#1
My first song as such, in months. This was a challenge for me, because I'm used to just having to make things read nicely - not necessarily be able to be sung nicely. The bridge I know reads a bit amatuer, but it actually sounds really cool sung, and the deeper meaning is there, which is the main thing. V3 I know also reads weirdly, and perhaps a bit forced, Idk, but once again, it fits in with the singing, so... yeah. Still, any suggestions on those two things are more than welcome, as is any general criticism.

C-4-C


The Daffodil and The Pigskin

the daffodil and the pigskin, the pretty smile
and the dumb grin. the window’s wide open,
why don’t you step outside? the ground don’t
seem so far away from here, but I guess you’re
used to those fancy illusions.

the pigskin and the daffodil, the open wound
and the sweet pill. stay still, it won’t take long,
still got her photo kid? if you’re lucky
she might say a kind word or two
when you’re gone.

who knows? she might’ve joined
you if you looked more like her Romeo.
a romantic tragedy in place of a suicide.

the bumblebee and the plastic tree,
the battered sail and the open sea,
the monsters fright and the coming night,
the eyes are blind, oh but there’s a big red
light.

the daffodil and the pigskin, the pretty smile
and the dumb grin. the pigskin and the daffodil,
the open wound and the sweet pill.
oh, was this how it was supposed to end?
was this everything you had in mind?

who knows? oh, she might’ve joined
you if you looked more like her Romeo.
a romantic tragedy in place of a murder.

[v1/2] – descending chord progression, 4 note sequence, simple strumming
[chorus] – a second chord progression, still descending, uses darker chords
[bridge] two note chromatic variation, sounds pretty cold when sung
[v3] – variation in melody/word count per line, faster singing
[chorus] – slight wording variation
O! music: Click (Youtube)


^ Click to see an acoustic arrangement of Ke$ha's 'Your Love is my Drug' - everyone's favourite song.
#2
It sounds quite good, but i have absolutley no idea what it's about
With the music behind it, I imagine it's a good song.
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#4
Quote by Snowblind 911
The Daffodil and The Pigskin

the daffodil and the pigskin, the pretty smile
and the dumb grin. the window’s wide open,
why don’t you step outside? the ground don’t
seem so far away from here, but I guess you’re
used to those fancy illusions.

I think using the title as the first thought is a bad idea. I always like to build to a title if I do use it in the piece. I seems like you thought of the title before you wrote this. I don't really know, this opening isn't that great. I deffinately don't like the last thought, "fancy illusions." What's fancy about them? Are they hysterically gay? Are the illusions about eating and drinking gold? Expand or take out the word fancy, because it's a bit random and unneeded. Like I've been saying to everyone else, adjectives aren't an open door to description, it's the first step you take into describing something, I would have probably written 4-8 lines about the fancy illusions, because otherwise it's empty wording.

the pigskin and the daffodil, the open wound
and the sweet pill. stay still, it won’t take long,
still got her photo kid? if you’re lucky
she might say a kind word or two
when you’re gone.

Same starting, it's boring. We get it, the girl is the daffodil and you're a pigskin, stop cramming it down our throats. This stanza does nothing, it's the same thing from the last verse, "sweet pill?" Why, what does that mean? Is it candy-coated? Did you dip it in sugar? Why is it sweet, you could have added any adjective there and it would have been the same, meaningless description. The rest doesn't do anything for me.

who knows? she might’ve joined
you if you looked more like her Romeo.
a romantic tragedy in place of a suicide.

Get rid of this

the bumblebee and the plastic tree,
the battered sail and the open sea,
the monsters fright and the coming night,
the eyes are blind, oh but there’s a big red
light.

No, no, no. You're just listing things. Listing random things, that you hope people make some vague and probably ridiculous connection with. Just, this was not necessary at all. Get rid of this, or better yet, Pick one of these images you've got and go further with it. The second image would be great if you went further about and made it make sense within the context of the poem, which isn't very sensical to begin with but whatever.

the daffodil and the pigskin, the pretty smile
and the dumb grin. the pigskin and the daffodil,
the open wound and the sweet pill.
oh, was this how it was supposed to end?
was this everything you had in mind?

Meh, meh, meh, see previous comments.

who knows? oh, she might’ve joined
you if you looked more like her Romeo.
a romantic tragedy in place of a murder.

Bad ending


You've got potential kid, but you're doing a lot of things poorly I believe. You're going in with a songwriter's mindset, and you shouldn't. Some of the best lyrics don't rhyme, and were written as poetry. Don't force your rhymes, which you did, and go indepth with your detail instead of dropping random adjectives infront of nouns. Anyone with a grasp of the langauge can do that, and for the most part tenth graders have a decent grasp. A tenth grader could probably write this, but it takes a writer to use what you've written and expand on it to create a bigger, more grand image, or a narrative, give this personality and personal meaning, otherwise what you have is a cliched piece of writing full of random adjectives.

For what's it worth, I like you kid, you got spunk, but this was bad, sorry.

-matt-

https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=698803
there's mine, thanks in advance.
www.facebook.com/longlostcomic
Last edited by Something_Vague at Oct 25, 2007,
#5
I am in Grade 10

And this is full of personal meaning.

I write abstractly... nothing, nothing is random. Be sure of that much.

*sigh* I suppose I should explain everything.

This song is about being in love with a girl, and thinking she is everything... when she is nothing but a stuck up *****.

V1 - Typical romantic scenario - girl stands outside guys window [or vice-versa] and tells him to sneak out and join her. But this girl isn't so romantic... she tells the guy to jump out the window to her - that the window isn't that far away from the ground [this is the 'fancy illusion [the ground is further away than it seems]]

V2 - The guy jumps out the window... and to be blunt... dies. It's saying that if he is lucky, she'll feel guilty, and say something at his funeral.

Chorus - This is where it gets personal. We're reading Romeo And Juliet in class atm... so yeah. it's saying that the girl doesn't think he is worth dying for, based solely on his looks.

Bridge - Ok, now, this wasn't random. The 'bumblebee' is a metaphor for the guy, the 'plastic tree' is the girl. bumblebees use trees [flowers, but whatever] to get nectar... and obviously a plastic tree is useless. so it's saying the guy is looking for love in this girl... but she hasn't got any to offer him, at all. The next line [the sail/sea] the guy is just this emotional/fragile kid, and she is destroying him further - like the wind on the open sea does to a broken sail. L3 - ok, the kid isn't the handsomest thing around [monster reference] and he knows that when night comes the girl will no doubt be out with other guys [the coming night, big red light [big red light is referring to the fact the girl is just a cheap *****]


V3 - Eh... just repeats other stuff before it really... I'll change this.

Last chorus - see above mostly. last line is changed to imply that the girl killed him [whether literally or not]


Thanks for the crit... just wanna explain some stuff.
O! music: Click (Youtube)


^ Click to see an acoustic arrangement of Ke$ha's 'Your Love is my Drug' - everyone's favourite song.