#1
This is my first go at songwriting in almost a year so go to town on it

Crit for crit of course

The River (tentatively titled)

(Verse 1)
I wake up early morning
Alarm pulls me from my sleep
I walk out of the front door
And I pass onto the street

The streetlights all are on
‘Cause the sun is not yet up
I bend and tie my shoelaces
And I begin to run

(Chorus 1)
Down to the river
Do-wn to you
Down to the river and
There I’ll wait for you

(Verse 2)
I see you’re smiling face
Where the water meets the land
I reach out and touch your face
And take you by the hand

There are ripples on the water
As I look into your eyes
I know I have never felt this way…
As best I can surmise

(Chorus 2)
I’m here at the river
I’m he-re with you
We’re here at the river
There’s only me and you

(Bridge)
Seasons have come
And seasons have passed
While we’re here a-ll alone
Days and weeks and hours and months
They seem to rush on by
Before we come on home
And I hold your hand
And I touch your face
And I’ve never known beauty
Like the beauty in this place

(Outro)
We’re here at the river
As the sunlight breaks the mould
He-re at the river…
Until the mag-ic’s old
Winners are those who refuse to be beaten

Imagination on a Screen

Please crit my latest work! Crit for crit of course.

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#2
Quote by Pete Murray#1


(Verse 1)
I wake up early morning
Alarm pulls me from my sleep
I walk out of the front door
And I pass onto the street

The streetlights all are on
‘Cause the sun is not yet up
I bend and tie my shoelaces
And I begin to run

Good internal rhyming... and overall pretty decent. It gets the point across and isn't too complex... which is always a bonus in my book. I dunno... there isn't much here to crit... nothing is terrible... but nothing is outstanding either... it just kind of is.

(Chorus 1)
Down to the river
Do-wn to you
Down to the river and
There I’ll wait for you

I don't like the repetition of 'you', but I always hate rhyming a word with itself... it feels like a cheap way out. Again, this just isn't outstanding or original, but its not bad either. It just feels like I've heard this song a million times before, because the topic is so well covered and you aren't really using anything new and exciting to express things that have been covered before.

(Verse 2)
I see you’re smiling face
Where the water meets the land
I reach out and touch your face
And take you by the hand

There are ripples on the water
As I look into your eyes
I know I have never felt this way…
As best I can surmise

I dunno why, but I really like the first part of verse 2. It just flows well, and for some reason i just like the way it sounds... so kudos. This whole verse is good. There's not much to suggest... the rhyming works well and the flow is good...

(Chorus 2)
I’m here at the river
I’m he-re with you
We’re here at the river
There’s only me and you

Same as before... its cliche, but still not bad.

(Bridge)
Seasons have come
And seasons have passed
While we’re here a-ll alone
Days and weeks and hours and months
They seem to rush on by
Before we come on home
And I hold your hand
And I touch your face
And I’ve never known beauty
Like the beauty in this place

Punctuate... it would make it much easier to read this in the flow you want. However, this is probably the strongest part of the piece. There are a lot of cliches though, and honestly the imagery isn't very strong either. I mean... I get that there are two people, beside a river who like each other and they are touching... but I just get the feeling you could have done much more with imagery, and it could have made this piece outstanding, instead of the ho-hum-ish song it is.

(Outro)
We’re here at the river
As the sunlight breaks the mold
He-re at the river…
Until the mag-ic’s old

take the 'u' out of mold, as far as spelling. good closure... finally broke out of cliche lines with the very last one. Not completely sure what the second line means... but its not like that kills the piece, so leave it if you want.



Well, overall it wasn't bad. It was just a bit cliche. Honestly, if you put some music behind this (I was thinking either some clean or acoustic strumming, with whisper-style vocals) and released it to the radio, it would probably be played every 5 minutes. However, from a strictly lyrical standpoint, this isn't a standout piece. Forgive me for being harsh, but it just feels like most "Wanna be with you" songs written since the mid 80's. There aren't too many clever comparisons, and it just lacks something new and exciting to make me really want to know more and read it again and again.

Hope this helps.

c4c in sig (please tear mine apart too, you owe me one ~_^)

peace and coconuts,

-ZC