#1
crit4crit
ANGELIC MONGREL

God built a fence of lovers
To keep you off my chain
So I must murder your love
To steal you away

Though you are his starving pet
You will always be my goddess

Tonight I'll stalk this mongrel
And if I stare long enough
She'll turn into an angel

Maybe you have a savior
But you're still just a stray
So I've come to kidnap you
And baptize your mane

Heaven's hunting on all fours
'Cause even saints are carnivores

Tonight I'll stalk this mongrel
And if I stare long enough
She'll turn into an angel
Last edited by themarsvolta at Oct 25, 2007,
#2
hey this is pretty simple and to the point, but I think it gets across what was going through your head at the time. I can tell you are feeling out new territories, which is something i think is very important for a writier. You become stagnic if you stay trapt in one niche for too long.

As always, a pleasure to read your stuff, and if you want to take a look at my latest (should be at the bottom of the page) i think you will like.

-BJ
#3
Your choice of words is great. I particularly like the last two lines in the first bit, "So I must murder your love/To steal you away", said so simply as though it is the only logical outcome. Also, you later say "baptise"...perfect verb with very strong connotations. The mongrel word-associations are consisent enough to stand out in the reader's mind.

It seems all-over solid, probably could have been developed further, like this is just a surfacial writing but that may be for the better or probably your intention. Anyway just dropping by to say that I enjoyed this.
#5
Quote by themarsvolta
crit4crit
ANGELIC MONGREL

God must have a vendetta
That keeps you off my chain
So I must murder your love
To steal you away

Though you're nothing but his mangy pet
You will always be my goddess

I keep on stalking mongrels
'Cause if I watch them long enough
I know they'll become angels

Maybe you have a master
But you're still just a stray
So I've come to kidnap you
And baptize your mane

I'll never make a noose of your leash
Despite all your rabid barking

I keep on stalking mongrels
'Cause if I watch them long enough
I know they'll become angels


The main issue with this piece is some of the choice in diction. Mongrels is an incredibly ugly word and really does not fit in the sentence. Master makes me think of Ministry or some other industrial act which isn't fun in terms of lyrics. The combination of noose and leash is just kind of an easy shot and not interesting or provoking in any way. And mangy and vendetta are just terribly out of place. Still the piece flows decently and the ideas are pretty good. I like the way it is barely here and simple reminds me of an old style of mine so I give credit there because I like people that sound like me. Just maybe invest more time in finding words that more accurately describe the situation as well as help the piece flow more smoothly.
#6
Jared's right with the diction. My most favourite pieces from you are the ones which include the great ideas like you have here, but also read super-smooth. I'll echo the words Jared highlighted as ones which stuck out like a sore thumb, also the mongrel/angels rhyme I felt was kind of yucky, even if it was innovative.

Again though, superb ideas and great flow; your a top songwriter.
#7
I like it. Its simple, love the flow, well for the most part, as others were saying, certain words kinda didn't fit, but other than that I think its a really good piece. Love the first stanza by the way, brilliant in my eyes. Great ideas here man. Keep it up.
anybody wanna put anything here just let me know