#1
Hey guys,

This is an unfinished piece (no chorus yet!) I've been working on, just wanted some feedback as to how it's going 'cos I'm really not sure! I'm more than happy to crit yours too, so leave a link and I'll see yours too! Thanks!


Named After Place of Conception


Hands up if you’ve had enough of disrepute and decadence
Engendered by these household names, these ne’er-do-wells
As shallow as a tinker’s bath; they never thank the Great Unwashed
For all their elbow grease.

In my insides… there resides,
Acid, I’m… like a f*cking battery.
My dear… It’s not your year,
That orange suit… It’s just not you…


Keep your silver spoon I’d rather have your ditzy, dainty head
Served up upon a silver plate, you’re nothing but
A mannequin for fancy frocks, a vacuous receptacle
For sauce and cigarettes.

In my insides… there resides,
Acid, I’m… like a f*cking battery.
My dear… It’s not your year,
That orange suit… It’s just not you…
#2
Not bad, not bad at all. With a bit of music behind it, it might be really good. I like the use of certain fancy words "disrepute and decadence" for example, where other people would probably have used simpler words.

In my insides… there resides,
Acid, I’m… like a f*cking battery.
My dear… It’s not your year,
That orange suit… It’s just not you…


You could always use that as a chorus, or change it slightly each time and make it a pre-chorus
#3
Yeah that was my plan - at the moment it's a pre-chorus, might change the words second time round... Thanks for the kind words
#4
I'd help with a chorus, but it wouldn't fit with what you have. The words would come out simpler than that and I can't really tell what it's about...call me stupid if you want, but I don't really understand songs with a deep meaning...I'M SIMPLE
#5
Hehe, I like to make things a little cryptic, but I can explain if you'd like?! (It might take the fun out though!) And I'm sure you're not simple at all buddy! Anyways, there's no wrong answer with lyrics, right?!
#6
And the globules of activity
Within my brain
I just don't have a hope
And I'm in Vein
It doesn't make much sense
More I think of it
It doesn't make much sense to me
Now that I'm insane

How's that for a chorus? I dunno if it fits, but it sounds good if you gradually get louder and end up screaming down the microphone...not that I have a mic, I was singing it to myself
Quote by uvq
yeah fire him secretly... thats what im doing except im firing myself and secretly joining someone elses band

Quote by Jekkyl
If you get a virus by looking at porn, is it considered a sexually-transmitted disease?

Quote by DiveRightIn63
thanks for the compliment man!
#7
Hehe, fair enough. Thanks man, I'll see what I can do with that, see if it fits with the song. Appreciate it
#8
No problem, tell me if you don't use it, that way I can use it
Quote by uvq
yeah fire him secretly... thats what im doing except im firing myself and secretly joining someone elses band

Quote by Jekkyl
If you get a virus by looking at porn, is it considered a sexually-transmitted disease?

Quote by DiveRightIn63
thanks for the compliment man!
#9
Sure thing... I just had a little jam around with it and unfortunately it looks like it's not gonna fit... But thanks anyway man, very generous of you to willingly give me some of your own material
#10
I love this piece, its somewhat...charismatic. it has an arrogant air to it, and very beautifully written-extravagant language poorly masking unrestrained aggression. I say arrogant- arrogance is simply unjustified confidence so I would be more inclined to call it confident, my only negative is that its too short.


Quote by el_jimbo

Keep your silver spoon I’d rather have your ditzy, dainty head
Served up upon a silver plate,


This is my favourite part so far

return crit? https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?p=11219848#post11219848
“I smoke. If this bothers anyone, I suggest you look around at the world in which we live and shut your f*ckin' mouth.” RIP
Http://www.Smash-it-up.tk
#11
Wow, thanks, appreciate it! That's exactly what I was going for - it's sort of about celebrities who have done nothing to earn their position, whilst billions of other people bust a gut for an average life. I liked the idea of wording it fancily but it being essentially angry. Thanks, high praise indeed! As for the shortness thing, as I said, it's unfinished, needs a chorus, and perhaps another verse... I'll see yours now!
Last edited by el_jimbo at Oct 23, 2007,
#12
Ooh, I might be able to make a chorus that makes sense now...I'll see what I come up with and post again.
Quote by uvq
yeah fire him secretly... thats what im doing except im firing myself and secretly joining someone elses band

Quote by Jekkyl
If you get a virus by looking at porn, is it considered a sexually-transmitted disease?

Quote by DiveRightIn63
thanks for the compliment man!
#13
You think you know what hard work is
But you don't have a clue
You're just a puppet of the media
While a simple seep may make you weep
It's something we're used to
But you are just a puppet of the media

I think that makes more sense than my last one, add in fancy words to make it fit better, and by seep I mean a small cut.
Quote by uvq
yeah fire him secretly... thats what im doing except im firing myself and secretly joining someone elses band

Quote by Jekkyl
If you get a virus by looking at porn, is it considered a sexually-transmitted disease?

Quote by DiveRightIn63
thanks for the compliment man!