#1
On the spot piece, wrote it in about eight minutes, no editting, trying to get back in the game of being quick and good.

Tell me what you think.
Crit for crits.

Enjoy

Blue Eyes, A Long Smile and A Pretty Voice

Baby's got the blue eyes,
she says she can't control it
the way she looks
the way she sees
that cold blink, she says she can
read palms and read minds. I never
bought into her act, the Scorpio,
the stars and all that bull. Calls
me the taurus, because I was born in May,
she doesn't know what it means, other
than I have an "earthy thing."
And every day she acts surprised
when she falls down long wells,
muddy water and a big dark hole
with bright blue eyes.

She talks about how her teeth
are like they were organ grinders,
her big pearly whites have
calcium stains, with the red
wine she drinks every day, her skinny
thin lipped smile is bloody and ugly.
She just wants to be pretty, pretty,
Upbeat and down the street, she's
hanging loose, and having a high
heat, high protien milkshake. If
she can cough up another twenty
she can pay me back, but if not
it's okay.

she hates her voice, sounds like
a bottle wire brush was scrubbing
her clean, clean, and that's what
the nurse said, "clean, clean." Handshakes
and that super fabulous strut,
"Brothers and sisters!" She chortles
on the street, past the Black trumpet
player and the couple having it out in the alley
way, she can clean it up, but I think
she's a slut.
www.facebook.com/longlostcomic
Last edited by Something_Vague at Oct 25, 2007,
#2
First stanza:
Seemed a little typical. It was good, and solid, however. Though "Calls
me the taurus... an earthy thing." was really great. Liked that part a lot.


Second stanza:
Loved the shift. The second line threw me. "teeth are like they were"??? from "She just wants to be pretty, pretty, Upbeat and down the street" and on was where I really got caught up in this. Very good.


Third Stanza:
Super fabulous strut, I think she's a slut. Loved this one. It didn't flow as well for me as the second one, but still really good.


Overall, liked it a lot. Good job.

Check mine out? https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=698799
#3
Thanks Alex, are there any more? I know there are some people that need to repay me.
www.facebook.com/longlostcomic
#4
Liked it, reminds me a lot of a couple of ex's.

Only real complaint is that I can't feel it, I couldn't feel a flow.
The Pit. The Movie.
#5
Considering that this was writtern in 8 minutes . It was writtern very good . Most of the people here have wasted their time describing a pretty face with imagery like crap . but u described the appearence in a very refreshing way .


She just wants to be pretty, pretty,
Upbeat and down the street,


This was nice .

Overall it was much indulging than regular love pieces that are posted here
Hi
#6
Quote by Something_Vague
On the spot piece, wrote it in about eight minutes, no editting, trying to get back in the game of being quick and good.

Tell me what you think.
Crit for crits.

Enjoy

Blue Eyes, A Long Smile and A Pretty Voice

Baby's got the blue eyes,
I guess "got" is a pretty bog-standard word. Maybe something like "born with" or something would make this opening line a little bit better. I like the use of "the" here, singling out her eyes form all the other blue ones.
she says she can't control it
the "it" is very vague here. Perhaps you ought to associate something with this line first? It hardly seems that you are talking about her eyes here, obviously she can't control that. This line needs something more specific I feel. Reading on, this line becomes more vague, in a way. I feel you never really tell us what "it" is.
the way she looks
the way she sees
Nice mix up.
that cold blink, she says she can
Again, possibly vagueness creeps in. Why the cold blink? "blink" instead of "stare" is cool. I think you should separate the next part or somehting, the way it runs into the palm reading isn't so neat, imo. It comes up on the reader to quick, I mean there in this imagery and then it's what? Palm reader? Maybe slow it down a bit and finish the picture first.
read palms and read minds. I never
bought into her act, the Scorpio,
the stars and all that bull. Calls
I would definitely create this into a separate stanza. It doesn't really run with the earlier part. bull/calls is good but part of me thinks it's forced.
me the taurus, because I was born in May,
she doesn't know what it means, other
than I have an "earthy thing."
I still have a problem with your commas, like here, but it's how you write so I'll take exception. This is good stuff to lay down the basics of your relationship with her. "she doesn't.." clause feels a little weak compared to, maybe because it's not really adding much. Maybe there's a better way to word that part?
And every day she acts surprised
when she falls down long wells,
"long" I think is a horrible adjective to describe a well. Really horrible.
muddy water and a big dark hole
with bright blue eyes.
eh, this part's not quite on the same scale, idt. Lacks a special something.

She talks about how her teeth
are like they were organ grinders,
Were? Surely you should take out "they were". But I'm not sure if "organ grinders" is positive or negative, so I'm not sure. If it is positive then the next line works after it, but said in a negative way I get confused.
her big pearly whites have
calcium stains, with the red
wine she drinks every day, her skinny
stains/day felt poor.
thin lipped smile is bloody and ugly.
I don't like how strong the "bloody and ugly" seem, not after the earlier stanza. It feels far too quick a change of attitude. It's not subtle enough for my liking either - when I read Heaney , you get the change of verbs (he uses lots of war-like verbs when he is narrating in the negative, for example). Idk, maybe it's just not my cup of tea.
She just wants to be pretty, pretty,
Upbeat and down the street, she's
hanging loose, and having a high
heat, high protien milkshake. If
protein. This was good character description. Smooth and concise.
she can cough up another twenty
she can pay me back, but if not
it's okay.
Can actually imagine that last part being a nice little ditty. Favourite part by a mile.

she hates her voice, sounds like
a bottle wire brush was scrubbing
her clean, clean, and that's what
Eh, the repetition didn't work imo. Just sounded silly.
the nurse said, "clean, clean." Handshakes
and that super fabulous strut,
"Brothers and sisters!" She chortles
on the street, past the Black trumpet
player and the couple having it out in the alley
way, she can clean it up, but I think
she's a slut.
I feel this last stanza becomes just a bit too rushes, you seem to try and fit a lot of things into it whilst putting your idea across. I wouldn't mind it being two stanzas, that take a bit more care in coming to the ending. It looks like you almost got too caught up in how your words sounded and the tone of this ending than the actual content. Take your time more in the ending part, get it set up for the last line. It was rushed, and for me that detracted from the piece.


Wet Paint could do with something more. If you could. Thanks.
#7
i liked it, although of what i've read of your writing it didn't stand out to me. it was very well done for an ots piece, it just didn't seem like it had all that much of a purpose. it felt somewhat kerouac-esque to me though in the writing, which i enjoyed.
Member of the We Have Better Taste Than You club
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#8
I'll get back to this later.

Just wanted to remind you about the famous people comp. Anything coming from that? :\
#9
Baby's got the blue eyes,
she says she can't control it
the way she looks
the way she sees
that cold blink, she says she can
read palms and read minds. I never
bought into her act, the Scorpio,
the stars and all that bull. Calls
me the taurus, because I was born in May,
she doesn't know what it means, other
than I have an "earthy thing."
And every day she acts surprised
when she falls down long wells,
muddy water and a big dark hole
with bright blue eyes.

Its easy to tell you wrote this in only 10 mintues considering the first stanza. a few cliches prove that it was hard to get into the peice for you and it seems forced, and did you come up with the idea for what it was supposed to be about in 3 seconds? haha not tryna be mean but its every other poem on here about a girl.


She talks about how her teeth
are like they were organ grinders,
her big pearly whites have
calcium stains, with the red
wine she drinks every day, her skinny
thin lipped smile is bloody and ugly.
She just wants to be pretty, pretty,
Upbeat and down the street, she's
hanging loose, and having a high
heat, high protien milkshake.
If
she can cough up another twenty
she can pay me back, but if not
it's okay.

Best lines in the whole thing. really this is the best stanza as well. in fact i think this poem could use more cutting to the bone. it seems as if there's a lot of un neccesary things in here that your just saying to fill up space. it doesnt have to be long. in fact, if those four lines were the only lines in this stanza, surrounded by another two short nice little stanzas, this would be very very good.


she hates her voice, sounds like
a bottle wire brush was scrubbing
her clean, clean, and that's what
the nurse said, "clean, clean." Handshakes
and that super fabulous strut,
"Brothers and sisters!" She chortles
on the street, past the Black trumpet
player and the couple having it out in the alley
way, she can clean it up, but I think
she's a slut.

i dont know how you're running things with syllables and such but at the very last line i suggest writing it as

way, she can clean it up, but I think
no, I know, she's a slut.



You can never fucking trust Canada when Canada decides to report on world news that doesn't concern Canada. Canada is only in it for Canada's sake. Canada doesn't even know Batman.

Fuck Canada
#10
Matt don't ****ing bump then delete it again, you know that **** pisses me off. You're doing enough to get crits as it is, you don't need to.
Filth, pure filth... That's what you are.
#11
Jammydude - I completely disagreed with almost everything you wrote . Sorry, it's not that I'm refuting your critique, it's just some of the things you said you just bad suggestions. Each stanza deals with the specific body part, when I used palm reader it was because I was talking about her eyes. The "it" in the second line, does actually refer to her eyes, as no one can control the color of their eyes. I used long wells, because anything else is poor description, it's funny, if I would have used a completely random adjective like mystical, no one would have said anything. Using long is accurate description, despite how "uncreative" it may be, it's accurate. Also the ending, was a little rushed but I don't think I could have went further if I wanted too, it came naturally, so I didn't think about it too much.

Joris - The famous person comp I deleted because I lacked the care to finish it, and honestly it wasn't going as well as I wanted.

Steve - two of those were posting malfunctions, sorry

Everyone else thank you very much, I'll try to get to yours later today.

-matt-
www.facebook.com/longlostcomic
#13
This is pretty excellent. I'm in general a big fan of this style- no forced rhymes or vocabulary, just solid flow and real substance. The first stanza starts out great- that first sentence sets the tone for the rest of the piece and is pleasantly catchy. You have a talent for good one liners- "upbeat and down the street", "the nurse said clean, clean"- an ability to say a lot in a few words, which always makes for a good read. The only real question I have is about the last part of the first stanza- you start off by saying that she has blue eyes, but at the end she's falling into a dark hole with bright blue eyes? It's not something I'd have a real problem with in another piece, but the rest of the poem is very lucid and this sort of muddies up the meaning for me. Maybe I'm just not getting that line, but that's how it struck me.

Crit mine when you get a chance?
#14
I wrote the end of the first stanza to show that even though she's got these beautiful blue eyes, she still falls into these dark ugly places, kind of simple and cliche but I like the message, it means a lot to me.
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#15
i rapped it in my head and it sounded even better

ps: i really like everything you do, keep posting here please
#16
Thank you very much, I've been posting here for three years and I probably won't be quitting any time soon.
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#17
1st Stanza:

Really like the use of 'the' in the first line... sets the tone for the whole piece in my opinion, as it sets apart that you are going into detail, and really involved with the girl in the piece. I'm with Jammy on this one, the vagueness of it just isn't working for me... and I know you rebuked him, but as for me, I would have liked to see 'them' instead of it. From here, I really dug this stanza... just had a good flow and whatnot. I won't try to fix any grammar or anything like that for you (not that I saw anything here) because I'm quite sure your grammar is much greater than mine.

2nd Stanza:

I really stumbled over 'are like they were organ grinders'. I wasn't sure what to make of the 'are' as it makes it not flow with the line before it... I just don't think it reads well, but I maybe mistaken and not feeling it too. I also don't really follow the 'bloody' reference... it just seemed out of place up to this point, but again, I might have missed it. Really like the flow for the rest of it... just has a good bounce. Really like the 'upbeat and down....' line, just fantastic. I do not like the closing to this stanza... I just feel like the last line needs something more... it kills the flow because its so abrupt, and I had to get in gear to read the last stanza... it made me lose interest in the piece because I was just halted all of the sudden... However, I do like the content of the ending... and the vagueness it leaves for what you are talking about, while still giving enough information to make it interesting... so kudos there.

3rd stanza:

this would be the weak point to the piece... this whole bit just feels like it was thrown together in the last minute so you could say you made it in 8 minutes. It loses the description that has really set this piece apart. Honestly, this is something that I, given a little time, could have written... and that's not a compliment. I don't write with the detail that you do in the above stanzas... so this whole bit seems out of place and takes away from the piece. It has its high points, specifically the strut/slut rhyme... but I just feel that given more attention and details this could really close the piece out well, but as it is... I just don't think it does justice to the first two stanzas.


Overall Impression:

Very, Very good for an OTS. Good detail, solid flow, good word choice, limited Cliches. Definitely a great piece.

C4C (in sig... Insanity's Requiem is the newest one... however any piece would be fine with me.)

peace and coconuts,

-ZC
#18
Baby's got the blue eyes,
she says she can't control it
the way she looks
the way she sees
that cold blink, she says she can
read palms and read minds. I never
bought into her act, the Scorpio,
the stars and all that bull. Calls
me the taurus, because I was born in May,
she doesn't know what it means, other
than I have an "earthy thing."
And every day she acts surprised
when she falls down long wells,
muddy water and a big dark hole
with bright blue eyes.

wow i love this right here great imagry, i like the opening with blue eyes and close with blue eyes.

She talks about how her teeth
are like they were organ grinders,
her big pearly whites have
calcium stains, with the red
wine she drinks every day, her skinny
thin lipped smile is bloody and ugly.
She just wants to be pretty, pretty,
Upbeat and down the street, she's
hanging loose, and having a high
heat, high protien milkshake. If
she can cough up another twenty
she can pay me back, but if not
it's okay.

this stanza i'm not too big a fan of. the first half seems very well. i've neve rheard having a high heat

she hates her voice, sounds like
a bottle wire brush was scrubbing
her clean, clean, and that's what
the nurse said, "clean, clean." Handshakes
and that super fabulous strut,
"Brothers and sisters!" She chortles
on the street, past the Black trumpet
player and the couple having it out in the alley
way, she can clean it up, but I think
she's a slut.

i like the imagry here the flow seems a bit choppy and the jump between bottle wire and nurse and hand shakes doesnt quite click with me.

mm the imagry you really hit on the nose. if annything i could vividly imagine everything. the flow was pretty good but it slowly just seemed to fade. the ryme scheme is non-existent but it's perfectly fine because it seemed you were witting it casually almost like a novel but with a kind of rhythm (flow) that formulated. i really liked the casual witting though still holding poetic idea's in mind. overall i cant say i'm a big fan of the huge stanza's but you were able to create amazing imagery so i wont nag on that, but this was a really amazing piece.
It's not stalking to watch her sleep if she fell asleep watching a movie.
a silly wind
(\__/)
(='.'=) LoNg LivE tHe BunNy!
(")_(")
#20
For OTS, i was pretty impressed, and was actually near your normal high standard, just lacking a lot of your usual percise-ness, which is to be expected. I felt the ending was pretty solid and actually almost made me lol with the last line.

Good stuff matt, and i'll put one up here in a second that you can tear apart, cause i'm not too thrilled with it.
#22
dear TN,

thanks, and though you probably already know, it is from a fabulous book called "House of Leaves". A must read for anyone, and especially if you like that quote.

even more yours,
-BJ