#1
Crit4Crit
The song is slow paces and sung in an acoustic duet style.

Verse 1:
You roll me like a pair of dice
Always betting but never thinking twice
Oh you
I'm not the one who would complain
But if you're the only who receives the gain
In this
You miss
I'm not gonna take this any longer
Say what you want
well i don't care
It'll some how make me stronger.

Refrain:
It takes two
It was me and you
Don't turn this around on me
It's not all my fault
You're a part of this too
You're part of the blame.. in this one simple game
So don't tell me you're true
Because half the trouble is you

Verse 2:
I know that i did wrong
We obviously don't belong
Oh no
It was only our weakness
We should have minded our own business
Tell me
You'll see
I can't handle this its mind racing
It drives me crazy
Just get out of my way now

Refrain Repeat:
Last edited by AndrewDulina at Oct 22, 2007,
#2
Good work. The first few lines though, a single slice of what? Maybe you could replace it with something like... "You roll me like a pair of dice, always betting but never thinking twice" I dunno, just something that popped into my head. I like the structure you have going though. What does the 3rd to last line mean, in "mind racing"?
#3
I changed the 2nd line, it interprate out the way i wanted it to.

"mind racing" means that theres alot going on in my mind.
Last edited by AndrewDulina at Oct 22, 2007,
#4
Hey, well, this didn't say much for me and I'll tell you why.

I really liked the opening line. The following line, why "but"? The two don't imply opposites. How about "Always betting without thinking twice"? Then, "You're the only one who receives the gain", is a clumsy way of wording this statement I think. How about "You're the one who stands to gain"? And, what significance does "You miss" have?

I don't mean to sound destructive, I just felt like a lot of what you said was unnecessary iteration of previous- or later- lines. Ask yourself if each line you write really contributes to the piece or meaning as a whole.

And as a last point, punctuation really adds. Don't ever forget about the kind of punch that a few simple pauses might add. (like: "Oh you", would have been more effective for me as "Oh, you.")

The rhyming was pretty predictable, but that tends to happen when you're writing for music, not for writing. Overall I would say it's probably okay as a song to be sung, but lyrically by itself it doesn't say much to me.
Last edited by blu_flame34 at Oct 22, 2007,