#1
tell me what you think i know its got kinda a weird scheme.
so just let me know c4


these lies are cold.
thats probably true.
or maybe im just stoned and looking for you,
these lies are cold thats probably true,
or maybe im through with you.

then things get weird
its not me, its just my fear.
its takes me night and day
to figure out,
what i'm gonna say.

the tricks are true,
thats for me.the tricks are true,
that for you.

these lies are cold,
and thats true.
because im over you.

i guess im hurt
just like kurt
should've seen it coming
might've started runnin
but now its too late
and i have this weird fill me up kinda hate

so when i think of you
and all the destinys,
we were doomed.
you were way too good for me,
and i was way too bad for you.

but we kept on going
not ever knowing,
the pain we'd cause
or discover the lies,
and the flaws in each other.

so now our lives are separate
and you become that memory
i never forget

I'll think of you on occasion,
and know that,
once upon a time, you used to be mine.
Last edited by cjsquid at Oct 22, 2007,
#2
It was good. However one problem you have is that you are trying to rhyme! Don't try to rhyme. If you listen to a lot of songs you'll see that every line doesn't rhyme, but flows. So sing your lyrics when you write them and see if they flow and not necessarily rhyme...
#3
Repetition doesn't work that well for you . Moreover some of the lines are cliche and be easy on rhyme.

It was your title that got my attention . use some orignal images and try writing independent of rhyme . it gives u lot of freedom
Hi
#4
alright i think i got it flow more less ryhming more orginalty in insperation.but i really will see how staying independent of the ryhmes and also it wasnt going to be repetetive i just kept that lies are cold thing in thereas like a last minute posting i think i'll mess with it a little more and see what happens thanks for the input.
#5
these lies are cold,
and thats true.
because im over you. --sure hope so doesn't sound like it was too healthy


should've seen it coming
might've started runnin
but now its too late
and i have this weird fill me up kinda hate-MAYBE MY FAVORITE PHRASE

so when i think of you
and all the destinys,
we were doomed.
you were way too good for me,
and i was way too bad for you.
-

but we kept on going
not ever knowing,
the pain we'd cause
or discover the lies,
and the flaws in each other.
-here you could say: "or discover the lies, and uncover the flaws"- not because I believe it HAS to rhyme, but because it could so well here with these two words (cause/flaws)


Oh and btw, I read your replies to the other comments and you def know what you're talking about and you take criticism well...