#1
we’d eat breakfast together.
plastic fats wrapped with saturated paper.
but now her whims are all with lovers,
rose petaled footsteps and stomachs traced in covers.
a wish never visualized
screened by casual meals
and fingertips looped in lace.
i painted romance on my cheeks
splayed on front for a flirting world to see
but clouds of lucid imitation
bled that paint into beads of truth.
she still fingers her way into twined devotion
her tips moist and soft in their brushes
my kisses left on dry lips
pleading for a hollow flood.
#2
I dig it. I really like the line, "I painted romance on my cheeks/splayed out front for a flirting world to see." It's really suggestive of a situation. You should expand this.
"There he goes. One of God's own prototypes. Some kind of high powered mutant never even considered for mass production. Too weird to live, and too rare to die."-Duke
#4
Quote by pixiesfanyo
we’d eat breakfast together.
plastic fats wrapped with saturated paper.
I prefer "in" instead of with, "wrapped in" makes more sense I think than with.
but now her whims are all with lovers,
The "but "here is a bit off, I think, because there isn't really a contrasting idea in the sentences before. Perhaps this line could use a set up sentence or two?
rose petaled footsteps and stomachs traced in covers.
This is great imagery, but I would have liked it more if they were linked more closely. Because footsteps and a bed don't really have much in common. How about rose petals on a bed? cliche but you get what I mean, I presume. Personally the "rose petaled footsteps" didn't work half as well as the covers line (which was excellent.) I thin this is because petals are more commonly thought of as being on a bed, whole romantic-night thing.
a wish never visualized
screened by casual meals
and fingertips looped in lace.
i painted romance on my cheeks
Eh, "painted " could possibly be improved but I can't think of what. Possibly something that fits in better with the desperate tone at the end? Something similar to the "splayed" used in the next line; it has that rushed, must-do this feeling.
splayed on front for a flirting world to see
I think hyphenating "splayed-on" works just a bit better, otherwise the sentence sort of trips up when you get to front. Maybe.
but clouds of lucid imitation
bled that paint into beads of truth.
Eh, this is a pretty weak line. "beads of truth" doesn't really fit the tone of this piece, and if there was one line I'd removed it'd be this.
she still fingers her way into twined devotion
her tips moist and soft in their brushes
my kisses left on dry lips
pleading for a hollow flood.
I very much loved this ending. Such great attention to detail, and excellent word choice.



Thanks Jared .
#6
I always enjoy your tone and style you bring to the piece, as you usually do, and whilst a couple of words and phrases I pointed out I think could be improved, it's definitely you and definitely a good read
#7
I think it leaves a feeling that you where going for and I can really sense what it was like to be with this girl. I lot of forced hope and obvious truths that longevity is almost out of the question. She seems like she could be playing games or even just have your company is enough or more. I really did enjoy this.