#1
Theses walls will stay the same
With the flames so near away
A battle field with different blades
Flames will die and fade in grace

This damaged castle is my salvation
This rock and stone are my creation
These walls are built to hide sedation
These bricks are false for my foundation

The flames will not react
To Theses walls which have last
through damage and abuse
The flames strength will be refused

And although the flames have fought well
In the end it is the castle which has won
Even though part of the structure fell
The fire regrets what it has done.

And although the fire did ask for more
these walls could not stand up to a war.
Even thought the ground was scorched
Fire is nothing without a source.




c4c, just leave a link
Last edited by thefoundationof at Oct 27, 2007,
#3
Quote by thefoundationof
These walls will stay the same,
With the flames so near away;
The spot where they all lay,
I will see it everyday.

I really like 'near away' because its different, but still makes sense. Never heard it used like that, and I think it adds a nice verboseness to the stanza without actually being verbose. This reads a little to choppy for my taste though. The rhyming almost takes away from the flow, as it seems kind of forced and unnatural. Also, I don't really understand your third line here... it just sticks out, because 'they' doesn't really refer to anything specific, I don't know if you are talking about walls or flames or what here.

You and me, that is my salvation.
This rock and stone are my creation.
This wall is built to hide sedation.
These bricks are false for my foundation.

Third line = my favorite, except that it should be these walls, if you are staying in context with the walls in the first stanza. Also, on your first line, consider changing it to remove the 'that' as it makes it hard to read. maybe something like 'you and me are my salvation' or something (sorry for lame idea, just winging it). I like the vagueness of the last line... and how it has double meanings... good call.

There is no single lie
Hidden to see us die.

Don't really understand this... maybe if you through a 'truth' in the beginning of the second line it will give it more meaning, but not sure if that is what you are going for here.


The flames wont take away
Theses walls which are frayed,
From damage and over use,
These Bricks will stay the same.

Again, this just doesn't have a good flow... It feels choppy, like you need something more to it to make it read better... but that could just be me too.

The only problem with me being king of these lands,
Is that, after all of this, it is still knowledge I lack.
The only problem with you being the queen of my heart,
Is that, even though I know how, I have to take part.

This doesn't really fit with the rest of the piece, in my mind. Up to this point, you've been talking about walls, and now its about something different. I can see where it links to the "you and I" line... but it just kind of kills the angst in the piece for me. As a separate piece in itself though... I don't really like this very much.

2nd line: maybe change it to "I still lack knowledge", as right now, I think it reads strangely... and doesn't make to much sense.

4th line: This generally doesn't make much sense... I just don't understand what this means. Maybe if you through a 'don't' before 'know how' it would make more sense.



I really like this piece as I can relate to the walls topic. I don't like how you jumped between topics at the end though, as I feel this takes some of the meaning out of your piece... it starts to spread the focus, instead of being about a certain topic, and when you start spreading your topic around, its loses its precision and it just doesn't have the same meaning behind it.

It is still kind of choppy... I don't really know what to recommend, but I just felt like it didn't read very well... maybe because of the inconsistent rhyming throughout the piece.

c4c in sig (bumper sticker politics or untitled please)

peace and coconuts,

-ZC
#5
Quote by thefoundationof

Theses walls will stay the same
With the flames so near away
The spot where it takes place,
Flames will die and fade in grace
i don't like the third line. i'm not really sure why, it just doesn't really give me the right imagery i think. does that make sense?

You and I are my salvation
This rock and stone are my creation
These walls are built to hide sedation
These bricks are false for my foundation
i agree about the third line here, it's my favorite of the whole piece. the first line kind of stands out for me as something that doesnt belong. its the only place you refer to a relationship at all. or yourself. it seems kind of unrelated to me.

The flames wont take away
Theses walls which have been frayed
From damage and over use
The flames strength will be refused
what is it about the third lines of your stanzas?? i have something to say about all of them! this one doesn't really flow well. i think there's too many syllables. maybe change 'over use' to abuse?? just an idea...and the image of frayed walls doesnt really make sense to me. it looks like you just used that because it rhymed. not a good reason, if you ask me.

As the wind begins to die in speed
The flames begin to lose their lead.
same thing here, the rhyming seems too forced

Though the ground has been scorched,
Fire is nothing without a source.
i like the last line, but this rhyme seems forced too.


c4c, just leave a link



overall, not a bad song. just watch the rhyming. its really easy to sound forced and artificial with such a strict rhyming scheme. i would either make sure that every rhyme you're making is new and interesting and really works, or abandon the rhyming altogether.

oh yea, and thanks for the crit on my piece!
#7
Quote by thefoundationof
Theses walls will stay the same
With the flames so near away
The spot where it takes place,
Flames will die and fade in grace

youve caught my attention with this stanza so thats definitely good. with the flames so near away is interest. The only thing i dont like about this stanza is the rhyme place and grace. If you touch on how flames can fade in grace in the rest of the poem /song than thats fine but otherwise its just forced.

You and I are my salvation
This rock and stone are my creation
These walls are built to hide sedation
These bricks are false for my foundation

AAAA is pretty lame in my opinion. The content i think is good but the rhyme scheme isnt necessary and is quite boring. Maybe try to keep the same idea but using a different approach

The flames wont take away
Theses walls which have been frayed
From damage and over use
The flames strength will be refused

to me right now it seems that the rhyming is taking away from the piece. you using words just because they rhyme.

As the wind begins to die in speed
The flames begin to lose their lead.

Though the ground has been scorched,
Fire is nothing without a source.



c4c, just leave a link


Im not saying i didnt like the piece i read it to the end so thats good but i think adding the boring rhyme scheme definitely hurts the piece. Consider re-working it

C4C? https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=699024

-Mike
#9
Theses walls will stay the same
With the flames so near away
A battle field without blades
Flames will die and fade in grace

-- A GREAT OPENING. REALLY CAUGHT MY ATTENTION, GOOD TOPIC, IT'S IN THE NEWS, EVERYONE ON THE WEST COAST AT LEAST CAN SYMPATHIZE. IT'S WEIRD THOUGH, IT DOESN'T SEEM TO HAVE THAT ABAB RHYME SCHEME, BUT THE WORDS ARE SO CLOSE, I MEAN THEY SOUND ALMOST THE SAME BUT NOT TOTALLY. SO I'M NOT SURE IF YOU'RE TRYING TO RHYME OR NOT AND WHERE YOU'RE TRYING TO RHYME. BUT LIKE I SAID, REAL STRONG OPENING. I MIGHT CHANGE IT IT JUST A BIT THOSE LAST TWO LINES TO READ: "IN BATTLE FIELDS WITHOUT THE USUAL BLADES/FLAMES WILL DIE AND FADE FROM GRACE" JUST CAUSE IT WILL ADD MORE TO THE ALLURE OF THE TREES DOING ALL THE BURNING, AND WITH THE TREES, THE "BLADES" OF GRASS AND LEAVES ETC. MIGHT CREATE A LITTLE MORE IMAGERY, BUT IT OVER THE TOP. JUST A THOUGHT THOUGH.

This damaged castle is my salvation
This rock and stone are my creation
These walls are built to hide sedation
These bricks are false for my foundation

--FOR SURE LIKE WHAT THE IDEA IS ABOUT IN THIS STANZA, I JUST THINK THAT THE AAAA RHYME JUST KILLS EVERYTHING.

The flames will not react
To Theses walls which have been cracked
From damage and abuse
The flames strength will be refused

--FIRST REAL SIGN OF A FORCED RYHME FROM L1/L2. I RATHER LIKE THE FIRST LINE, SO IT'S THE SECOND LINE I CONCENTRATE ON TO TAKE A NEW RHYME ANGLE. ANOTHER GOOD TOPIC MAN, I'M LIKING IT.

And although the flames have fought well
In the end it is the castle which has won
Even though part of the castle fell
The fire regrets what it has done.

--SWEET STANZA, IT'S REALLY GOOD. WOULD MAKE A FANTASTIC FINISH TO THE PIECE. BRINGING IN A "FEELING" BEING FELT BY A NATURAL DISASTER IS BRILLIANT.

And although the fire did ask for more
these walls could not stand up to a war.
Even thought the ground was scorched
Fire is nothing without a source.

--AS IT TURNS OUT, I THINK YOU HAVE TWO GREAT ENDING HERE. LOL. THIS ONE CERTAINLY DOES THE TRICK AS WELL. I'M NOT SURE I USE THE "WAR" IN THIS STANZA, IF ONLY CAUSE I THINK IT WILL BRING TO MIND IN THE READER SOMETHING THAT IS NOT AT ALL RELATED TO THE PIECE. I THINK YOU WERE GOING FOR THE WHOLE "BATTLE WAS LOST BUT THE WAR WAS WON" KINDA THING, I JUST THINK THAT PEOPLE MIGHT THINK OTHERWISE BASED ON WHAT'S HAPPENING IN THE WORLD.

Overall, this is a superb topic. I like in Washington, and it's all over out news as Washington firefighters are being sent down to Cali to help fight the blazes. And since people are losing their homes, it brings a whole "Band together" feeling. So props.

C4C, I could sure use some imput: https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=697671
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