#1
Corporate Ladders and Subsequent Fortunes: An Excerpt Into the Life of Hope

I don’t know his name, he’s the type of person that doesn’t give out his name or doesn’t remember it, but for some reason I always called him Hope. Hope was a poor man that lived in the highest class dumpster in downtown Norfolk. He has long hair, and a big bushy beard. He always wore the same jeans with holes at the knees and a white shirt which had stains of yellow in the armpits.

His high class dumpster sat on the north side of The Max Fitness Center and if you came Monday through Thursday you’d see him doing his five hundred reps on his speed bag he found curiously located in his home. If you were lucky you might hear him shout, “You like that Barry? That’s right Barry, I own you Barry,” seemingly shouting at no one. It was only by chance that I happen to know who Barry was. As I walked up the wooden stairs into The Max one day I hear “Barry says that the next step is a little weak.” A half second later I was leg deep in stairs. “Who’s Barry?” He pointed at his bag and I walked in puzzled.

Hope was without a doubt an interesting character. Each day he would walk four miles (uphill both ways according to him) to the local demoralizing work section that boasted signs such as No sleeping in ANY of the closets as if that were a regular problem there, only to be denied daily. “It gives me something to say if I’m asked about my steady job,” he told me one day. I’ve always wondered if he meant the walk.

While Hope was a peculiar fellow, he was always nice to have around. Each day, Monday through Thursday, he would say “Hello there George,” even though George is not my name it was still comforting that he took the time to say hello. Occasionally he would come inside and challenge anyone in the building to last three rounds in the ring with him and most only lasted one. I’d like to say that when Hope got into the ring he shined, but he didn’t. Although his jabs were always accurate, and a little too much to stay standing after, the random shouts of “Barry taught me this one!” or “Barry would be proud!” were rather distracting. Needless to say, I never saw Hope lose, and I would never step into the ring with him.

It’s hard to think that it was only two months ago when the best boxing trainer in the state walked up to Hope and said, “Do you know who I am?” “I don’t know, I don’t care to know, and I’d appreciate it if you didn’t tell me.” “What your name boy?” “Legally I have no name.” “Well what do you call yourself?” “The very reason for living, you can call me that.” I think every man’s jaw in that building dropped as we watched Hope run out of the building yelling back “I got to get to work!”

The next day I came to The Max a little earlier than usual, “Why’d you do that yesterday? You could have money, a house, food” I looked at the newspaper he was reading Corporate Ladders and Subsequent Fortunes was the headline for the day and I saw in the top right corner September 14th, a week old. “They’ve been watching their newspaper stands a little closer, it’s really quite easy though, two nuts on the top and two on the bottom. Voila! I have reading material.” “Why’d you leave yesterday?” “Do you think I could ever afford such a pretentious title? I am who I am and I’ve accepted that.” “Don’t you want more, don’t you want a life? Kids maybe or hell even a double cheeseburger from burger king.” “If you don’t want anything you’re never disappointed, that’s something everyone learns eventually.”

As I walked out that day I see him talking to a group of kids, “Few years ago Pa went to ‘nam, or the local hotel, either way me and my ma were all alone. I dropped out, had to feed her, few months later she died.” “Shut up faggot go crawl into your dumpster!” I heard one of the high school kids say, probably just hoping to look cool in front of his friends. I felt bad to say the least.

Thinking back now I wish I had talked to him more than I had. I guess I never really thought much of what he said because I thought he was a little crazy. Now, it just seems that I was a little ignorant. I guess it all really comes down to that one day that he finally made a choice. I still don’t know the question but I assume it was something like: How could I? Should I? Life or Death? Money?

I drove up to the Max Fitness Center to say goodbye to Hope before I left Norfolk for good. As I pulled up to the dumpster I look in to see cardboard boxes, bags of chips, and pop bottles, but no Hope. I sighed, figuring maybe I’ll see him some day, maybe on television even. As I drive through the construction on the edge of town I see Hope within the flicker of a roadside flare. I pulled over and walked up to him and he looked into my eyes and things came to focus; His life, his choice, his future. I watched him look back into Norfolk, maybe thinking about the max fitness center or how many times he slept in that same closet, and then I watched Him look down Highway 81.

As I drove away that day I saw Hope begin to fade, from himself, from others, from memories, and from my rear view mirror. I knew he chose, and even through that creeping burning desire to reassure ourselves of things we already know, I knew he would never regret his choice.

I’m sitting on my couch now writing this. I can hear an announcer from ESPN in the background, “20 and o since his arrival just a month ago I am proud to present” I grab the remote and switch off the TV. I don’t care to know his name, I always just called him Hope, and I think its rather fitting.


school assignment, thank you to whoever read all the way through. Any crits would be very helpful and if anyone likes it enough to proofread it that would be greatly appreciated!

_Mike_
Last edited by TrigFunction at Oct 25, 2007,
#2
Its a great story.

I'd change the last paragraph from present to past tense personally, but I don't think its nesacary.

And I'm pretty sure...

Hope was without a doubt an interesting character

Should be typed

Hope was ,without a doubt, an interesting character.
#3
content was fantastic. the "uphill both ways according to him" thing sounded way too forced.

maybe ill comment/crit more later

goood stuff
Anatomy Anatomy
Whale Blue Review

Park that car
Drop that phone
Sleep on the floor
Dream about me
#6
holy ****.. this is a big mother ****er.. i'll hav eto get to it l8r gimme a sec
It's not stalking to watch her sleep if she fell asleep watching a movie.
a silly wind
(\__/)
(='.'=) LoNg LivE tHe BunNy!
(")_(")
#8
Quote by TrigFunction
Corporate Ladders and Subsequent Fortunes: An Excerpt Into the Life of Hope

I don’t know his name, he’s the type of person that doesn’t give out his name or doesn’t remember it, but for some reason I always called him Hope. Hope was a poor man that lived in the highest class dumpster in downtown Norfolk. He has long hair, and a big bushy beard. He always wore the same jeans with holes at the knees and a white shirt which had stains of yellow in the armpits. I like the way you set the scene for a starting paragraph but I felt that your description of Hope wasn't as good as it could have been. Especially the physical one. It seemed very set out. Oh and stains of yellow sounded a bit off.

His high class dumpster sat on the north side of The Max Fitness Center and if you came Monday through Thursday you’d see him doing his five hundred reps on his speed bag he found curiously located in his home.I disliked this line quite a bit. It just sounded out of place. Located and curiously sounded too wordy for the context they are used in. Placed or found are better choices imho. If you were lucky you might hear him shout, “You like that Barry? That’s right Barry, I own you Barry,” seemingly shouting at no one. It was only by chance that I happen to know who Barry was. As I walked up the wooden stairs into The Max one day I hear “Barry says that the next step is a little weak.” A half second later I was leg deep in stairs. “Who’s Barry?” He pointed at his bag and I walked in puzzled. up to here was good. It kept my interest well and "I walked in puzzled" made me chuckle. I could almost see the character's face like this . Good work so far, I'm really nit picking.

Hope was without a doubt an interesting character. Each day he would walk four miles (uphill both ways according to him) I agree with Jimito the local demoralizing work section that boasted signsnot my favourite word choice such as No sleeping in ANY of the closets as if that were a regular problem there, only to be denied daily. “It gives me something to say if I’m asked about my steady job,” he told me one day. I’ve always wondered if he meant the walk.rest is good

While Hope was a peculiar fellowthis feels a bit over-used by now. I'm not saying that you are using the same expression every time but the whole of his persona is peculiar, there is no need to remind it so often., he was always nice to have around. Each day, Monday through Thursday, he would say “Hello there George,” even though George is not my name it was still comforting that he took the time to say hello. Occasionally he would come inside and challenge anyone in the building to last three rounds in the ring with him and most only lasted one. I’d like to say that when Hope got into the ring he shined, but he didn’t. Although his jabs were always accurate, and a little too much to stay standing after, the random shouts of “Barry taught me this one!” or “Barry would be proud!” were rather distracting. Needless to say, I never saw Hope lose, and I would never step into the ring with him.nothing wrong here, but nothing attention grabbing either

It’s hard to think that it was only two months ago when the best boxing trainer in the state walked up to Hope and said, “Do you know who I am?” “I don’t know, I don’t care to know, and I’d appreciate it if you didn’t tell me.” “What your name boy?” “Legally I have no name.” “Well what do you call yourself?” “The very reason for living, you can call me that.” I think every man’s jaw in that building dropped as we watched Hope run out of the building yelling back “I got to get to work!” this was great, I love how you have done the dialogues. It's all good here. I loved this paragraph. My favourite so far.

The next day I came to The Max a little earlier than usual, “Why’d you do that yesterday? You could have money, a house, food” I looked at the newspaper he was reading Corporate Ladders and Subsequent Fortunes was the headline for the day and I saw in the top right corner September 14th, a week old. “They’ve been watching their newspaper stands a little closer, it’s really quite easy though, two nuts on the top and two on the bottom. Voila! I have reading material.” “Why’d you leave yesterday?” “Do you think I could ever afford such a pretentious title? I am who I am and I’ve accepted that.” “Don’t you want more, don’t you want a life? Kids maybe or hell even a double cheeseburger from burger king.” “If you don’t want anything you’re never disappointed, that’s something everyone learns eventually.”
A bit of a let down, the bolded sections are ones I felt need improving/rethinking , this whole part really. It is good, but a bit jumbled. The dialogue is alright though.

As I walked out that day I see him talking to a group of kids, “Few years ago Pa went to ‘nam, or the local hotel, either way me and my ma were all alone. I dropped out, had to feed her, few months later she died.” “Shut up faggot go crawl into your dumpster!” I heard one of the high school kids say, probably just hoping to look cool in front of his friends. I felt bad to say the least. hrmm, not sure about this. I have mixed feelings. On one hand, it talk more about the narrator, shows more about his character, but on the other hand it feels a bit stereotypical "poor guy gets bashed I wonder how I feel" trail of though.

Thinking back now I wish I had talked to him more than I had. I guess I never really thought much of what he said because I thought he was a little crazy. Now, it just seems that I was a little ignorant. I guess it all really comes down to that one day that he finally made a choice. I still don’t know the question but I assume it was something like: How could I? Should I? Life or Death? Money?
I like the way you set up the ending with this one here. Good job, it also shows more of the narrator, and whilst you don't really go into him in detail, you give us a great image of his personality. This(the story) is very solid in this aspect.

I drove up to the Max Fitness Center to say goodbye to Hope before I left Norfolk for good. As I pulled up to the dumpster I look in to see cardboard boxes, bags of chips, and pop bottles, but no Hope. I sighed, figuring maybe I’ll see him some day, maybe on television even. As I drive through the construction on the edge of town I see Hope within the flicker of a roadside flare. I pulled over and walked up to him and he looked into my eyes and things came to focus; His life, his choice, his future. I watched him look back into Norfolk, maybe thinking about the max fitness center or how many times he slept in that same closet, and then I watched Him look down Highway 81.
I felt: "his life, his choice, his future" was a bit cliché. It sounded a bit odd as well. I mean, yeah it fit in, but if felt maybe a bit too sentimental for the overall tone of the piece.

As I drove away that day I saw Hope begin to fade, from himself, from others, from memories, and from my rear view mirror. I knew he chose, and even through that creeping burning desire to reassure ourselves of things we already know, I knew he would never regret his choice. That bolded line was my favourite line in the piece. It was great.

I’m sitting on my couch now writing this. I can hear an announcer from ESPN in the background, “20 and o since his arrival just a month ago I am proud to present” I grab the remote and switch off the TV. I don’t care to know his name, I always just called him Hope, and I think its rather fitting.

The ending is good. It's solid, to the point and slightly witty. I feel there is a bit of a moral behind this. It's almost a fable. I really liked that.


school assignment, thank you to whoever read all the way through. Any crits would be very helpful and if anyone likes it enough to proofread it that would be greatly appreciated!

_Mike_


I'd generally include a little paragraph on my general thoughts, but all I have to say is that, I'm nitpicking and that I'm sorry this is so late. Really, I feel guilty because I was going to do this and kept putting it off and now that I have done it, it was quite a rewarding experience.


Kyrl.
#9
I don’t know his name, he’s the type of person that doesn’t give out his name or doesn’t remember it, but for some reason I always called him Hope. Hope was a poor man that lived in the highest class dumpster in downtown Norfolk. He has long hair, and a big bushy beard. He always wore the same jeans with holes at the knees and a white shirt which had stains of yellow in the armpits.

Very good start i love the descriptions. good starting paragraph great hook, it's mysterious.

His high class dumpster sat on the north side of The Max Fitness Center and if you came Monday through Thursday you’d see him doing his five hundred reps on his speed bag he found curiously located in his home. If you were lucky you might hear him shout, “You like that Barry? That’s right Barry, I own you Barry,” seemingly shouting at no one. It was only by chance that I happen to know who Barry was. As I walked up the wooden stairs into The Max one day I hear “Barry says that the next step is a little weak.” A half second later I was leg deep in stairs. “Who’s Barry?” He pointed at his bag and I walked in puzzled.

this is pretty good. i thought you could explain the Max Fitness center better i didnt really see anything. i like the part where where he's yelling at the bag very strange. like he's crazy? whats up with this guy? great way to keep your audience

Hope was without a doubt an interesting character. Each day he would walk four miles (uphill both ways according to him) to the local demoralizing work section that boasted signs such as No sleeping in ANY of the closets as if that were a regular problem there, only to be denied daily. “It gives me something to say if I’m asked about my steady job,” he told me one day. I’ve always wondered if he meant the walk.

this is a bit strange. how does this add to the story, we just find out another aspect of his life but we dont learn anything? i thgouth you could do without this

While Hope was a peculiar fellow, he was always nice to have around. Each day, Monday through Thursday, he would say “Hello there George,” even though George is not my name it was still comforting that he took the time to say hello. Occasionally he would come inside and challenge anyone in the building to last three rounds in the ring with him and most only lasted one. I’d like to say that when Hope got into the ring he shined, but he didn’t. Although his jabs were always accurate, and a little too much to stay standing after, the random shouts of “Barry taught me this one!” or “Barry would be proud!” were rather distracting. Needless to say, I never saw Hope lose, and I would never step into the ring with him.

wow i like this we really find something out about Hope's character. it's jsut so strange. this is a cool

It’s hard to think that it was only two months ago when the best boxing trainer in the state walked up to Hope and said, “Do you know who I am?” “I don’t know, I don’t care to know, and I’d appreciate it if you didn’t tell me.” “What your name boy?” “Legally I have no name.” “Well what do you call yourself?” “The very reason for living, you can call me that.” I think every man’s jaw in that building dropped as we watched Hope run out of the building yelling back “I got to get to work!”

hahah this is just funny.. i think this is a great paragraph. i mean this is really shows something in his personality and morals, i mean.. this is just great! we learn a little more about him, though he is a strange character something must drive him to box that well but he turns down the best trainer in the state

The next day I came to The Max a little earlier than usual, “Why’d you do that yesterday? You could have money, a house, food” I looked at the newspaper he was reading Corporate Ladders and Subsequent Fortunes was the headline for the day and I saw in the top right corner September 14th, a week old. “They’ve been watching their newspaper stands a little closer, it’s really quite easy though, two nuts on the top and two on the bottom. Voila! I have reading material.” “Why’d you leave yesterday?” “Do you think I could ever afford such a pretentious title? I am who I am and I’ve accepted that.” “Don’t you want more, don’t you want a life? Kids maybe or hell even a double cheeseburger from burger king.” “If you don’t want anything you’re never disappointed, that’s something everyone learns eventually.”

mm. very intresting so far it hink this is great in every paragraph you learn just a litlte about Hope. like why is he reading Corporate ladders and subsequent fotunes.... he doesnt seem teh brightest light bulb yet he read some intellectual paper. and he says he has reading material, like he reads often.

As I walked out that day I see him talking to a group of kids, “Few years ago Pa went to ‘nam, or the local hotel, either way me and my ma were all alone. I dropped out, had to feed her, few months later she died.” “Shut up faggot go crawl into your dumpster!” I heard one of the high school kids say, probably just hoping to look cool in front of his friends. I felt bad to say the least.

that seem very strange. i mean i'm sure hope could have kicked the crap out of whoever said that but why didnt he? he could have torn him into two yet he didnt. another very interesting thing about him, he's a strange bum, to say the least, yet he reads intellectual newspapers, and is probably one of the better boxer's or could be one of the best, yet when sum kids calls him a faggot he doesnt retaliate why?

Thinking back now I wish I had talked to him more than I had. I guess I never really thought much of what he said because I thought he was a little crazy. Now, it just seems that I was a little ignorant. I guess it all really comes down to that one day that he finally made a choice. I still don’t know the question but I assume it was something like: How could I? Should I? Life or Death? Money?

i though this was great, after introducing him you show how he related to your life, providing a little moral substance to the story.

I drove up to the Max Fitness Center to say goodbye to Hope before I left Norfolk for good. As I pulled up to the dumpster I look in to see cardboard boxes, bags of chips, and pop bottles, but no Hope. I sighed, figuring maybe I’ll see him some day, maybe on television even. As I drive through the construction on the edge of town I see Hope within the flicker of a roadside flare. I pulled over and walked up to him and he looked into my eyes and things came to focus; His life, his choice, his future. I watched him look back into Norfolk, maybe thinking about the max fitness center or how many times he slept in that same closet, and then I watched Him look down Highway 81.

very interesting conclusion it's starting to wind down. pretty good

As I drove away that day I saw Hope begin to fade, from himself, from others, from memories, and from my rear view mirror. I knew he chose, and even through that creeping burning desire to reassure ourselves of things we already know, I knew he would never regret his choice.

this is very cool i mean this guy is a total bum to society standards yet he seems more happy then most people with out regret either.

I’m sitting on my couch now writing this. I can hear an announcer from ESPN in the background, “20 and o since his arrival just a month ago I am proud to present” I grab the remote and switch off the TV. I don’t care to know his name, I always just
called him Hope, and I think its rather fitting.

this is great i mean you still remember him, gives a reason why your telling the story. i guess you could do without describing the room because it seems the paragraph could do without it.

overall i thought this was GREAT, it's a really cool analysis of Hope of a character you think is insane. but with each paragraph you learn a little about him and a little about yourself and what things mean to you . ididnt check for grammer because it think it's tedious and i dont like grammer lol . but i checked for content.
It's not stalking to watch her sleep if she fell asleep watching a movie.
a silly wind
(\__/)
(='.'=) LoNg LivE tHe BunNy!
(")_(")
#10
sorry it took so long by the way to C4C
It's not stalking to watch her sleep if she fell asleep watching a movie.
a silly wind
(\__/)
(='.'=) LoNg LivE tHe BunNy!
(")_(")
#11
Very good. I like to think of Hope portraying a concept as well, or a moral, as well as a character. Kind of like..."Don't give up" type of thing.. Tell us the mark you receive on it when you're done.

Mark