#1
Women suck.

Not in the vulgar sense of the word of course. We are all humans, but I at least know I’ll try to use a touch of finesse whilst writing this, unlike others that seem to be on an endless quest blatantly trying to advertise their stupidity.

What I’m trying to give to understand here, is that, they can’t see the practical side of things. If everything were as easy as spreading the jam on the toast, life would be a drag, sex would always last and most importantly, women would realize that the shortest distance between to points, is the straight lines. Not the tour the France, at a dead cyclist’s speed.

And, before you all jump on the feminist band-wagon and attempt to extirpate one of my kidneys and rip out my urethra, let me explain myself:

I already lack one of my kidneys and we all know that more than one of you would hate to see me dead…



I have consent.
#2
I don't really know what to say Kyrl. I'm not sure how I can crit this. I'll have a go

Women suck.
Good opening, it gets people wanting to read on.

Not in the vulgar sense of the word of course. We are all humans, but I at least know I’ll try to use a touch of finesse whilst writing this, unlike others that seem to be on an endless quest blatantly trying to advertise their stupidity.I don't think this sentence flows. It seems to go on and on.
Overall, an ok paragraph. It didn't flow for me.

What I’m trying to give to understand here, is that, they can’t see the practical side of things.I like it. Not overly pretencious. Its something i've noticed in one or 2 of your pieces. It seems to be too clever. If everything were as easy as spreading the jam on the toastgood comparison , life would be a drag, sex would always last and most importantly, women would realize that the shortest distance between two points, is the straight lines.again, the sentence is a bit long. I mean, i'm not putting it down, but its a tiny bit long Not the tour the France, at a dead cyclist’s speed.I love this comparison, as I love the tour de France.

And, before you all jump on the feminist band-wagon and attempt to extirpate one of my kidneys and rip out my urethra, let me explain myself:

I already lack one of my kidneys and we all know that more than one of you would hate to see me dead… Loved the ending. Very sudden and clever. Made me chuckle.

Overall, quite good. Some of the sentences are a bit over-complicated, but its very good.

Crit mine called war please?
#3
not sure what the other posters are chuntering on about.

I like your style man
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#4
This is really awful, more on that later when I have a chance to wreck your shit.
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#5
Agree with Matt. This is like the kind of stuff you'd expect to find in a notebook with a Korn and Skinny Puppy sticker on the front. So many of the metaphors are just metaphors with out any real context and all of the ideas are elementary at best. This is just a childish piece that begins childish "Women suck." and ends chidlish. The statement "Women suck" is such an obvious reach for irony but in actuality it makes you look like a pretentious nitwit that really has no real basis for living except to leech of those ideas which have already been pinned against bulletin board thousands of times and are now just seen throw glimpses of other paper. "We are all humans" what is this the sequel to the Robin Williams movie where he played a robot? Reeks of self importance and then throws some more **** on the pile with the next line. The toast metaphor is an obvious chance for you to at least demonstrate the ability to create a creatively worded expression of imagery but that is even failed at because you have to go for probably the first idea that came to your head. The next line about sex and *two* points is just really unflattering and just doesn't work. It sounds like something you'd get when you just cut to sentences out of something and pasted them together, only without the creativity. The part about ripping out kidney's and the urethra is a nice ode to trying to write an Alkaline Trio song but even their latest album which was a complete ****fest is better than this amateur attempt at being intellectual. How about you rave about the Mars Volta being the most revolutionary band in music today and try not to forget your tweed jacket? ugh. seriously poems like this is why i completely can hardly stand reading stuff on this forum anymore. it's like panic at the disco rolled in bed with palahniuk and then they went to a salinger lecture. all style, and forced substance that just evokes pure angst.
#6
What the hell is this? I know english isn't your first language (or maybe it is, but I think you live in Spain, right? so you don't use it day to day) but don't you usually, you know, write coherent sentences?

Just go back and read what you've written before I give you too much credit and assume this is a big postmodernist joke on us all.

EDIT:

You know why I don't like you, Jared? You mix up your stereotypes.

Quote by pixiesfanyo
This is like the kind of stuff you'd expect to find in a notebook with a Korn and Skinny Puppy sticker on the front.


Yeah, since most Korn fans actually know who Skinny Puppy are. But it gets worse!

Quote by pixiesfanyo
How about you rave about the Mars Volta being the most revolutionary band in music today and try not to forget your tweed jacket?


Excuse me? A tweed jacket? Why do Mars Volta faggots attend Princeton in your messed-up metaphoric universe?

Quote by pixiesfanyo
it's like panic at the disco rolled in bed with palahniuk and then they went to a salinger lecture.


Yeah, since Salinger is always out there giving public lectures, signing autographs, shaking hands and shit. And I'm sorry you didn't like Catcher, but there's a lot of Salinger that's really great. Pick up Nine Stories and read "The Laughing Man" or "A Perfect Day for Bananafish" if you don't believe me.
Last edited by *Truly Ninja* at Oct 24, 2007,
#7


Good god, sometimes I hate you Jared, but sometimes I love you more than you can know. I can't agree more, and I was basically going to say what Jared said with more f-bombs being dropped.

This is just really, really awful and I can't believe someone would post this thinking it's decent. You're fucking 14, why are you talking about women, why the hell are you talking about things you clearly have no idea about.

It's like how I used to write, about science, and nuclear ****, I didn't know what the hell I was talking about and you clearly have no idea either, and I realized, and it took Jared of all people to tell me that my shit sucked monkey balls to realize that.

You are fourteen, so I will excuse the excessive amount of angst, which is pretty inexcusable, and not to mention the piss-poor attempts (like all your poetry) at being intellectual, it's just tacky okay. You're fourteen, you're not a philosopher, you're not some super genius, and even if you were, it wouldn't matter because it doesn't show in your writing. Stop writing with such pretention and write from your what you know, and I think you need to start actually doing practice.

Look outside, and try to describe a tree without sounding like a douchebag, try to describe an event without sounding like a melodramatic piece of man pussy. You need to step back, and think and wonder to yourself, is what I'm writing actually good, does it actually compare with some professionally published stuff, and if it doesn't why, and how can I fix this, because everything I've read from you is so up it's own ass with intellectualism it's sickening.

Anyway, hopefully what we've posted here has gave you some insight as to why this and a lot of your stuff isn't being taken seriously.

Harsh is harsh, and everyone needs a dose.

-matt-
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