#1
Baby you walked away today,
I didn’t want you anyway
You took everything I had owned
Besides, it reeks of your perfume
I should have seen this approaching
It was here eventually
And I’m happy that you left me
I despised the way you laughed == [7]
The way you shook your hips when you walked == [9]
The dimples right above your ass

I hate everything you do
But the way you make me feel is so unreal
I have the deepest hatred for you
I love you beyond anything else I feel
I guess it’s called loving hate

You lifted me above the clouds
But you sent me down ten times worse
I still hate every move you make
And it’s been a week since you left
I can’t get over the cold spot
Where you lay the past few years here
Which compels me to remember,
I loathe the way you steal the sheets at night == [12]
The way you get up and wear them in the morning== [10]

I hate everything you do
But the way you make me feel is so unreal
Baby, I have the deepest hatred for you
I love you beyond anything else I feel
I guess it’s called loving hate

Girl I’m living the life right now
It’s been a month since you left me
I’m better now that you’re away
Who am I to fool? == [5]
I need you more than anything
Telling me to live without you
It’s like telling me to not breathe
I love every thing you do == [7]

Yet, I hate everything you do
But the way you make me feel is so unreal
I have the deepest hatred for you
I love you beyond anything else I feel
I guess it’s called loving hate

I hate everything you do
But the way you make me feel is so unreal
Baby, I have the deepest hatred for you
I love you beyond anything else I feel
I guess it’s called loving ****ing hate

== is the syllables dont match up with the rest (the verses have 8)

the genre is like a medium rock

any help/crit is appreciated thanks
#2
'besides, it reeks of your perfume' is a bit out of it, i think.
the parts where you have added '==' don't flow as well.
it seems you've tried to make the chorus less repetetive, but could it be made even less at all?
There's some pretty good imagery and overall i think its quite good, it just needs some going over.
This is my second critism btw so sorry if im not very good at it.
"F*ck the guitar solos!!" - Olli Vänskä

Quote by Capt_Clarkson
I dont know whats worse, you going out with a peadophile, or the fact you went to see Dragonforce
Err... DragonForce?

Happily married to SuperKoolKid
#4
Quote by wfbrady09


*cracks knuckles... let's dig in*


Baby you walked away today,
I didn’t want you anyway
You took everything I had owned
Besides, it reeks of your perfume <-
I should have seen this approaching
It was here eventually <-
And I’m happy that you left me
I despised the way you laughed == [7]
The way you shook your hips when you walked == [9]
The dimples right above your ass

The lines I highlighted sucked. I'm sorry to be so blunt... but I can't think of any other way to do it. They don't make sense within the stanza... they come out of no where and say nothing.

Aside from that... I don't think I like this very much from the start. You are throwing out so many mixed ideas, I have no idea what's going on. I understand the point is to show love/hate. But "happy that you left me" and then going directly to describing how much you hate her? It leaves no room for expansion on ideas or building, why you feel these ways. I'm afraid to read on... because, honestly I don't think you are gonna be able to pull this off without separating stanzas into "love stanza" then "hate stanza." Otherwise its too jumble-y to be effective.


I hate everything you do
But the way you make me feel is so unreal
I have the deepest hatred for you
I love you beyond anything else I feel
I guess it’s called loving hate

first two lines are good... you used a conjunction! amazing how that can work. The 3/4 combo... no conjunction and thus, it just doesn't work. Again it just makes it feel to jumble-y to make sense. Like you were just throwing together lines back to back one about hate, one about love and not considering how it would sound. I like the idea of the last line... but the way you said it is just so immature sounding... and not intense enough for the idea... its too "joking, haha" sounding.

You lifted me above the clouds
But you sent me down ten times worse
I still hate every move you make
And it’s been a week since you left
I can’t get over the cold spot
Where you lay the past few years here
Which compels me to remember,
I loathe the way you steal the sheets at night == [12]
The way you get up and wear them in the morning== [10]

This has no flow. I mean, you might have made it work rhythmically, but just in ideas and reading... you're reaching again. Lets do this bit by bit.

1/2... Good, but you really need to re-word line 2. maybe:
But then you dropped me to the earth. (don't get so caught up in syllables that you aren't willing to experiment, it will kill your pieces from here on out

3/4... Just doesn't flow. I like the idea again, but you've said it so poorly that it doesn't work.

4/5... Re-Write:
"I can't get past the cold spot
where you'd laid the last few years,"

and I'd completely drop the last 3 and write something new. Again, nice ideas, but it would be hard to make those really say what you want without destroying the flow IMO. Maybe summarize with:

"The day you left I had to laugh,
but then spent the night in tears."

or something similar.



I hate everything you do
But the way you make me feel is so unreal
Baby, I have the deepest hatred for you
I love you beyond anything else I feel
I guess it’s called loving hate

Again flow is weak. And, again, the first two lines are the only part I like. The third line is ok, a bit cliche but whatever... however they link to the fourth line is so shaky that it just ruins any irony you were going for. See above for comment on last line.

Girl I’m living the life right now
It’s been a month since you left me
I’m better now that you’re away

Who am I to fool? == [5]

I need you more than anything
Telling me to live without you
It’s like telling me to not breathe
I love every thing you do == [7]

Punctuate, for the love of all that is Holy. First three are good, borderline cliche, but forgivable. 4: make it "who am I trying to fool?" Also, I've added spacing to the above thing... I'd do it like that.

I'd make the second section this:

I need you more than anything.
Living without you will be like
living with out breathing.
I miss everything you do.


Yet, I hate everything you do
But the way you make me feel is so unreal
I have the deepest hatred for you
I love you beyond anything else I feel
I guess it’s called loving hate

I hate everything you do
But the way you make me feel is so unreal
Baby, I have the deepest hatred for you
I love you beyond anything else I feel
I guess it’s called loving ****ing hate

Don't swear... it adds nothing here. Someplaces it works... here is just sounds immature.



Well... Sorry I was so negative. I don't mean to discourage you at all. You do have some good ideas, and I can see some talent... I think you got to caught up in the idea of the song... the irony and opposition of your internal feelings. I like the idea of the opposition... but you still have to write something that makes sense and works together to convey and idea... otherwise it just comes out as gibberish and the idea gets lost in the readers/listeners disgust with how it was said. But by all means keep writing and posting around here... I can guarantee you will get better as you go, I certainly have since I started posting here.

Thanks for looking at mine, and I hope this was helpful... I'm mildly sorry for tearing it us so much... but I think you can learn a lot from what I've said.

-zC


*edit: No you can't up (or bump as its known)... that can result in a warning and your thread being closed... but we'll leave it go here... just learn from the mistake. Also, if you want more people to look at yours... look at theirs and comment like you did on mine. If they "c4c" they should get back to you.