, i think it would flow better if you broke it up into 2 sentences. maybe put in a period after Buddha.

In short, the truth is that lies aren’t true but we twist them to conform to reality so that we can avoid landing up like the young person from paragraph 3.

Fuck me over if that’s our purpose.

good ending. not much to say about it. it works.


sorry that was a kind of long and non sequitur filled crit... great piece tho!
#6
Your pieces always seem to be kind of philosophical and this one is no different. But I would ditch the opening statement. It just seems kind of, I don't know, cheesy. I thought that statement about how13 year olds talk about Bush being illiterate was very good observation. I agree with hope's downfall that you should make a new sentence after "which he might be". In the next paragraph I would start a new sentence after "severe depression". And I would change part of the sentence to "The ever cliche tragedy of slit wrists". It was just awkward the other way, especially the word "clichedly". The next paragraph is good, except instead of "that other song", I think "that one song" would be more appropiate. In the next paragraph the "Foolish man that loves..." definitely needs some rewording. Perhaps something like, "What a foolish man loves a woman and believes she loves him back." The last sentence about faith was pretty profound observation, but I think you should break it into two, after "the Buddha". Anyways, great job and perhaps you could use some of this for a poem/song next time around.

Crit mine please
Angelic Mongrel
#7
Aye thanks everyone. Great crit Jimi, Downfall and MarsVolta.
I'll keep all of those in mind when I start to edit this.

#9
It's cause he's crap at rugby.

>_>

<_<
The will to neither strive nor cry,
The power to feel with others give.
Calm, calm me more; nor let me die
Before I have begun to live.

-Matthew Arnold

Arguments are to be avoided; they are always vulgar and often convincing.