#1
orange for an orange eye for and eye
e for an e a for an a
crit for a crit and we're all ok?


to cook like glue


Plane ride home from Atlanta,
'I hope you make it back ok.
Ya know those things fly faster than Santa
and the reindeer that pull his sleigh'

Home improvement television shows are blue
I've been stuck on the travel channel,
for more than a week or two

Hearing your heart breathe, beneath the sheets,
trust me I got enough shut eye
Hold your hand, beneath the sand,
I think I could just smile and cry

My backyard's a beach
but just for the week
so make it last dear,
Cause I'll be in debt for the next three years.


You can never fucking trust Canada when Canada decides to report on world news that doesn't concern Canada. Canada is only in it for Canada's sake. Canada doesn't even know Batman.

Fuck Canada
#2
Quote by that soccer kid
Plane ride home from Atlanta,
'I hope you make it back ok.
Ya know those things fly faster than Santa
and the reindeer that pull his sleigh'

I don't like the word "you." I know I sound crazy, but I have my reasons, it would work better if you used a proper noun or a gender specific pronoun. You is very impersonal and direct, and since you're not talking to the reader (us) and you're actually talking about someone, it would sound better and be better if you used, a name, or she/he.

Home improvement television shows are blue
I've been stuck on the travel channel,
for more than a week or two

The first line is awkward, I thought you were talking about the Tim Allen show, where he is a bumbling home repair man with his own popular television show. Re-word that. It's not bad, it should be longer, I think you could go more indepth on the feeling of anxious waiting, because that's what I feel this is about. It's a wonderfully under used idea, but you're really failing to go indepth here with what you've written which is killing the substance.

Hearing your heart breathe, beneath the sheets,
trust me I got enough shut eye
Hold your hand, beneath the sand,
I think I could just smile and cry

The 2nd, 3rd, and 4th lines are painful to read, terrible cliches there, and a very forced rhyme. Bad verse, really bad verse.

My backyard's a beach
but just for the week
so make it last dear,
Cause I'll be in debt for the next three years.

Uhhh, what? You turned your backyard into a beach for this girl, who was just on a plane, to come visit. But you were watching television about home improv-*brain explodes* This is too short to be a story, there isn't enough detail in here and the substance of what you wrote was cut completely short because you failed to go in depth with what you wrote. It didn't do anything for me, the idea is wonderful, you just managed to turn a great idea into a half-assed poem. Shucks for you.


https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=698803
there's mine, thanks in advance.


-matt-
www.facebook.com/longlostcomic