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#1
okay, this is like every other rating thread, except this time, post a joke and the next person to post will rate your joke out of 10 and then post a joke themselves
(if easily offended by offensive/racist jokes, leave this thread, its not the place for you)

i'll start
whats the similarity between Madeline McCann and all the jokes about her??
they've both been done to death

Quote by DieGarbageMan
When having sex i realise my penis is of small nature.


Quote by gavz_verdikt
There is a box below Private Messages and right of Log Out.
I think the TS will know what to do next

#4
What's the difference between Neil Armstrong and Michael Jackson?
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Neil Armstrong was the first man on the moon...

...Michael Jackson f*cks kids...
#5
1

how can you fit 1000 dead babies in a phone booth

a wood chipper
fender strat
fender acoustic
line6 spider 2 150 watt
...
can of, rock your face off

..................you cant spell crap without rap.......................
#6
-10

Why couldn't Hellen Keller drive???


Because she was a woman
#7
Look at my profile.

Oh sod it I'll post it.


Purely in the interests of science, I have replaced the word "wand" with "wang" in the first Harry Potter Book
Let's see the results...


"Why aren't you supposed to do magic?" asked Harry.
"Oh, well -- I was at Hogwarts meself but I -- er -- got expelled, ter tell yeh the truth. In me third year. They snapped me wang in half an' everything


A magic wang... this was what Harry had been really looking forward to.


"Yes, yes. I thought I'd be seeing you soon. Harry Potter." It wasn't a question. "You have your mother's eyes. It seems only yesterday she was in here herself, buying her first wang. Ten and a quarter inches long, swishy, made of willow. Nice wang for charm work."
"Your father, on the other hand, favored a mahogany wang. Eleven inches. "


Harry took the wang. He felt a sudden warmth in his fingers. He raised the wang above his head, brought it swishing down through the dusty air and a stream of red and gold sparks shot from the end like a firework, throwing dancing spots of light on to the walls


"Oh, move over," Hermione snarled. She grabbed Harry's wang, tapped the lock, and whispered, 'Alohomora!"


The troll couldn't feel Harry hanging there, but even a troll will notice if you stick a long bit of wood up its nose, and Harry's wang had still been in his hand when he'd jumped - it had gone straight up one of the troll's nostrils.


He bent down and pulled his wang out of the troll's nose. It was covered in what looked like lumpy gray glue.


He ran onto the field as you fell, waved his wang, and you sort of slowed down before you hit the ground. Then he whirled his wang at the dementors. Shot silver stuff at them.


"Yes," Harry said, gripping his wang very tightly, and moving into the middle of the deserted classroom. He tried to keep his mind on flying, but something else kept intruding.... Any second now, he might hear his mother again... but he shouldn't think that, or he would hear her again, and he didn't want to... or did he?
Something silver-white, something enormous, erupted from the end of his wang


Then, with a sigh, he raised his wang and prodded the silvery substance with its tip.


'Get - off - me!' Harry gasped. For a few seconds they struggled, Harry pulling at his uncles sausage-like fingers with his left hand, his right maintaining a firm grip on his raised wang.


Most people find it funny.
#8
lulz . 7/10


Whats the difference between a baby and a bowl of soup?


A bowl of soup doesnt scream when you put it in the microwave .
You are not your job.
You're not how much money you have in the bank.
You're not the car you drive.
You're not the contents of your wallet.
You're not your fucking khakis.
You're the all-singing, all-dancing crap of the world.
#9
Dead baby jokes have been done to death and are sadly predictable, -5/10

Al Gore.
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#10
What's the difference between your girlfriend's vaginal secretions and a poutine?

The french fries.
Brokeback Lego - Animation Movie I Made

Quote by \GuitarHero/
Our band mascot is a Muffin.



A recent study shows that 8% of teenagers listen to nothing but music with guitars in it. Put this in your sig if you're one of the 92% who aren't close-minded morons.
#11
2/10

okay, so a car crshes into a nursey, but only 2 children are hurt, a white boy and a black boy(you know where this is going)
so the first ambulance arrives and the white boy goes in it, but dies on his way to the hospital.
well, up in heven, he turns to st peter and says "will i be an angel when i get my wings"
and st peter says"yes now go off into heaven"

later that day, the black boy dies in hospital, and standing outside the gates of heaven he turns to st peter and says "will i be an angel when i get my wings"
and st peter replies "NO! YOU'LL BE A BAT ,NOW **** OFF!!"

Quote by DieGarbageMan
When having sex i realise my penis is of small nature.


Quote by gavz_verdikt
There is a box below Private Messages and right of Log Out.
I think the TS will know what to do next

#13
^ dread but funny 3/10
whats the difference between the pope and madeleine mcann........

The pope died a virgin
#14
Quote by Renfordoggz
^ dread but funny 3/10
whats the difference between the pope and madeleine mcann........

The pope died a virgin

I love that.


why did the McCann family crosee the road

To leave Madeline on the other side AHAWHAW.

Sick, but I find it funny.
#15
5.

Knock knock
Who's there?
Guess
Guess who?
The Gestapo, open up Ms Frank
Friends, applaud the comedy is over.


I'd dance with you but...


#16
to Child In Time - 7/10

A bloke breaks into a house. He moves across the living room towards the T.V when he hears a voice say
''Jesus is watching you!''
He looks around, but no one is there. Deciding he imagined it, he continues to disconnect the T.V. Once again, he hears
''Jesus is watching you!''.
He turns towards the opposite corner and notices a parrot. Hemoves towards it and says
''Was that you? Well, I dont take religious lessons from Parrots thanks.''
''Jesus is watching you!'' it says again.
''So is that you name'', the bloke says
'' I am called Moses''. Said the Parrot.
''Moses? What kind of idiot calls their Parrot Moses?''
''The same kind of idiot that calls their Rottweiler Jesus!!'' said tha parrot.

yeah thats it lol.
#17
7/10
how many jews does it take to paint a shed???
who cares thats n igger work!!

Quote by DieGarbageMan
When having sex i realise my penis is of small nature.


Quote by gavz_verdikt
There is a box below Private Messages and right of Log Out.
I think the TS will know what to do next

#18
0/10 That just wasn't funny


Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson are following a criminal, and have to camp outside for the night.
As they lie on the ground, Holmes says
"Watson, look up at the night sky and tell me what you can deduce"
"I see thousands of distant galaxies, all made up of millions of shining stars. Each of them is another world, perhaps some just like our own..."

"Watson, you idiot. Someone's stolen our tent!"
#20
8.

a black man walks into the doctor with a frog on his head..
doctor: what seems to be the problem?
frog: i've got a blackhead on my arse
Friends, applaud the comedy is over.


I'd dance with you but...


#21
sashki - 5/10. gd joke but ive seen it/heard it so many times lol.

( You sorta have to be from England to get the joke)


Have you ever seen David Blunkett's house????


Nah, neither has he!
#22
4/10
A guy decides to take his spastic son to the beach. When he is there he says "hey son, here's some money, go get an ice cream," so the kid goes to get an ice cream.

"gun a av a ice gleem pluus" says the kid. The ice cream man then gets an ice cream, and shoves it in the kids face.

The Kid tells his dad, who can't believe what happened, so he tells the kid to go and ask again.

"gun a av a ice gleem pluus". Again, the ice cream man gets him an ice cream, then shoves it in his face.

The dad has had enough of this so he goes to speak to the ice cream man. "What the hell do you think you're doing, doing that to my son?" says the man.

"ahh thorrt ee were takin da pith"

Quote by DieGarbageMan
When having sex i realise my penis is of small nature.


Quote by gavz_verdikt
There is a box below Private Messages and right of Log Out.
I think the TS will know what to do next

#23
Giant Tool - 8/10

Kuri is a little african boy. He has to walk 5 miles everyday to get to his school.

Please donate £1 to buy him a pair of trainers, so the lazy bastard can run instead.
#24
8/10
heres a lymeric instead of a joke

There was a young fella named Sweeney,
whose girl was a terrible meanie.
The hatch of her snatch had a catch that would latch,
she could only be screwed by Houdini.

Quote by DieGarbageMan
When having sex i realise my penis is of small nature.


Quote by gavz_verdikt
There is a box below Private Messages and right of Log Out.
I think the TS will know what to do next

#25
5

Just been to my first Muslim birthday party.

The musical chairs was a bit slow but **** me the pass the parcel was quick.
[quote="'[x"]Huffy[x]']^ This man knows everything.

Seriously, don't even try and question him, he'll rip your face off with his awesomeness alone.
Quote by Kumanji
@ yet another win post from Vince. Kudos to you, sir.
#26
7/10

How many emos does it take to change a light bulb?

1: None, they just sit in the dark and cry.

Or

2: One to change it and one to write a poem about how much they miss the old light bulb

Quote by DieGarbageMan
When having sex i realise my penis is of small nature.


Quote by gavz_verdikt
There is a box below Private Messages and right of Log Out.
I think the TS will know what to do next

#27
1: 2/10
2: 6/10

Whats the difference between an indian and a park bench?

A park bench can support a family
\,,/_[><]_\,,/
#28
Quote by Dudage
1: 2/10
2: 6/10

You didn't post a joke so I'll just give you a 0/10 and call you a noob. <-- A rating and a joke all in one. Yea me!

Edit: ^ Who the fuck makes fun of indians? Isn't it bad enough that we killed them all and herded them into small reservations?
#29
A woman goes to buy a Parrot, the parrots are £200, £100 & £15.
She asks whys the last one so cheap?
Because he used to live in a brothel says the shopkeeper.
She says "I don't mind" and buys it.
When she gets home the Parrot says "F*ck me a new brothel"
The woman finds it funny.
When her daughters get home the Parrot says "F*ck me two new prossies"
The daughters find it funny too.
When the dad gets home the Parrot says "F*ck me Pete, I haven't seen you for weeks!"
[quote="'[x"]Huffy[x]']^ This man knows everything.

Seriously, don't even try and question him, he'll rip your face off with his awesomeness alone.
Quote by Kumanji
@ yet another win post from Vince. Kudos to you, sir.
#30
8/10

*sigh* I hate jokes..but, what do you call a black guy on a mountain bike? A thief.
666 BRO
#31
5/10

Who is the most popular man at a nudist colony?

The one who can carry 2 cups of coffee and 12 ring donuts.

Who is the most popular woman at a nudist colony?

The one who can eat the last two donuts.
[quote="'[x"]Huffy[x]']^ This man knows everything.

Seriously, don't even try and question him, he'll rip your face off with his awesomeness alone.
Quote by Kumanji
@ yet another win post from Vince. Kudos to you, sir.
#32
8/10
What's the best thing about schizophrenia?

It turns a wank into an orgy!

Quote by DieGarbageMan
When having sex i realise my penis is of small nature.


Quote by gavz_verdikt
There is a box below Private Messages and right of Log Out.
I think the TS will know what to do next

#33
7/10

This guy was so deeply in love that just before he was married, he had his bride's name tattooed on his love muscle. Normally, only the first and last letters were visible, although when he was aroused, the tattoo spelled out W-E-N-D-Y.
Now they're on their honeymoon at a resort in Montego Bay. One night, in the men's room, this fellow finds himself standing next to a tall Jamaican at the urinal. To his amazement, he notices that this man, too, has the letters W-Y tattooed on his penis.
"Excuse me," he says, "but I couldn't help noticing your tattoo. Do you have a girlfriend named Wendy?"
"No way, mon, I work for the Tourist board. Mine reads, "Welcome to Jamaica, mon, have a nice day."
[quote="'[x"]Huffy[x]']^ This man knows everything.

Seriously, don't even try and question him, he'll rip your face off with his awesomeness alone.
Quote by Kumanji
@ yet another win post from Vince. Kudos to you, sir.
#34
6/10
Little Johnny walks into his parents bedroom to find his Dad giving his Mum one. His Dad smirks and throws a pillow at the door saying, "Get outta here, you little ****!"

A couple of hours later Dad hears a whole lot of commotion coming from little Johnny's bedroom. He goes up to find little Johnny giving his Grandma a right royal seeing to.

Little Johnny smiles, "It's not so ****ing funny when it's your Mum, is it?"

Quote by DieGarbageMan
When having sex i realise my penis is of small nature.


Quote by gavz_verdikt
There is a box below Private Messages and right of Log Out.
I think the TS will know what to do next

#36
A scouser walked into the local job centre, marched straight up to the counter and
said "Hi, I'm looking for a job".
The man behind the counter replied "Your timing is amazing. We've just got a listing from a very wealthy man who wants a chauffeur/bodyguard for his nymphomaniac twin daughters. You'll have to drive around in a big black Mercedes, uniform provided. Because of the long hours of this job, meals will also be provided and you will also be required to escort the young ladies on their overseas holidays. The salary package is
£200,000 a year".

The scouser said "You're bull****ting me!"

The man behind the counter said "Well you bloody started it!"

EDIT: 2/10 ^
[quote="'[x"]Huffy[x]']^ This man knows everything.

Seriously, don't even try and question him, he'll rip your face off with his awesomeness alone.
Quote by Kumanji
@ yet another win post from Vince. Kudos to you, sir.
#37
8/10

A man and his wife go to their honeymoon hotel for their 25th anniversary. As the couple reflected on that magical evening 25 years ago, the wife asked the husband, "When you first saw my naked body in front of you, what was going through your mind?"

The husband replied, "All I wanted to do was to **** your brains out, and suck your tits dry."

Then, as the wife undressed, she asked, "What are you thinking now?"

He replied, "It looks as if I did a pretty good job."
Quote by darkstar2466

I love you.


Quote by rabidguitarist

Can I be your adopted parent? I'd love you like a real son.


"Arguing over the internet is like the special olympics. No matter who wins, your both still retards." - A man of many muffins
#38
10/10 lulz.

Sorry, all I have is another petty racist joke... How do you stop 6 black guys from raping someone? Throw them a basketball.
666 BRO
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