#1
This is my first set of lyrics I've actually written all the way to "completion" if it can be called that... So please don't be excessively brutal, but be honest. Thanks.

Staying Power

I wait at my window and bleakly survey
The same browns and grays I’ve always known;
The same I’ve grown to hate every day.
Will I ever leave, escape the monotone?

I’d give up the ghost to walk the streets of the globe,
For my feet to taste the fields and seas
I’m condemned to remain ensnared in this world
But I’ll stay here, and still I’ll stay here...
Until someone comes to break me free

Will my step e’er tread on the stones of Rome
Or the tropic isle hold my breath?
I can almost hear the waves as they come
But the truth crashes in my head instead

I’m reminded ev’ry morning by a taunting sun
I see it crossing the horizon
As if it moves just to prove it can be done
But I stay here, and still I stay here...
Won’t someone come and tear me free?

Now I resign myself to the dust of this trap
To the weeds and grit that besiege me
Imprisoned in a lone dot on the map
Never to be delivered from this debris.

What’s left here to be seen, what more can I do?
These rooms consume me, draining me to sleep.
So I close my eyes to the colors I know
I can almost see the lights of Rome
I’ll stay here, and still I’ll stay...
Last edited by theoneandonlyq at Oct 25, 2007,
#2
Hey you I have two tests tomorrow so I gotta make this brief, but some thoughts on this are:

Quote by theoneandonlyq

Staying Power

I wait at my window and bleakly survey
The same browns and grays I’ve always known;
The same I’ve grown to hate every day.
Will I ever leave, escape the monotone?
I really like the idea of "the same browns and grays" you've always known, but the repetition of "the same" and the rhyming of "monotone" seems very predictable. The last two lines seem to add nothing substantial, they are sort of just going off the second line and for that they don't really serve a purpose. It makes me as a reader feel like they don't need to be there.

I’d give up the ghost to walk the streets of globe,
For my feet to taste the fields and seas
I’m condemned remain ensnared in this world
But I’ll stay here, and still I’ll stay here...
Until someone comes to break me free
I don't understand the first line, please clarify . The topic you tackle in this part isn't anything revolutionary and you haven't stated it in a particular way so as to make it more emotionally accessible for the audience.

Will my step e’er tread on the stones of Rome
Or the tropic isle hold my breath?
I can almost hear the waves as they come
But the truth crashes in my head instead
Undoubtedly, there are some places where an "e'er" is necessary. This does not seem like one of those places . Ever would be fine I think. I think you would do well to combine the third and fourth line in a more clever way, without necessarily being so straightforward in your comparison and use of "waves" in two different senses.

I’m reminded ev’ry morning by a taunting sun
I see it crossing the horizon
As if it moves just to prove it can be done
But I stay here, and still I stay here...
Won’t someone come and tear me free?
Your ideas are interesting- VERY interesting- but I feel like you're not really wording them in an impacting way. I can totally dig the idea of looking at the sun and envying its mobility, but you're just not really reaching me with your diction.

Now I resign myself to the dust of this trap
To the weeds and grit that besiege me
Imprisoned in a lone dot on the map
Never to be delivered from this debris.
Again with the ideas.

What’s left here to be seen, what more can I do?
These rooms consume me, draining me to sleep.
So I close my eyes to the colors I know
I can almost see the lights of Rome
I’ll stay here, and still I’ll stay...


I fell in and out during this one, parts of it made me think that there was something solid there and parts of it sounded- no offense- typical. Your lyrics aren't necessarily bad, not by any means, but standing alone they just don't say much to me. They're not pulling me in.

But you said this is your first piece so it's something that you can definitely develop. Congratulations on finishing one up! Now it's time to ask yourself whether or not you are satisfied with it, and if not then why. What can you do to change that in the future? My own suggestions...

They say that when you are writing you should "show, not tell". Your thoughts and descriptions were interesting, and IMO you seem to have potential to grow as a writer, so take advantage of that. My problem is that you didn't evoke anything at all out of me, you "told" and you did not "show". I got a good idea of what you felt like, but I don't feel like reading this contributed anything to me as a reader.

Just my thoughts...
#3
Ahh well what can I say...i'm just an amateur critique, so I can't offer much criticism that I think you would find helpful. I will however point out some lines that seemed out of place or niggling, and a few that really stood out.
The line: 'These rooms consume me, draining me to sleep.' really stood out for me, it's effective, even though "these rooms consume me" could be a little close to the old cliche of "4 walls closing in". Still an effective line though.
"I wait at my window and bleakly survey" starts with another slight cliche, but then again I can't think of a better way to word it. Also despite the hate of cliches that we seem to have, I think they're used so often for a good reason...
"For my feet to taste the fields and seas" I really loved this line, the use of "taste" instead of feel creates an effective image, and seems quite original.

Overall I enjoyed this piece, I found it quite easy to relate to, a good effort man.
#4
Staying Power

I wait at my window and bleakly survey
The same browns and grays I’ve always known;
The same I’ve grown to hate every day.
Will I ever leave, escape the monotone?
---its good. the rhyming seems slightly forced though---

I’d give up the ghost to walk the streets of the globe,
For my feet to taste the fields and seas
I’m condemned to remain ensnared in this world
But I’ll stay here, and still I’ll stay here...
Until someone comes to break me free
---this is getting a little bit 'dark' but overall is great.---

Will my step e’er tread on the stones of Rome
Or the tropic isle hold my breath?
I can almost hear the waves as they come
But the truth crashes in my head instead
---"e'er" what the **** is that? anything u had going is ruined by this "ever" works way better. no offense---

I’m reminded ev’ry morning by a taunting sun
I see it crossing the horizon
As if it moves just to prove it can be done
But I stay here, and still I stay here...
Won’t someone come and tear me free?
---again.... use "every" instead of whatever u thought of. this is quite repeating the above stanza, however it is good.---

Now I resign myself to the dust of this trap
To the weeds and grit that besiege me
Imprisoned in a lone dot on the map
Never to be delivered from this debris.
---"dark" again but i like this stanza. probably my favorite.---

What’s left here to be seen, what more can I do?
These rooms consume me, draining me to sleep.
So I close my eyes to the colors I know
I can almost see the lights of Rome
I’ll stay here, and still I’ll stay...
---nevermind.... i like this one the best.---

---|Overall i liked this. it could use a little bit of work. tha rhyming just degrades just a LITTLE bit. this was definitely worth my time however.|---
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you, sir, are terrible.


I'm finding new ways to make the same mistakes,
putting my dreams onto paper and then folding them into planes,
then I let them go because when in Rome,
I set fire to what I love the most.


#5
i thought it was pretty godd some fairly forced ryhme but nothing to wrong with it
better then most of my stuff
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#6
On the second stanze, he means that he'd give up everything to live somewhere else and experience the new.
#7
I thought that it was understandable, so I was worried when the first guy who replied didn't get it. I'm glad you understood that And in reply to the guy getting a bit worked up by the "e'er" and "ev'ry", I did that simply to dictate how it needs to be read in order to have the right number of syllables in the line, because if you read "every" with 3 syllables, it messes it up. I don't get a kick out of throwing apostrophes in random places, as much as that may seem to be the case when you read this.
#8
In the first part perhaps you should use the word monochrome instead of monotone. It just fits with the theme a little better IMO, and still contains somewhat of a slant rhyme
Last edited by adamacoustic at Jul 16, 2008,