#1
Hi guys; it feels as though it's been forever since I've been on this site ^_^

I recently got back from my vacation in Florida; two nights before we left, I woke up at 2am and started to play my guitar and came up with this; I had some other words and they were really bad. These words aren't amazing either, but in comparison to the other words they're decent ^_^

I've never really written lyrics before so this is my first shot at that; I played this "live", as in the guitar and words were done together. In the last verse I mess up, I am gonna change the words from "cast aside" to "throw out" for the sake of syllables and timing.

The song can be found here: http://mkylman.dmusic.com/

Here are the lyrics:

VERSE 1
There's a red cloud on the horizon
and the sky above is blue
as I watch the sun risin(g)
My thoughts drift to you

CHORUS ALT STUFF IN ( )
There's so very much I would say,
If I saw you (now)
(If I could find a way)
(Then I would tell you somehow)

VERSE 2
Storm front hiding the sun
Lightning crashing white
What are you doing, who've you become?
What have you made of your life?

CHORUS ALT STUFF IN ( )
There's so very much I would say,
If I saw you (now)
(If I could find a way)
(Then I would tell you somehow)

VERSE 3
Puddles on the ground now drying
And the sky returns to blue
As the last rays of sun are dying
I cast aside my memories of you
BRIDGE, then end song

EDIT:

Okay I just did an alternate take for Red Cloud, it's at the same address

http://mkylman.dmusic.com

I tried an alternating pattern, it sounds bad towards the end but it's the best I can do ^_^ My voice isn't picked up as much in this recording, but the attempt is still clear; I edited the vocals a bit, shortening up some of the verse parts. As for the chorus I just put it as what mattvl suggested

So yeah that's it. I would really like if you guys could crit each version(or rather pick which is better and why) along w/ my lyrics. I'd appreciate any ways that I can improve my voice, I know I'm not the best singer and this is the first song I've sung so I don't want to get stuck in bad habits. Thanks in advance!

I hope you like it! Crit-4-Crit and all that good stuff.

MKylman
Last edited by fingersofflame at Oct 27, 2007,
#2
hey thanks for the reply.. i really like your song! the guitar part sounds really good, and i like the clean sound of your guitar. wish my mic wasn't so crappy
#3
I really like the feel of the guitar, it really has potential, even the lyrics aren't so bad. Now your voice, sure it's not the best, but I think it's the melody you form with the lyrics, it doesn't flow or fit the song very well. You seem to be good at coming up with stuff on your guitar so try and write a melody line a la guitar solo and then take that out and put the lyrics in using the same melody and then see what it sounds like.

EDIT: Try extending the chorus as well, you need something to really have an audience (be it just one person) latch onto and sing along with.

Ex.
1.There's so much I would say
2.If I saw you now
3.And if I could find a way
4.I would let you know somehow
etc, etc.
Melody:
Line 1: mid-high
Line 2: mid-low
Line 3: mid-high
Line 4: high-highest
Then maybe move into a second stage of the chorus explaining the first part, just where I see it going but it's not my song so see if that helps. If not, then just tell me to shut up.
Last edited by mattvl at Oct 26, 2007,
#4
Mattvl: Yeah I will try and work on a better chorus; I don't quite get what you mean about my voice's melody not fitting in. What do you mean? Like in terms of syllables or my pitch is just always off?
#5
I updated my last post again, but I meant the pitch, not that it's off but that it's too one dimensional and...in danger of being shot, boring. Move up and down and around in your vocals, ascending/descending notes and then a mix of the two. Every line is sung the same way, make the pitches move around a little more into something that flows rather then just drops from high to low every line.

I noticed that your guitar sorta mimics the lyrics...so you're trying to keep the same melody that your guitar line follows...keep the guitar and sing in different directions. Hard to explain without a guitar or a sheet of music/tab.
#6
Yeah I have found that problem a lot -_- I don't really think a whole lot when I sing, I've never really sang before...to be honest I have no idea what you mean ^_^ I will try varying my pitch a little, but i have no idea how it'll turn out; By the way, I liked the addition you made to the chorus, that sound pretty good when I play it ^_^

And in no way would you be shot for saying the sound of my voice was boring, what's the kind of brutality I want to see in my crits(not to say that was brutal)

Also I will try to keep the guitar line and sing in a different direction, but I don't know if I'll really be able to do that; I have trouble singing to a complex guitar part or going out of the same timing as the guitar; it's the same reason why I can't play piano with two hands, I can't separate my brain...
Last edited by fingersofflame at Oct 26, 2007,
#7
Think about it this way:

Your voice (Upward lines mean higher pitch, lower lines mean lower pitch):

What it sounds like on your song from what I remember is something like

/\
--\
---\/\
------\
-------\/\
----------\
-----------\ (etc.)

Try to make that line a little less linear, move around more, high up, then slope down, and then way way up or something. Make each line in a single verse different, I can't really explain it but try and play a melody on your guitar in place of your voice until it sounds good in itself. Then try to sing it and see how it sounds.
#9
Your song is really cool. I especially love the way you enter in the chorus. Like the other guy said, I would add some variation in your voice during the verse especially. I don't really know how to tell it to you, but you could like finish the first sentence on the note youre doing now, but finish the second sentence on a lower noter. Presently your doing something like this:


3
3 3
3

for each sentence. But you could variate and try doing this instead:

3 3
3 3 3
3 3
3

I don't know if you know a bit of theory, but presently youre doing C-G-E-C with your voice, which is basically the C Major Arpeggio. But you could altern between this and like C-G-E-C(an octave lower than the first C).

But you have a pretty solide base, the melody is very nice .

F***, my 3 don't work...
#10
you shouldn't talke during the intro. the guitar was very nice sounding! good job. the vocals could have had a more distinct melody. they follow the chord proggression way to closely, and the rythem is a bit monotonous. the guitar part is amazing though! the bridge didn't fit well with the rest of the song. good job!

crit mine? https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=695630
Too cool for a signature.
#11
Okay I just did an alternate take for Red Cloud, it's at the same address

http://mkylman.dmusic.com

I tried an alternating pattern, it sounds bad towards the end but it's the best I can do ^_^ My voice isn't picked up as much in this recording, but the attempt is still clear; I edited the vocals a bit, shortening up some of the verse parts. As for the chorus I just put it as what mattvl suggested

MKylman
#12
Definitely better, there's one line in each verse where you just drop right from the start a little too far. Seems like it's outta place but you're definitely getting the idea...hey did you change the interlude? That part actually sounded pretty awesome, especially the part where it starts dropping into the lower registers, keep that, it's dynamite. I'd say just start warming up beforehand so you stretch your range a little bit and put less stress on your vocal chords. But yeah, other than that one line that seems a bit outta place you're definitely starting to get a much more melodic flow to your lyrics, with a bit of vocal training that could be a pretty sweet song (not that it isn't already, just touch up the voice a bit). Nice job!
#13
The line that's out of place is the one that is all "that's clear and blue" and "lightning crashes white" and "the sky returns to blue" and the last part where I say "you" right? Essentially the second line of each verse...I was trying to do a mid to low thing but I never seem to do low pitch stuff, I don't really know ^_^ It was odd, I like each take, but in a lot of ways I like this one more if I just get that second line of each verse right.

I'll try to do a somewhat more controlled take of it later on today, though that may not be possible -_-

MKylman
Last edited by fingersofflame at Oct 27, 2007,
#14
Yeah, I'm pretty sure it was the second line. It may have just been out of key, I can't remember exactly but it sounded a little too low. Just work with it and practice the vocals. As you get better at singing come back to it over time, you'll find you can hear your voice a lot better (while you sing and whether you're in key or not etc.).
#15
Hm. Well to be honest I don't really know how I'll be able to work on my voice, like without lesson or some form of voice training; Outside of a lesson, do you have any suggestions? Like should I just keep at it and hope something comes of it? In this sort of area I'm a little uncertain when it comes to exploring, it's not like the guitar ^_^

MKylman
#16
Really liked the guitar, and the lyrics, although I'm sorry to say I'm not a fan of your voice. I'm terrible at singing myself, and I'm not gonna pretend like I knwo much about singing, but at times it sounds a bit strained and as if you're not reaching the pitch right, other than that, I really did like it, probably if you had some vocal training then the vocals would fit in better, otherwise, well done!

C4C? https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=698910
Funny words.
#17
Look over the internet for info but basic warm up could be:
Repeat each three times
1. Recite the vowel sounds A-E-I-O-U out loud making sure you pronounce them clearly concentrating on forming the words with your mouth. Emphasize the position of your jaw/lips etc.
2. Recite Do-Re-Mi-Fa-So-La-Ti-Do in the same manner (without the proper pitch this time around, purely for pronunciation).
3. Use your (tuned) guitar or piano and hum the major scale keeping your lips closed, try to remain in key throughout the entire exercise). See if you can hear the consonance ringing as you hit the corresponding note with your voice.
4. Repeat part 2 but using the proper pitch levels as you did in step 3. Try and pronounce the syllables at the appropriate pitch level.

After that pick a song that is within your range and practice it a number of times and then work on something a little more difficult/one of your own songs.
#18
Thanks Iron Man, I beat you to it however ^_^

Mattvl, you have been a HUGE help to me, I am really really grateful dude! I will do all the stuff you have mentioned and maybe in the future I will have this sung correctly ^_^

Thankfully I have a keyboard as well as a guitar; Is there an importance when it comes to key with part 3's exercise? I mean I could play the major a scale or the major b scale, I'm assuming you mean c ^_^

MKylman
#19
Awesome guitar work in this song. I think you could maybe add to the chorus as others have said. Since you have a keyboard maybe you could add a bit in? It's a nice relaxing song either way.
#20
I love the repeating guitar pattern, was really interesting ^^ ( was listening to the new take ) and I thought the outro was a great contrast. The vocals need work , I think though as most other people mentioned =P But great playing, you're a guitarist before singer and that's cool =]
Original Songs by IggyG:
Hit My Name!
#21
No problem. And no, it doesn't matter which key you're in (although usually it's a major scale but you need to learn to sing in other keys as well). Just pick the one that fits your range the best because this is a warm up, the easier it is for you the better.
#22
This is actually a great stuff
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#23
Beautiful song. Guitar work was excellent. I really like this, because I don't hear much acoustic work on the original songs forum. I like your voice, but you don't sound very confident. I couldn't tell for sure, but I think you were playing at the same time you were singing. If that's the case, try recording the vocals and guitar seperately and adding them in. I'll bet you'd be a lot less concerned about guitar and you could focus more on the vocals. It's nearly impossible for me to sing and play at the same time, so +1 to you sir. Overall, I loved the song. Great work.

Crit mine? https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=701060
#24
Quote by lemonsquares42
Beautiful song. Guitar work was excellent. I really like this, because I don't hear much acoustic work on the original songs forum. I like your voice, but you don't sound very confident. I couldn't tell for sure, but I think you were playing at the same time you were singing. If that's the case, try recording the vocals and guitar seperately and adding them in. I'll bet you'd be a lot less concerned about guitar and you could focus more on the vocals. It's nearly impossible for me to sing and play at the same time, so +1 to you sir. Overall, I loved the song. Great work.

Crit mine? https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=701060


Yeah I played that live; I wasn't very confident. I'm not very confident with my singing...in the shadow of my grandpa who is an amazing songwriter in my eyes, I feel so inadequate ^_^ It's not that I fear his criticism it's just I don't feel I could ever top him;

I'm actually unable to sing while playing unless it's an acoustic song...it's hard to explain; I can sing to a song like this one or house of the rising sun or anything where the arpeggios are simple but if I try to sing and play In Keeping Secrets of Silent Earth then I can't do the guitar part and sing...

But thank you for the wonderful crit and I will crit you as soon as I can...in other words, after dinner ^_^

MKylman