#1
It had to be 500 words or less and I think it's just barely under 500 so here it is. A simple rough draft.

EDIT: The paragraphs should be indented.


“If you have had access to formal music training, tell us what you found to be the most valuable in that training. Describe how that training might contribute to your success as a student at Berklee.”


At the young age of eight, I was finally given the chance to begin playing music, an opportunity that some don’t unfortunately get. My instrument of choice at that time was the violin, which me being the naïve boy that I was, thought I was going to play the violin for the rest of my life. I enrolled in my school’s tutoring program for string instruments and stayed in it until I finished elementary school. During this time I was taught how to read proper music notation, violin-playing technique, entered contests, and performed with my peers and other students who were in the same program as an orchestra.

When I entered Junior High School, I continued to play violin but with a concerning disinterest for the music. My taste in music was changing and so I gave up the violin at the end of that year. It wasn’t until 8th grade that I began playing music once again, but my instrument was in the form of a guitar. My brother had purchased it out of the blue, absolutely unexpected. We both began taking it up, constantly trying to outplay one another. My previous encounter with music properly prepared me for this instrument. I quickly learned the notes of the strings and with a beginner’s guitar book in hand, began playing the simple songs in it with ease. I continued self-teaching myself with helpful sites on the Internet and books until I started taking it much more serious and decided to get a private instructor. My instructor coincidently being a recent Berkley graduate, opened doors for me that I thought were locked. He improved my playing drastically, and helped me appreciate different genres of music that I wouldn’t normally listen to, and to this day I continue to learn new things every time I see him. He really took the time and effort to understand where I was coming from in order to get a better idea on what and how to go about teaching me, and I really appreciated that.

With my passion for music rejuvenated I took up almost every class having to deal with music in my High School. I joined Percussion Ensemble, assorted Music Theory classes, Piano Lab, Jazz Band, and recently began playing guitar for Show Choir. I believe the most important thing I’ve learned through this training is the ability that I’ve gained to appreciate other forms of music and being open minded about different types of music. I’ve learned so much by being able to play different instruments and applying certain concepts unto my primary instrument the guitar. For example Percussion Ensemble has helped me so much with rhythm and allowed me to apply a lot of the ideas being taught to me onto the guitar.

My musical training throughout the years will help me as a student in Berklee simply because of all the knowledge I’ve been given the chance to gain, and the experiences I’ve had as a musician. This will put me a step ahead of the game and give me a heads up on what’s to come next.
Duke Ellington - If it sounds good, it is good.
#4
i see three things i would change just in the first paragraph haha

1. i wouldnt say "finally" in the first sentence
2."that some don’t unfortunately get" i would put "that some, unfortunately, don't get."

actually just two
<Raven> I got so baked last night
<Raven> that I WOKE UP high o_o
<Raven> Do you have any idea how euphoric that is?
<Raven> I felt like I was being born.
#6
Quote by *Juno*
The last sentence makes you sound like a nob...maybe tweak it a little


Any ideas on what I should put? I really need some sort of a sentence that ends it conclusively. Like "This is what I'd be coming to Berklee with"
Duke Ellington - If it sounds good, it is good.
#8
Those essays are a pain in the ass, but I'm not sure you should be writing so much. I'm looking at my application right now and it asks you to be brief and stick to the point. If I were you I'd take out a lot of the stuff about how your taste in music changed and a lot of the extra info that doesn't answer the question. Also, you spelled "Berklee," "Berkley" in your essay. They like it when you don't mess up their name...


This whole paragraph:


"When I entered Junior High School, I continued to play violin but with a concerning disinterest for the music. My taste in music was changing and so I gave up the violin at the end of that year. It wasn’t until 8th grade that I began playing music once again, but my instrument was in the form of a guitar. My brother had purchased it out of the blue, absolutely unexpected. We both began taking it up, constantly trying to outplay one another. My previous encounter with music properly prepared me for this instrument. I quickly learned the notes of the strings and with a beginner’s guitar book in hand, began playing the simple songs in it with ease. I continued self-teaching myself with helpful sites on the Internet and books until I started taking it much more serious and decided to get a private instructor. My instructor coincidently being a recent Berkley graduate, opened doors for me that I thought were locked. He improved my playing drastically, and helped me appreciate different genres of music that I wouldn’t normally listen to, and to this day I continue to learn new things every time I see him. He really took the time and effort to understand where I was coming from in order to get a better idea on what and how to go about teaching me, and I really appreciated that."

has a bunch of **** that you don't need to include.
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#9
At the young age of eight, I was finally given the chance to begin playing music, an opportunity that some don’t unfortunately get. My instrument of choice at that time was the violin, which me being the naïve boy that I was, thought I was going to play the violin for the rest of my life.

Both of these sentences are kind of awkwardly phrased. I agree with C.C. Deville above about saying finally and what he said about "don't unfortunately get."

The second sentence is just grammatically incorrect. I would change it to something like "My instrument of choice at that time was the violin and I naively thought I was going to play it for the rest of my life."

My instructor coincidently being a recent Berkley graduate, opened doors for me that I thought were locked.

My instructor was, coincidentally, a recent Berklee graduate and opened doors for me that I thought would remain locked.

He improved my playing drastically, and helped me appreciate different genres of music that I wouldn’t normally listen to, and to this day I continue to learn new things every time I see him.

He improved my playing drastically and helped me appreciate different genres of music that I wouldn’t normally listen to. To this day I continue to learn new things every time I see him.

With my passion for music rejuvenated I took up almost every class having to deal with music in my High School.

With a rejuvenated passion for music, I took up almost every class involving music in my high school.


Just a few things I noticed right off the bat. I'm not an English professor but those things are roughly what I would have done in place of your sentences. And don't use contractions.
Quote by guitar_god22

thats about south africa tho...which isnt poor at all.
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yea venezula is just the richest country in the world...
#10
yeah dont use contractions in formal writing like he said, and also umm im not sure whether you should put this in proper MLA format or like in a business letter format haha...
<Raven> I got so baked last night
<Raven> that I WOKE UP high o_o
<Raven> Do you have any idea how euphoric that is?
<Raven> I felt like I was being born.
#11
Quote by mercedesisbenz
Those essays are a pain in the ass, but I'm not sure you should be writing so much. I'm looking at my application right now and it asks you to be brief and stick to the point. If I were you I'd take out a lot of the stuff about how your taste in music changed and a lot of the extra info that doesn't answer the question. Also, you spelled "Berklee," "Berkley" in your essay. They like it when you don't mess up their name...


This whole paragraph:


"When I entered Junior High School, I continued to play violin but with a concerning disinterest for the music. My taste in music was changing and so I gave up the violin at the end of that year. It wasn’t until 8th grade that I began playing music once again, but my instrument was in the form of a guitar. My brother had purchased it out of the blue, absolutely unexpected. We both began taking it up, constantly trying to outplay one another. My previous encounter with music properly prepared me for this instrument. I quickly learned the notes of the strings and with a beginner’s guitar book in hand, began playing the simple songs in it with ease. I continued self-teaching myself with helpful sites on the Internet and books until I started taking it much more serious and decided to get a private instructor. My instructor coincidently being a recent Berkley graduate, opened doors for me that I thought were locked. He improved my playing drastically, and helped me appreciate different genres of music that I wouldn’t normally listen to, and to this day I continue to learn new things every time I see him. He really took the time and effort to understand where I was coming from in order to get a better idea on what and how to go about teaching me, and I really appreciated that."

has a bunch of **** that you don't need to include.


I agree, I myself think I strayed from the subject just a tad too much. I'll change it on my second draft. Thanks
Duke Ellington - If it sounds good, it is good.
#13
"books until I started taking it much more serious"


More seriously.

"At the young age of eight, I was finally given the chance to begin playing music, an opportunity that some don’t unfortunately get. "

Fragment. Consider revising. :P

"This will put me a step ahead of the game and give me a heads up on what’s to come next."

Formal language. No 'step ahead of the game' or 'heads up' type things in an application, man.
#14
1. don't use contractions
2. you said "unfortunately dont get"
you need to elaborate more, and maybe say why they dont get that opportunity, and why its important to you
3. i like your idea of starting it off with an anecdote, but, in its current state it only serves to help the reader get lost in your essay, as opposed to being almost guided through,
'
tl:dr, be more concise, but anecdotes are fine, as long as they transition smoothly into your topic, and alot of that seems really unnecessary and doesnt seem to elaborate your point, or answer the prompt at all...

keep trying, its a good start though...
#15
It's well-written. I know of a girl who auditioned for that school. I suggest being able to have good sight-reading abilities.
#16
They are not asking for your biography. Pick one event that you can elaborate on. Make it unique. what you have right now isn't terrible, but it's very dull and kind of blah blah blah blah about your life.

edit for my common app, i wrote about guitar. Basically about how it had changed me. I chose to highlight the first time i played a full song and the sense of accomplishment i had from that, and how it has transfered to other aspects of my life.

your topic is different, but try to do something like that. They want to know why YOU are going to be a valuable asset at the school, what you will bring to the community etc..

((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((()
Last edited by CroneR at Oct 24, 2007,
#17
Quote by The Madcap
It's well-written. I know of a girl who auditioned for that school. I suggest being able to have good sight-reading abilities.


Yeah everybody keeps telling about that and that's something I need to brush up on a little bit.
Duke Ellington - If it sounds good, it is good.
#18
^^ Call and response is really important too. My call and response is basically what got me my scholarship.
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#19
Quote by Anything Goes
It had to be 500 words or less and I think it's just barely under 500 so here it is. A simple rough draft.

EDIT: The paragraphs should be indented.


“If you have had access to formal music training, tell us what you found to be the most valuable in that training. Describe how that training might contribute to your success as a student at Berklee.”


At the young age of eight, I was finally given the chance to begin playing music, an opportunity that some don’t unfortunately get. My instrument of choice at that time was the violin, which me being the naïve boy that I was, thought I was going to play the violin for the rest of my life. I enrolled in my school’s tutoring program for string instruments and stayed in it until I finished elementary school. During this time I was taught how to read proper music notation, violin-playing technique, entered contests, and performed with my peers and other students who were in the same program as an orchestra.

When I entered Junior High School, I continued to play violin but with a concerning disinterest for the music. My taste in music was changing and so I gave up the violin at the end of that year. It wasn’t until 8th grade that I began playing music once again, but my instrument was in the form of a guitar. My brother had purchased it out of the blue, absolutely unexpected. We both began taking it up, constantly trying to outplay one another. My previous encounter with music properly prepared me for this instrument. I quickly learned the notes of the strings and with a beginner’s guitar book in hand, began playing the simple songs in it with ease. I continued self-teaching myself with helpful sites on the Internet and books until I started taking it much more serious and decided to get a private instructor. My instructor coincidently being a recent Berkley graduate, opened doors for me that I thought were locked. He improved my playing drastically, and helped me appreciate different genres of music that I wouldn’t normally listen to, and to this day I continue to learn new things every time I see him. He really took the time and effort to understand where I was coming from in order to get a better idea on what and how to go about teaching me, and I really appreciated that.

With my passion for music rejuvenated I took up almost every class having to deal with music in my High School. I joined Percussion Ensemble, assorted Music Theory classes, Piano Lab, Jazz Band, and recently began playing guitar for Show Choir. I believe the most important thing I’ve learned through this training is the ability that I’ve gained to appreciate other forms of music and being open minded about different types of music. I’ve learned so much by being able to play different instruments and applying certain concepts unto my primary instrument the guitar. For example Percussion Ensemble has helped me so much with rhythm and allowed me to apply a lot of the ideas being taught to me onto the guitar.

My musical training throughout the years will help me as a student in Berklee simply because of all the knowledge I’ve been given the chance to gain, and the experiences I’ve had as a musician. This will put me a step ahead of the game and give me a heads up on what’s to come next.



Unexpected should be 'unexpectedly'
serious should be 'seriously'
coincidentally should be 'coincidentally'

The thing with your teacher should be in brackets, I think. The way it is now makes it seem like his being a graduate of Berklee opened the doors, rather than just him being a teacher. His being a student of Berklee seems like more of a footnote.

The 2nd underlined part seems a bit too much like a run-on sentence to me.

Those are just tiny little grammar things, though. The essay itself was very solid in my opinion, but I did think it took a bit too long to get to the thesis statement.


EDIT: Just noticed that first sentence. Ick Definitely fix that, both the wording, and it also is a bit of a run-on.
<Han> I love Hitler
Last edited by HaKattack at Oct 24, 2007,
#20
i didnt read it, but i went there.
basically all their really looking for in the essay is that you can make a coherent essay. the content itself isnt so important.

also good luck getting in. i hope you enjoy it more than i did.
edit i jsut read it and in the essay when you talked about your teacher, you spelled "Berklee" wrong, thats a HUGE no no. everyone hates that. haha
Last edited by chea_man at Oct 24, 2007,
#21
Quote by C.C. Deville
yeah dont use contractions in formal writing like he said, and also umm im not sure whether you should put this in proper MLA format or like in a business letter format haha...


you should avoid any type of structured format, college essays should never spill onto a second page, it will never get read. the only formatting you should do is name in the top left corner in case it gets detached, and hit enter until the essay is centered vertically on the page so it looks nice