#1
Ok, first proper song I've written, feel free to have a good ol' bash.
Any title ideas would be appreciated
And if anyones wondering, I'll talk to her tomorrow


I'm sorry if I walked away:
I was angry and upset,
Beacause of what you said
It reminds me of the past.

I'm sorry for what I said,
It was childish and cruel.
The hurt comes from within
And I would never mean to hurt you.


If you'll forgive me now,
We can try and rebuild,
Maybe start again
A place where we're both new


I've been hurt before,
But never like that day.
Gently into shards
While you drifted away.

You mean the world to me,
I'm in love with you.
But I've burned every bridge,
And you never knew.


If you'll forgive me now,
We can try and rebuild,
Maybe start again
A place where we're both new
The hurt comes from within
And I would never mean to hurt you.
Quote by filthandfury
I only do that on MSN, and I get many complaints about it.

F&F will have cyber sex with you on MSN. He's a bit handsy though.


I have become..... METACARPI!!!!

I wish


Joeymaxx
#2
tryin 2 get a feel for it but it's hard without any music.......... wot sort of tunes u reckon u'l play with it?
#3
Quote by metalimaster
tryin 2 get a feel for it but it's hard without any music.......... wot sort of tunes u reckon u'l play with it?


I had music and edited it out.... duh...

It's acoustic, arpeggio chords.... strumming in the chorus
Quote by filthandfury
I only do that on MSN, and I get many complaints about it.

F&F will have cyber sex with you on MSN. He's a bit handsy though.


I have become..... METACARPI!!!!

I wish


Joeymaxx
#4
o yep so a sort of like plain white t's i spose....... well then it should go down well, but maybe it sounds a bit needy...... and that never goes down well.........
#5
Was tryin for a more Cash/Taylor/Simon feel....
Quote by filthandfury
I only do that on MSN, and I get many complaints about it.

F&F will have cyber sex with you on MSN. He's a bit handsy though.


I have become..... METACARPI!!!!

I wish


Joeymaxx
#6
I'll have a go at a full crit for you

I'm sorry if I walked away,
I was angry and upset,
Beacause of what you said
It reminds me of the past.
First 2 lines, spot on. I feel there's a syllable missing somewhere in line 3 or 4. Mess around with it and get back to me.

I'm sorry for what I said,
It was childish and cruel.
The hurt comes from within
And I would never mean to hurt you.
Again, first 2 lines fine. Good lyrics, i'm getting the feel for it. But this time in line 3/4, there's one syllable too many. Try getting rid of the 'would'.

If you'll forgive me now,
We can try and rebuild,
Maybe start again
A place where we're both new
Hurrah . This verse is better. First line. Rather than putting the 'you''ll', put 'you will' It flows better. Its same story again though. The 3rd line is too short. If the 4th line was longer then you put a couple of words of that onto the 3rd but if you want a 3rd line that short, make the 4th longer. If you get what i mean

I've been hurt before,
But never like that day.
Gently into shards
While you drifted away.
The lines are shorter but it works because its consistent. I like it. Its a bit of a double negative in the first 2 lines.
'I've been hurt before,
But never like that day'
Get rid of the but. It contridicts inself.


You mean the world to me,
and I'm in love with you.
But I've burned every bridge,
And still you never knew.
Added in a few words where you need it here. Keep these and its fine

If you'll forgive me now,
We can try and rebuild,Please, please rewrite this. It brings the whole feel down. It doesn't flow.
Maybe start again
A place where we're both new
I never meant to hurt you
I got rid of the last 2 lines. And added one. I hope you don't mind.


Overall, I wasn't a fan. It had some major flow issues. Sort that out and the whole feel will improve.

Can you crit my poem called "war" please?

ta bbz.