#1
So this morning at 4am I was inspired while standing outside in my boxers walking my dog. This song popped into my head, and I continued making up verses all through my shower, bus ride, and first hour of school. Tell me what you think (crit for crit).

Don't just go "this song is ok" and leave. Give me some suggestions! It's a rather slow song on the acoustic by the way:

It's four in the morning and I think I'm gonna crack
I left the house to walk, I said I'd be right back
Yeah I took my colored drink and went in the streets
You'd think the darkness scared me but I was already creeped

The lampost lit my face, my hands, and my soul
It could've reached my toes had I want to run cold
The twilight in this hour is all I have to hold
It's worth more than money, hell it's worth more than gold

It's the only kinda peace I'll have
It's the only part that doesn't smell bad

My friends give respect but I know I don't deserve
If they knew the kinda man I'll be they'd walk across the road
They'd say that man ain't worth the trouble, ain't worth it half the time
But you know they tell the truth cause majority says it's right

My father tells me he'll always be my friend
But it's hard to believe when the door's closed and never open
They say we boys we bond in different ways
But I'm pretty sure there's nothing wrong with giving a simple hey

It's the only kinda peace I'll have
It's the blood in my heart that's bad
Not my brain or my legs or the black spot in my soul

Life seems so fucking far away when you're living in this home
Darkness has a way of always taking hold
And you're empty and gone from those you call your friends
You think the worse is over but it's only just began

The yelling and the screaming yeah it seems so far away
When it's four in the morning and no one is awake
But you've got to remember the world is not the same
Except under the moon around four AM

Daytona Beach is waking while Melbourne goes to sleep
My buddy in Kaliningrad is savouring afternoon treats
While love bombs keep on dropping on good ole Tel Aviv
And the sun bears down in Baghdad where no one wants to be

EXTENDED VERSION FOR LIVE PERFORMANCE


Beijing is so quiet while the Kremlin howls and roars
Ten AM bustle in Baltimore wakes Toronto
Houston Texas is alive while Vegas goes to sleep
And no one really cares what's gonna happen next week

I'm singing this song for you and you
For the ones who know the truth
That four AM is the time to live, to live life so loose

This song is going on forever so kick and scream
And maybe our guitarist will wake from his dream

Go on! Kick and scream!!

Get off my lawn.
Last edited by HawkaLuigi at Oct 26, 2007,
#2
I don't usually comment on lyrics, but these are really good I really liked the last verse.

The lampost lit my face, my hands, and my soul
It could've reached my toes had I want to run cold
The twilight in this hour is all I have to hold
It's worth more than money, hell it's worth more than gold

I'm not really sure on the 2nd line, don't be offend but is there a typing error that you over looked or something? (I'm always doing that) The rest of that part is great it flows really well, it's just that part that I can't really follow. I understand what you mean, but I don't think it quite fits.

and another idea would be to forget about this parts only for the extended live version add it anyway


I've always understood that crit for crit meant you give someone pointers and they'll do the same, but I've got nothing on here...... I might be changing that some time soon.
#3
Quote by DR_SH
I don't usually comment on lyrics, but these are really good I really liked the last verse.

The lampost lit my face, my hands, and my soul
It could've reached my toes had I want to run cold
The twilight in this hour is all I have to hold
It's worth more than money, hell it's worth more than gold

I'm not really sure on the 2nd line, don't be offend but is there a typing error that you over looked or something? (I'm always doing that) The rest of that part is great it flows really well, it's just that part that I can't really follow. I understand what you mean, but I don't think it quite fits.

and another idea would be to forget about this parts only for the extended live version add it anyway


I've always understood that crit for crit meant you give someone pointers and they'll do the same, but I've got nothing on here...... I might be changing that some time soon.


Well, the entire song is real life. Everything has happened or does happen in my life, and when I was writing that 2nd line, I looked down in the dark and saw that my shoes weren't in the light of the lamp post, but the rest of my body was. After looking later, I noticed it didn't seem right, but I didn't know what else to put.

I was thinking about adding the extended live to my original recording, but it would be somewhere near 6 minutes.

Thank you for the crit, it was much appreciated!

Get off my lawn.
#4
It's four in the morning and I think I'm gonna crack
I left the house to walk, I said I'd be right back
Yeah I took my colored drink and went in the streets
You'd think the darkness scared me but I was already creeped

--PRETTY GOOD INTRO, IT'S CAPTIVATING, MADE ME WANT TO KEEP READING. JUST FEW SUGGESTIONS: I'D CORRECT THE 2ND LIKE TO READ "WITH MY COLORED DRINK IN HAND I TOOK TO THE STREETS" IF ONLY CAUSE IT'S A MORE BRIGHT WAY OF SAYING SOMETHING THAT HAD BEEN SAID QUITE OFTEN. NOT SURE HOW TO SHORTEN THE LAST LINE, BUT IT SEEMS TO BE A LITTLE WORD HEAVY AND DOESN'T HAVE THE SAME FLOW AS THE FIRST 3 LINES.

The lampost lit my face, my hands, and my soul
It could've reached my toes had I want to run cold
The twilight in this hour is all I have to hold
It's worth more than money, hell it's worth more than gold

--I THINK THAT L2 IS A FORCED RHYME, BUT I LIKE THE IMAGERY AND HOPE YOU CAN FIND A MORE NATURAL WAY TO FIT IN THE RHYME. AGAIN, I THINK THE LAST LINE RUNS A BIT LONG, BUT YOU CAN PROBABLY FIX THAT WITH HOW IT'S BEING SUNG.

It's the only kinda peace I'll have
It's the only part that doesn't smell bad

--DON'T LIKE THIS PART AT ALL, AND AS A SORTA "FILLER" I THINK IT CAN BE DELETED ALL TOGETHER.

My friends give respect but I know I don't deserve
If they knew the kinda man I'll be they'd walk across the road
They'd say that man ain't worth the trouble, ain't worth it half the time
But you know they tell the truth cause majority says it's right

--WHAT HAPPENED TO THE RHYME SCHEME? VERY INTERESTING THAT YOU DECIDED TO CHANGE THE STRUCTURE RIGHT IN THE MIDDLE OF THE PIECE. BUT IT'S GOOD, I LIKE IT.

My father tells me he'll always be my friend
But it's hard to believe when the door's closed and never open
They say we boys we bond in different ways
But I'm pretty sure there's nothing wrong with giving a simple hey

--"DOOR'S CLOSED AND NEVER OPEN" ISN'T THAT JUST SAYING THE SAME THING TWICE? AND THE RYHME SCHEME APPEARS AGAIN HERE. NOW I'M CONFUSED ON WHAT YOU'RE TRYING TO DO ....

It's the only kinda peace I'll have
It's the blood in my heart that's bad
Not my brain or my legs or the black spot in my soul

--AGAIN? HUH? THIS PART JUST STICKS OUT. THE REST IS SO IN DEPTH, FULL OF IMARERY AND WONDERFUL WRITING, THEN YOU DUMB IT DOWN? WHY?

Life seems so ****ing far away when you're living in this home
Darkness has a way of always taking hold
And you're empty and gone from those you call your friends
You think the worse is over but it's only just began

--PRETTY GOOD STANZA. I LIKE IT.

The yelling and the screaming yeah it seems so far away
When it's four in the morning and no one is awake
But you've got to remember the world is not the same
Except under the moon around four AM

--WOW, REALLY LIKE THIS ONE. THINK THIS IS BY FAR THE BEST STANZA SO FAR. VERY GOOD.

Daytona Beach is waking while Melbourne goes to sleep
My buddy in Kaliningrad is savouring afternoon treats
While love bombs keep on dropping on good ole Tel Aviv
And the sun bears down in Baghdad where no one wants to be

GREAT ENDING, AGAIN, I THINK THE LAST 1/3 OF THE PIECE IS FAR BETTER THAN THE FIRST 2/3. IT'S ALMOST LIKE IT WAS TWO DIFFERENT PIECES THAT WERE STUCK TOGETHER JUST TO MAKE IT THE KIND OF LENGTH YOU HAD IN MIND FOR ONE PIECE. NOT SURE, BUT IT JUST DOESN'T FLOW FOR ME ...

Can you take a look at mine, it's in need of some crits.
https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=697671
LISTEN:
A Myspace introduction to:

LEARN:
It's not always rainbows and butterflies,
It's compromise that moves us along. -- Maroon 5
#5
Does this help?

It's four in the morning and I think I'm gonna crack
I left the house to walk, I said I'd be right back
Yeah I took my two fingered drink into the streets
You'd think the darkness scared me but I was already creeped

The lampost lit my face, my hands, my soul
and i realized I am not my father's mold
This realization is all I have to hold
It's worth more than money, hell it's worth more than gold

It's the only kinda peace I'll have
It's the only part thats not my dad

My friends give respect that I don't deserve
But all there words are hollow
like the dog you try to make go back
no matter what i say they follow

My father tells me he'll always be my friend
But it's hard to believe when the door's closed and never open
They say we boys we bond in different ways
But I'm pretty sure there's nothing wrong with giving a simple hey

It's the only kinda peace I'll have
It's the blood in my heart that's bad
Not my brain or my legs or the black spot in my soul

Life seems so ****ing far away when you're living in this home
Darkness has a way of always taking hold
And you're empty and gone from those you call your friends
You think the worse is over but it's only just began

The yelling and the screaming yeah it seems so far away
When it's four in the morning and no one is awake
But you've got to remember the world is not the same
Except under the moon around four AM

Daytona Beach is waking while Melbourne goes to sleep
My buddy in Kaliningrad is savouring afternoon treats
While love bombs keep on dropping on good ole Tel Aviv
And the sun bears down in Baghdad where no one wants to be

EXTENDED VERSION FOR LIVE PERFORMANCE

Beijing is so quiet while the Kremlin howls and roars
Ten AM bustle in Baltimore wakes Toronto
Houston Texas is alive while Vegas goes to sleep
And no one really cares what's gonna happen next week

I'm singing this song for you and you
For the ones who know the truth
That four AM is the time to live, to live life so loose

This song is going on forever so kick and scream
And maybe our guitarist will wake from his dream

Go on! Kick and scream!!
#6
I like what you did with a few of the lines, but in the beginning of the song where you speak of my father..the song isn't about him. Each stanza represents a different part that I'm trying to bring out.

I do think something different then the toes line should be there, but nothing to do with my father. He's already mentioned.
Get off my lawn.