#1
Shut up. Let me finish.

I hadn't had dinner yet;
Sucked down cigarettes instead
to the filters, warmth ate its way
down to my fingers:
Replacement addictions.

Shut up, I said.

My hate's so hard.
Rocks in my pockets,
stones in the souls of my shoes.
I heard the good news-
still I let my laugh crack,
cackle through the gallows.
Silence -- Impassible.

and your words come to me as wounded birds
sex smile. bedroom eyes. kissing my hands.
I know where I stand.
Quicksand.

wounded birds
stupid and beautiful

Shut up, I said
Shut up shut up shut up.
love dead like a crushed fly

for those of you who said you'd be interested in hearing my lyrics put to music- I started work on recording an album, if you get in touch with me pm or otherwise I'd be more than happy to fill you in
Last edited by less than that at Nov 4, 2007,
#2
Feeling you here, mike. I relate to this a lot.

I'll edit my full crit in here in a bit.

much love
<3

edit :


Gallows Humor
Shut up. Let me finish.
I hadn't had dinner yet;
I slugged down whiskey swigs instead.
Sucked down cigarettes -- to the filters
warmth ate its way down to my fingers--
Replacement addictions.

Strong beginning. Suits my mood, but that's not relevant. The flow is harsh and sharp, which suits the content in an admirable way. At first I was going to complain about the punctuation, how your -- -- weren't used adequately, but I see that they are more flow indicators than punctuation tools. So it's all good. If we strictly stick to grammar though, they're un-needed, and you would need a period at the end of L4. But like I said, I would leave it like that.

Shut up, I said.
<3

Could be "I said shut up, depending on what you intend to create. "Shut up, I said" has this controlling, calm yet angsty moving feeling. While "I said shut up" is just plain raw and "in the action" .


My hate's so hard! Sometimes, saying things in a blunt way get the message across so much better.
Rocks in my pockets,
stones in the souls of my shoes.
I heard the good news- Absolutely love that line. Sarcasm, eh?
still I let my laugh crack,
cackle through the gallows.
Silence -- Impassible.
The mood you created with this stanza is stellar. Props.

and your words come to me as wounded birds
sex smile. bedroom eyes. kissing my hands.
I know where I stand.
Quicksand.
Wonderful rhyming. I am being useless, but I don't have anything to fault. This is effective and beautiful. I love the usage of bird here. They are used abundantly in French poetry, and you're one of the first English writer that I see using it this efficiently.

wounded birds
stupid and beautiful
Oh, wow. This is the strong point of the piece for me. Just, wow.

Shut up, I said
Shut up shut up shut up.
Great closing. You did an awesome job with creating an atmosphere. I'm only sorry you had to write that.

much love
[/fanboy]

-Mat
<3
#3
ohhhh. this was achingly lovely at points. especially the first stanza.
my name is matt. you can call me that if you like.
#4
thanks mat for the full crit. I did consider I said shut up vs Shut up, I said. I decided, like you said, that Shut up, I said sounds more calm in control which is what I wanted in that line.

thanks guys. more to come maybe. I'm tired.
love dead like a crushed fly

for those of you who said you'd be interested in hearing my lyrics put to music- I started work on recording an album, if you get in touch with me pm or otherwise I'd be more than happy to fill you in
#5
Quote by less than that
Shut up. Let me finish.
I hadn't had dinner yet;
I slugged down whiskey swigs instead.
Sucked down cigarettes -- to the filters
warmth ate its way down to my fingers--
Replacement addictions.


This is kind of hokey. I mean, I get the idea but SLUGGED and SUCKED sound so freakin' volatile. Its got an honest nature to it but kind of dramatized. I guess if you want to be Max Bemis feel free.

Shut up, I said.


k.


My hate's so hard!
Rocks in my pockets,
stones in the souls of my shoes.
I heard the good news-
still I let my laugh crack,
cackle through the gallows.
Silence -- Impassible.


are you like talking about jack the ripper in a modern context. gallows, lol. this is just so overtly dramatic it comes of as cheap and silly. it reminds me of like Alexander Pope plus Fall Out Boy.

and your words come to me as wounded birds
sex smile. bedroom eyes. kissing my hands.
I know where I stand.
Quicksand.


Everything but the Quicksand is really great. "sex smile" is probably the best term here because "bedroom eyes" is a Converge lyric. still excellent job on this part.

wounded birds
stupid and beautiful


like the use of stupid here. great unused word.

Shut up, I said
Shut up shut up shut up.


k.

near-solid piece if you hadn't gone overly dramatic in the beginning. maybe you should edit that up into something a tad more real and smooth sounding. of course this could just be my jaded opinz.
#6
"and your words come to me as wounded birds
sex smile. bedroom eyes. kissing my hands.
I know where I stand.
Quicksand."

Great imagery, this is my favorite section.
-Kole
-Ultimate-Guitar's Songwriting Guru
-www.KoleMusician.com
-www.TheNextStepGuitar.com
#8
I agree with Sir Pixie about the first stanza.

Other than that man..
マリ「しあわっせはーあるいってこないだーからあるいってゆっくんだねーん 
いっちにっちいっぽみーかでさんぽ
 さーんぽすすんでにっほさっがるー 
じーんせいはっわんつー!ぱんち・・・


"Success is as dangerous as failure. Hope is as hollow as fear." - from Tao Te Ching

#9
oh. when did this happen?
love dead like a crushed fly

for those of you who said you'd be interested in hearing my lyrics put to music- I started work on recording an album, if you get in touch with me pm or otherwise I'd be more than happy to fill you in
#11
touche. I'll fix this right away.

did you write on my wall yesterday? I got an e-mail saying you did but nothing was there.

edit: nevermind. apparently I can't edit out "Writing of the Week"
love dead like a crushed fly

for those of you who said you'd be interested in hearing my lyrics put to music- I started work on recording an album, if you get in touch with me pm or otherwise I'd be more than happy to fill you in