#1
I really like this idea... it was kinda inspired by Vincent Valentine from FF.
but whatever


Leave me be
This is my punishment

Being confined here by my lonesome
Watching my past play through my mind
As if it was a pile of two-star budget films
My own actions…or lack of actions
Surprising even me

As I think of it more
I don’t think my life could ever be considered a movie
I only watched everyone else’s stories unfold
Right before my eyes

And I failed to help

It changed me


And
This
Is my punishment
Promises meant a lot back then.
Last edited by ninja monkey at Oct 22, 2007,
#2
My punishment was reading this!

Zing!

Seriously though, it sucked, two minutes of taking it in, and I can't think of a single clever thing about it. It didn't have any substance, and was a cliched take on a cliched idea.

Sorry pal, swing and a miss.

-matt-
www.facebook.com/longlostcomic
#3
ha ha ha... i'll just have to try harder next time...


and yeah... I know its clishe... but some reason I like it... I can't explain that
Promises meant a lot back then.
Last edited by ninja monkey at Oct 22, 2007,
#5
sure...

Do you have one of your great pieces that you would like me to make a single comment rape on???
Promises meant a lot back then.
#6
Alright, I like the idea behind it, but I think some of the content could be changed up a bit. Maybe you could try to revise it a bit more. The only thing I don't like (kind of what matt said) is that I don't really feel any strong meaning in it. I know there can be, but right now it seems like you were writing for the sake of it sounding like it's deep, rather than it actually being deep.

Hope I helped, and if you have the time check out my newest "The Cold Truth" in my sig.
#7
Zang.... I don't know why that guy hated it so much, it seemed really good to me. The second verse as problems though. Like this:
I don’t think my life could ever be considered a movie
I don't know why, but that is really out of it. Try rewording or just changing it in general.
#8
^ I guess your standards aren't as high as Matt's


and rush4life... i'll try to get a comment on yours sometime...
Promises meant a lot back then.
#9
Quote by ninja monkey


Leave me be
This is my punishment

I like this as an opening, its strong and intriguing... the sad part is, this might be the strongest section of the piece.

Being confined here by my lonesome
Watching my past play through my mind
As if it was a pile of two-star budget films
My own actions…or lack of actions
Surprising even me


While I do like the 3rd line on its own... just for its comparison, I find this to be a bit lacking in meaning. It's right on the verge of being something I can relate too, but it falls just short, mostly because it is almost entirely observational. There is nothing for me to dig into, and feel with you... which gives it an empty feeling. As a high note, you did present it well... and I liked how it flowed, but when something doesn't have anything behind it, flow doesn't make up for it.


As I think of it more
I don’t think my life could ever be considered a movie
I only watched everyone else’s stories unfold
Right before my eyes

This is the weak point. This seems like a stanza of filler. Like, you are just further explaining what you said in the stanza before, but making it wordier and harder to conceptualize. This is one place where leaving it vague could have made it immensely better.

And I failed to help

It changed me


And
This
Is my punishment

The rest of this is pretty good. Not groundbreaking or original, but a nice closure to the piece. I like how it comes full circle. Possibly take out the first 'and' here, as I think it would sound better as just 'I failed to help'


I guess I just have lower standards too, because I didn't think it was awful. I mean, its not great, but its not horrifying, and its certainly not the worst thing I've read on these forums. So whatever.

6/10... at least it flowed well.

c4c in sig?

peace and coconuts,


-ZC
#10
i must admit it was a tad cliche, and your peice is on here for crits, so dont be so defensive.


You can never fucking trust Canada when Canada decides to report on world news that doesn't concern Canada. Canada is only in it for Canada's sake. Canada doesn't even know Batman.

Fuck Canada