#1
this is the second posting of this little ditty about two people who are quite different and madly in love. "Oposites attract" so to speak. The first post was victim to an ill title which I guess was keeping people from taking it serious. Renamed, and ready for crits. C4C as always.

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CHORUS
I'd walk a thousand miles
just to be next to mine
I'd climb to the highest
to steal away your pain
yeah if I'm flawed at my best
then you're perfect in every way
yeah you're perfect in every way

VERSE 1:
you like the morning
turn up the radio
thank the sun for showing
open up the window

VERSE 2:
I sleep till 'round noon
wonder where the day goes
push away all the covers
just throw on some clothes

PRE CHORUS:
baby I know we're different
and everyone asks you why
let them have all thier doubts
you can tell them this reply

CHORUS

VERSE 3:
you get all dressed up
Ruth's Chris or Red Robin
give away your last shoes
say that you don't need them

VERSE 4:
I seem to talk for hours
without a reason behind at all
I'm a better version
when you become involved

PRE CHORUS

CHORUS

BRIDGE:
for the ones that you see
that says about me and you
i can't wait to grow old
just like the two of you

PRE CHORUS

CHORUS x2
LISTEN:
A Myspace introduction to:

LEARN:
It's not always rainbows and butterflies,
It's compromise that moves us along. -- Maroon 5
Last edited by aksuperstar at Oct 28, 2007,
#2
sorry, but i didn't really like this. the topic is pretty overdone, and your rhyming is really random. some verses rhyme, some don't, some almost do. its too all over the place, and it really messes with the flow. i would suggest just writing whats important and forget about trying to make rhymes. though this may be my disdain of rhyme speaking right now...

sorry it's so negative, i don't mean it personally. i'm sure you're a lovely person.
and thanks for the crit on mine!
when birds flap their wings do the make believe they're really arms?
#4
Thanks you two, I appreciate the comments. Any full crits out there? I'm good for a return crit.
LISTEN:
A Myspace introduction to:

LEARN:
It's not always rainbows and butterflies,
It's compromise that moves us along. -- Maroon 5
#5
Hi,

I had already gone through and detailed a full crit... worked on it for about 15 minutes... hit submit and the lovely internet Explorer locked up... so this is going to be me showing you the same changes I recommended before... and then giving a summary of what I said before, below the quote.


Quote by aksuperstar


CHORUS
I'd walk a thousand miles
just to be next to mine
I'd climb to the highest
to steal away your pain
yeah if I'm flawed at my best
then you're perfect in every way
yeah you're perfect in every way

I think you need to add a 'peak' at the end of the third line... I think it gives the line more meaning as currently it is a dangling modifier to... well, nothing. It needs a noun to really give it a purpose. Also, take out the 'then' in the next to last line... you need a conditional statement to make the 'then' work... so either add an 'if' to the beginning of the line before it or drop the then.

VERSE 1:
you like the morning
turn up the radio
thank the sun for showing
open up the window

VERSE 2:
I sleep till 'round noon
wonder where the day goes
push away all the covers
just throw on some clothes

You need to combine these two verses... and not just connect 2 at the end of 1... you need to mesh them together. Otherwise the point isn't made in one or the other... they just seem, pointless. Neither is focused on what the song is about, the differences... they are focused on two morning routines. They do nothing currently... they just don't. If you mesh them, make sure you make it so that you can tell that you are pointing out different routines. As for diction, "you like the morning" is just blah... you need something more here.


PRE CHORUS:
baby I know we're different
and everyone asks you why
let them have all their doubts
you can tell them this reply

FINALLY! something that is on point about what you want the song to be about... This needs to be part of the chorus... otherwise your chorus doesn't fit what you want the song to be about. You realize that this is the only part of the entire song (as it currently stands) that covers what you want the song to be about... and that is not a good thing my friend.


VERSE 3:
you get all dressed up
Ruth's Chris or Red Robin
give away your last shoes
say that you don't need them

VERSE 4:
I seem to talk for hours
without a reason behind at all
I'm a better version
when you become involved

These just don't cover what you want either... they aren't focused on the topic. The only saving grace is your last two lines... and these are good... but that's about all there is in these two that really convey what you want.


BRIDGE:
for the ones that you see
that says about me and you
i can't wait to grow old
just like the two of you

I get what you were trying to say here... but you seem to have stumbled over yourself... they just don't say it. Sorry.



To begin, my apologies for being so negative... but its only going downhill. Please take what I say next as a critique, not as a cut down. That said:

I can tell you have emotion behind this piece... but I can't feel it. You're writing in cliche and you aren't focusing on anything in particular. If you hadn't told me what the song was about... this would have just all seemed like incoherent garble... but since I knew, I can KIND of follow it. If you really want to improve as a writer, you need to try a couple things (this is just IMO... others may disagree, who knows):

First, Break out of cliche... you don't need to write like everyone else does... or about a topic everyone else does. You also don't have to write in 4 line blocks... Let it flow man, just write until a stanza feels finished... and try to say what you mean without saying it in the same way the guy sitting next to you would say it. That's what I get stuck into... and I know it kills my writing. In this piece... your entire chorus can be found in hundreds of other love songs... you need to write something new and refreshing.

Two: Stay focused on what you want to accomplish in the piece. In this piece, you jumped back in forth between comparing how you and the person were different, to what you would do to impress them, to wanting to be old with them... and it just got so confusing it was hard to follow.


I think those were the main two things I had problems with. Honestly though, it had good flow and bounce... and should you put it to music, with a few corrections, you'd probably have a Radio hit in a day or two. It just doesn't have the depth of meaning I think you intended it to have.

I'm sorry for being so negative, I really think you should continue writing and posting here, as I can feel a great deal of potential... I just don't think you let your ideas out here, you kind of bottled them up into a structure that you think your writing should be in.

Let me know when you post something new, I'd love to look over it again and have you prove me an idiot for this crit.

Well, you can get back at me now... c4c please? they are in my sig... feel free to rip me to hell.

peace and coconuts,

-ZC
#6
actually Zanas, this is going to sound odd, but I appreaciate you being negative. I have enough people telling me that it's "good" I wouldn't change a thing. It it very helpfull when I get someone who doesn't like it, they can point out things I might not have seen or thought of. I read your stuff, you are deffinently a different type of writer than I am, which is why your comments and ideas are greatly appreciated and welcomed. Thanks for taking the time to read and post.
LISTEN:
A Myspace introduction to:

LEARN:
It's not always rainbows and butterflies,
It's compromise that moves us along. -- Maroon 5