#1
An hour at the mall,
While you are in therapy,
My mind will wander...
What won't you tell me?
How do I make you know I love you?
I can't stand to look at your glistening cum covered face.
That is what I see.
I swear I'm just worried what the others will do.
I swear.
I love you. But I'm just not used to it.
I love you. But this isn't what I expected.
I love you. But what'll I tell your sister?
When you tell me everything...
I will confront everything.

I love you, son. I swear.
#2
Oh my god your poems are so touching.

Everything is just so raw and bitter and just... argh...

So much powerful in those few short sentences.

I can't say anything wrong about this at all. Sorry.
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#3
I feel like such a homophobe reading some of your poetry. It's unconfortable, and close, it's very clostrophobic, and sometimes it's hard to get past that, I know I'm a dick.

It's so weird knowing this is probably about a man, especially with the cum line, it's like something Liz Phair would write if she were a gay man.

Other than that, it's very personal and although I didn't particularly like how uncomfortable it made me, I can tell it is something close to you, and that's what counts. Plus it's written well.
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#5
I really liked this, and the interpretation I am getting out of it. It leaves you thinking, which is good.

You got across the uncomfortable feeling very well.
#6
a father jizzing on his son's face is not a good picture. but it's a nice poem, totally xiu xiu.
the heart is a risky fuel to burn
#8
at first i was thinking of two lovers, but the final verse changed my mind. horrible picture
the heart is a risky fuel to burn
#9
i think i understand this, and it's quite poignant. uncomfortable, yes, but (the way i see it) that's how the narrator feels about the subject, too, so it succeeds on that front as well. (front, nyuk nyuk nyuk)
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#10
Rather than lovemaking between a father and a son, perhaps this is a father trying to convince himself that he can go on loving and accepting his son, who has yet to admit to him (overtly)that he is gay. The father is worried about what society will think of him, and cannot dissociate the idea of his son having gay sex with the idea of his son as just that, his offspring.

This is not a bad piece; the technique of holding the identity of the subject until the end is a very good, if not overly original, technique. It's pretty strong on the whole.
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#11
Quote by carniferous
Rather than lovemaking between a father and a son, perhaps this is a father trying to convince himself that he can go on loving and accepting his son, who has yet to admit to him (overtly)that he is gay. The father is worried about what society will think of him, and cannot dissociate the idea of his son having gay sex with the idea of his son as just that, his offspring.

This is not a bad piece; the technique of holding the identity of the subject until the end is a very good, if not overly original, technique. It's pretty strong on the whole.

Bingo, except I had my mom in mind, not my dad.

Thanks everyone.
#12
An hour at the mall,
While you are in therapy,
My mind will wander...
What won't you tell me? like these first four lines.How do I make you know I love you?
I can't stand to look at your glistening cum covered face. raw and sorta....uhm.. yea
That is what I see.
I swear I'm just worried what the others will do.
I swear. nice repetition of i swear
I love you. But I'm just not used to it.
I love you. But this isn't what I expected.
I love you. But what'll I tell your sister?
When you tell me everything...
I will confront everything.

I love you, son. I swear. yea a simple concept but quite confusing as to who he is jizzing all over haha. nice peice mannnnnn.

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#13
Man, you write a poem that could be taken as a father blowing a load on his son's face, and you get a dozen replies in a single day.

I might have to start using this method.

"And I cam on his face...I love my son."
I'll have to start putting that at the end of all my poems.

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#15
It is one of those that makes more sense and pulls you in more, the second time around- and the third, etc. etc. because at first the tendency is to take it in the usual frustrated relationship way, then the mention of "what will I tell your sister" and the last line, I was like "what?". So you re-read it and pick up on more things...anyway, it was nice.

Quote by DorkusMalorkus
No one is cumming on anyone's offspring's face!




Seriously though, that was my favourite line. For writing purposes, not cause I'm pervy