#1
a plane to Spain gets you away from the rain
like a dvd player lets you escape the pain

superman, superman you've inherited skills
but jump into the sky, high, and you're over the hill

pampered and polished your a dishonest queen
neglect the anorex, if you know what I mean

superman, superman you've inherited skills
but jump into the sky, high, and you're over the hill

in a click, click, click of a finger
and a blink, blink, blink of an eye
I find myself asking time after time
Don't we deserve to die?
Don't we deserve to die?

your safety net in the wet is the umbrella I hold
with your two free hands you go flying, I'm told

superman, superman you've inherited skills
but jump into the sky, high, and you're over the hill

the fire burning in your heart is the storm I see
I bet they'll be thunder in the air eventually

superman, superman you've inherited skills
but jump into the sky, high, and you're over the hill

in a click, click, click of a finger
and a blink, blink, blink of an eye
I find myself asking time after time
Don't we deserve to die?
Don't we deserve to die?

there was never a start to this end
if you asked me to pinpoint
there was never a start to this end
if you asked me to pinpoint

in a click, click, click of a finger
and a blink, blink, blink of an eye
I find myself asking time after time
Don't we deserve to die?
Don't we deserve to die?
#2
In the first line, I'm think the "in Spain" could be substituted for something else. I feel like it's only there for the rhyme. The second line about the DVD is great. Definitely very original. The next line it should be " you're" not "your". Unless you want to change it to: "Pamper and polish your dishonest queen/Neglect her anorexia...". Just a suggestion. Also I think the over the hill line could use some rewording. I understand what it means, but it just seems kind of contorted. Perhaps something like: "But you jumped into the sky and over the hill". The next stanza is great especially the "Don't we deserve to die" line. The next stanza about the umbrella, I wasn't really feeling. It wasn't bad, it was just kind of there. The "fireburning" stanza was much better. More emotion there. The "there was never a start to this end" was another nice line. Anyways, I definitely enjoyed reading this.

Crit mine please
Angelic Mongrel
#3
its cool to rhyme and all but it is pointless to sacrifice the topic of a piece solely on the basis to rhyme well. this is a hollow and empty work and it really has nothing anyone could relate to. its rhyme scheme is even boring and evokes the feel of a child song, maybe about monkeys or how to carve a pumpkin safely. try and change that prism of this song and maybe you'll have a salvaged piece.
#4
i agree with themarsvolta, the DVD line is awesome. it totally fits.
#5
Thanks Joseph, helpful as usual.

Jared - you kick me up the arse at the right time, always. Cheers.

Eeler - thanks for your time.
#6
Im pretty much agreeing with everyone else here so this is pointless but a bump I like the dvd line as well but the rest just seems bland and repetitive. I have trouble reading through the whole piece cause i get bored with it. I think you should salvage that dvd line and put it into another piece and probably get rid of the rest. Sorry!

if you have time https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=699024