#1
Ah ha! Another one from UG's reccuring pessimist! It would appear that not only is my glass half empty-I cant afford another one afterwards!

Recording is Here

Artistic License and A Million and One Regrets

Verse 1
I got up this morning and i left myself lying in bed,
I'd have made the effort, but i'd rather be sleeping instead.
I shouldve been a rockstar now, I couldve been a millionaire,
I keep fighting and trying but I swear I'm getting nowhere.

Chorus
Nothings real but the grain of the wood in the bar,
and the fog of the smoke in the air -
so that nobody knows where they are.
Or where they came from, 'cause really we're all the same,
and there's only so far we can go

Verse 2
I got me a cheap guitar, and a half smoked cigarette,
Artistic license and a million and one regrets.
I'm losing inspiration here, along with my jack and coke
and once again my friend, I've reached the end of my rope

[repeat chorus]

Middle Eight
My fingers are bleeding now,
and im sitting here number than most.
Its only when you've lost everything -
that you see what you wanted the most.

crit for crit, etc etc
“I smoke. If this bothers anyone, I suggest you look around at the world in which we live and shut your f*ckin' mouth.” RIP
Http://www.Smash-it-up.tk
#2
Hey Liz.

I've heard this before, I think it was on your myspace.

I don't have too much to say, expect "wow".

My favourite part is the middle eight, and the line is about the grain of the wood in the bar.

Very heartfelt stuff.
#3
Hello stranger! I havent seen many posts by you for a long time! Yeah this is an old one, it was on myspace just over a year ago but I took it off. I just discovered it again sitting amongst a pile of lost and weary mp3's in an unnamed folder and decided to throw it on here. See what people make of it.
“I smoke. If this bothers anyone, I suggest you look around at the world in which we live and shut your f*ckin' mouth.” RIP
Http://www.Smash-it-up.tk
#4
Thanks for seeing mine!

I really enjoyed this piece. It had a very sombre air to it, it's rather melancholy, but somehow it still comes across (at least to me) as having an air of optimism about it - there's a certain knowledge, a certain sageness and wiseness of experience.

The first line is fantastic, and roped me in straight away. I liked the oxymoron, it made the line almost blackly comical. The last two lines of the first verse are ever-so-slightly cliché, but I think that it doesn't affect the piece in the slightest.

The chorus is fab. As BrianApocalypse already said, the part about the grain of wood is a stroke of brilliance! The second verse is very, very strong, I enjoyed it immensely. At the risk of sounding like a broken record, the last eight is also brilliant!

All in all, a great piece, and I really enjoyed reading it. Very heartfelt, very honest.

#5
nice I like it
Quote by hendo123456789
invincibleneo - you are one of the only people in this thread that talk sense.
#6
"I got me a cheap guitar, and a half smoked cigarette,
Artistic license and a million and one regrets."

one of the best lines I've read in quite some time. Some of the rest isn't really up to the quality as that. I read the chorus a few times, and for the life of me couldn't get a rythm that I thought was that good. As I read it again, I think the entire verse 2 is well above avergage writing. Excecpt fo the coke/rope rhyme which is a bit comical actually. Although I didn't much care for the rhyme in the last "eigth" as you call it of "most/most" I do think that it is passible. Also, in the last little stanza there, I get what you're saying about being numb, but I'm not sure that's how you spell it and am to lazy to double check it. may I suggest just chaning it to "more numb than most" that way when you reapeat most in the last line as well it appears more intential. Just a suggestion.
LISTEN:
A Myspace introduction to:

LEARN:
It's not always rainbows and butterflies,
It's compromise that moves us along. -- Maroon 5
#7
Numb (nŭm)
adj., numb·er, numb·est.
Deprived of the power to feel or move normally; benumbed: toes numb with cold; too numb with fear to cry out.
Emotionally unresponsive; indifferent: numb to yet another appeal.

Yep, number is right though the b is silent, so when it is spoken or used in context its easy to differentiate between the varying forms of the word. Obviously.

If you want to get the rythmn for the chorus-listen to the recording ;P thats what its there for! Thanks for all the comments.
“I smoke. If this bothers anyone, I suggest you look around at the world in which we live and shut your f*ckin' mouth.” RIP
Http://www.Smash-it-up.tk
#8
Quote by damn-right!
Numb (nŭm)
adj., numb·er, numb·est.
Deprived of the power to feel or move normally; benumbed: toes numb with cold; too numb with fear to cry out.
Emotionally unresponsive; indifferent: numb to yet another appeal.

Yep, number is right though the b is silent, so when it is spoken or used in context its easy to differentiate between the varying forms of the word. Obviously.

If you want to get the rythmn for the chorus-listen to the recording ;P thats what its there for! Thanks for all the comments.


no worries man, I figured it was right, it just looked odd. I'll check out the rythm. You mind taking a look at mine ... it's called Hailey's Song. Thanks.
LISTEN:
A Myspace introduction to:

LEARN:
It's not always rainbows and butterflies,
It's compromise that moves us along. -- Maroon 5