#1
This is something I wrote long ago... honestly don't think its too good, but I like the concept. It's not supposed to read as a song... but I think with some editing it could be turned into some sort of psychadelic ballad. C4C.

As clarity ends, my mind opens
Crispness, replaced by intrigue.
As the world fades away, I find my place.
In my head I find my solace;
My padded room, my play pen
Where right and wrong aren't defined.
My tiny cell where harm cannot find me.

My friends are here, ALL of them
Imagination,
my creative friend, with lots of fun ideas.
Conscience,
my stuffy, law-abiding friend
Testosterone,
my crazy, alcoholic friend

In this cell, we play
In this cell, we debate
In this cell, we fight
Conscience and testosterone never agree,
they always fight and argue.
They annoy me,
they always antagonize me...
They should go away...
This is my cell.

They are gone,
Imagination and I strangled them.
Conscience first, because testosterone helped
and conscience never fights.
Testosterone was more difficult, he fought...
They died, and disappeared.
Now its just imagination and I
We talk of far away places, new inventions and ideas
It is fun. I don't have to focus on now or tomorrow.

I've grown bored with imagination,
He's always happy and optimistic...
He's stupid... he doesn't know anything about how the world works
It's his time now... I don't want him.
I asked him to show me a neat way to commit suicide;
He did.

Now its just me,
Now its just my padded room.
Sometimes I miss my friends and our debates,
but they were a hassle.
Now I have quiet...
now I have thinking time...
and absolutely nothing to think about.
#2
THANK YOU. FINALLY SOMEONE ELSE WHO KNOWS WHAT IS SWIRLING AROUMD IN MY HEAD. that's really cool, i love it. keep it how it is and don't change a thing. astronomy domine style would work really cool me thinks. i wish i could give you more of a crit but i just got back from sschool survival camp so i'm absolutely stuffed..i might crit you some more tomorrow if i get time
#3
I didn't like it at first because the intro was just kinda setting up the story but by the end I found myself really enjoying it.
I asked him to show me a neat way to commit suicide;
He did

That part made me laugh and
Now I have quiet...
now I have thinking time...
and absolutely nothing to think about.

that part was a great ending.
Overall, good job!
#4
As clarity ends, my mind opens
Crispness, replaced by intrigue.
As the world fades away, I find my place.
In my head I find my solace;
My padded room, my play pen
Where right and wrong aren't defined.
My tiny cell where harm cannot find me.

Its a neat intro to the story, i like the opening two lines, though perhaps there is a better word than "crispness".

My friends are here, ALL of them
Imagination,
my creative friend, with lots of fun ideas.
Conscience,
my stuffy, law-abiding friend
Testosterone,
my crazy, alcoholic friend

Reads almost too list-like, but i do like your description of testosterone.

In this cell, we play
In this cell, we debate
In this cell, we fight
Conscience and testosterone never agree,
they always fight and argue.
They annoy me,
they always antagonize me...
They should go away...
This is my cell.

They are gone,
Imagination and I strangled them.
Conscience first, because testosterone helped
and conscience never fights.
Testosterone was more difficult, he fought...
They died, and disappeared.
Now its just imagination and I
We talk of far away places, new inventions and ideas
It is fun. I don't have to focus on now or tomorrow.

I like these two verses, they really provide concept for the piece, has a good depth.

I've grown bored with imagination,
He's always happy and optimistic...
He's stupid... he doesn't know anything about how the world works
It's his time now... I don't want him.
I asked him to show me a neat way to commit suicide;
He did.

Now its just me,
Now its just my padded room.
Sometimes I miss my friends and our debates,
but they were a hassle.
Now I have quiet...
now I have thinking time...
and absolutely nothing to think about.

I really liked this piece, it told quite the story, and the ending line is simply brilliant. C4C.
And Like That. He was Gone.

My Lyrics

Love
#6
I really, really enjoyed that and honestly wouldn't change a thing, except for whatever changes you might need to make whenever it comes time to put the lyrics to music. Its a unique story from a unique point of view and thats what I really appreciate in good lyrics. I want to hear the finished song quite badly now. Well done.
#7
Quote by ZanasCross
This is something I wrote long ago... honestly don't think its too good, but I like the concept. It's not supposed to read as a song... but I think with some editing it could be turned into some sort of psychadelic ballad. C4C.

As clarity ends, my mind opens
Crispness, replaced by intrigue.
As the world fades away, I find my place.
In my head I find my solace;
My padded room, my play pen
Where right and wrong aren't defined.
My tiny cell where harm cannot find me.

while writing, its important to choose the right words. We are blessed, as English speakers, to have such an enormous arsenal of words at our disposal. Subtleties that cannot be reached in other languages can be attained in English. So, it is impotant to choose the right word for what you are thinking or feeling, and this case, I really don't think 'crispness' is that word. Crisp is sometimes a good modifier, but 'crispness'? That word sounds awkward as you say it, it doesn't fit in with the mood of the rest of the piece. HOWEVER, I do like the transition into your 'place' that you describe, and I enjoy the way you are describing it. Especially "My tiny cell where harm cannot find me" Being in a cell, of course, implies imprisonment, and while most people write about imprisonment as a bad thing, or a stifling thing, you write about it like its keeping you safe. I'm getting the distinct sense of paranoia here...

My friends are here, ALL of them
Imagination,
my creative friend, with lots of fun ideas.
Conscience,
my stuffy, law-abiding friend
Testosterone,
my crazy, alcoholic friend

The first line needs some work, whether you take out "ALL of them" (i saw it to be superfluous) or you simply reword it, or uncapitalize "ALL" it think it needs to be better. Also, we know they are your friends, so you don't need to reiterate that point line after line. I like the idea of personifying these concepts... but you can come up with something better than "imagination has lots of fun ideas." while that's very well and good, you paint imagination in a very unimaginative light. I'm sure there's some kind of image that might go with it, something with COLOR, and INTRIGUE. You can come up with something. And for Conscience..i'm sure there's something worldly, perhaps Conscience detests Imagination? There are so many ways you could expand on this idea, but you elect to go with a very uninteresting approach. So while you're reworking this, think about it, all the places this could go. It'll be good.

In this cell, we play
In this cell, we debate
In this cell, we fight
Conscience and testosterone never agree,
they always fight and argue.
They annoy me,
they always antagonize me...
They should go away...
This is my cell.

so YOU ARE taking it somewhere. STILL, the repetition of "in this cell, in this cell" we know its happening in the God-forsaken cell already.. you can condesne that into one/two lines very easily. I like how conscience and testosterone never agree. It seems like all three of them wouldn't agree though. And now we're finding that they aren't exactly your friends, and you're not exactly safe from harm in your little 'cell'. Its ironic because most people imprisoned in a cell would kill for company..but here you kill your company (yeah i read ahead)

They are gone,
Imagination and I strangled them.
Conscience first, because testosterone helped
and conscience never fights.
Testosterone was more difficult, he fought...
They died, and disappeared.
Now its just imagination and I
We talk of far away places, new inventions and ideas
It is fun. I don't have to focus on now or tomorrow.

Reword the second line. It sounds like Imagination and something else called "I strangled them" are gone, because there's no real transition from the two ideas in those two lines. Clarify. I like that testosterone helped you kill conscience, and then you immediately turned on him. And i'm surprised that your imagination still wants to talk to you after that.

I've grown bored with imagination,
He's always happy and optimistic...
He's stupid... he doesn't know anything about how the world works
It's his time now... I don't want him.
I asked him to show me a neat way to commit suicide;
He did.

massively depressing. This seems way too prosey compared to the rest of the piece. You can shorten, condense.

Now its just me,
Now its just my padded room.
Sometimes I miss my friends and our debates,
but they were a hassle.
Now I have quiet...
now I have thinking time...
and absolutely nothing to think about.

Not to mention that without any testosterone you'd also be rather womanly. I can't believe you tricked your imagination into killing itself. BUT that in itself is the reaction you want to have! That's a provocative, and GOOD, idea! Now you just have to convey them better.


Your problem is not in your content, not in your form, but in your diction. Prose dominates this piece, and I don't think you necessarily wanted that. The important things you need to work on are in condensation, word choice, and transitions between ideas.
what comes up comes out
#8
Well, I didn't like the flow and the rhythm/rhyme stuff was kinda weird. But damn... it's so AWESOME! Seriously, this is really original to me, and the way you say it is vivid and fresh. Honestly, this is unbelievably awesome...
#9
This is something I wrote long ago... honestly don't think its too good, but I like the concept. It's not supposed to read as a song... but I think with some editing it could be turned into some sort of psychadelic ballad. C4C.

As clarity ends, my mind opens
Crispness, replaced by intrigue.
As the world fades away, I find my place.
In my head I find my solace;
My padded room, my play pen
Where right and wrong aren't defined.
My tiny cell where harm cannot find me.

i didn't really like this as an opening, but i only realized that after i finished reading the whole piece. it doesnt have the same almost playful mood the rest of the piece has. though considering that it is an introduction, there aren't too many ways around that. oh well...

My friends are here, ALL of them
Imagination,
my creative friend, with lots of fun ideas.
Conscience,
my stuffy, law-abiding friend
Testosterone,
my crazy, alcoholic friend

i liked all of this except the description of imagination. it's rather obvious to me, wheras the other descriptions aren't. creativity, imagination, fun ideas, they all go hand in hand. i would like to see a more abstract connection, if you please.

In this cell, we play
In this cell, we debate
In this cell, we fight
Conscience and testosterone never agree,
they always fight and argue.
They annoy me,
they always antagonize me...
They should go away...
This is my cell.

i like the progression of the first three lines. it reminds me of so many real relationships that deteriorate as time goes by. the fifth line, though, saying fight and argue is a little bit redundant. and you use the word fight just two lines before, its in danger of sounding repetitive.

They are gone,
Imagination and I strangled them.
Conscience first, because testosterone helped
and conscience never fights.
Testosterone was more difficult, he fought...
They died, and disappeared.
Now its just imagination and I
We talk of far away places, new inventions and ideas
It is fun. I don't have to focus on now or tomorrow.

this is my favorite stanza, i can really identify with it. not the strangling, of course, but the ignoring of reality. the last line a strange flow to it. not really bad, just different. take that however you wish.

I've grown bored with imagination,
He's always happy and optimistic...
He's stupid... he doesn't know anything about how the world works
It's his time now... I don't want him.
I asked him to show me a neat way to commit suicide;
He did.

i like how you're now getting bored with imagination for the same reasons you found him fun before. and i love the last 2 lines. they were simultaneously heartbreaking and hilarious. not an easy thing to accomplish.

Now its just me,
Now its just my padded room.
Sometimes I miss my friends and our debates,
but they were a hassle.
Now I have quiet...
now I have thinking time...
and absolutely nothing to think about.

ah, the plague of adulthood...great ending. not much to say here...


i really liked this piece. although i admit, i was really surprised that imagination outlasted conscience and testosterone. in my experience, imagination is the first to go as people grow up. and testosterone (unfortunately) seems to last forever.

c4c if you will, puddles and penance brace yourself, though, it needs a lot of work...
when birds flap their wings do the make believe they're really arms?
#10
Oh, I just remembered something else I was meaning to say, but forgot.

You might look at the title, and ask yourself, is "requiem" really what I want to use to describe this piece? A requiem (formally) is a funeral mass in the roman catholic church, to pray for the salvation of someone's soul. Sure, there is death in the poem, but is there any salvation? Its interesting to think about..I'm not saying that your title is bad or that its NOT a requiem, I'm just encouraging you to explore the possibilites.
what comes up comes out
#11
Quote by ZanasCross


took me a while to get to this

As clarity ends, my mind opens
Crispness, replaced by intrigue.
As the world fades away, I find my place.
In my head I find my solace;
My padded room, my play pen
Where right and wrong aren't defined.
My tiny cell where harm cannot find me.

solid writing here, but the images you used felt a bit cliché for me. 'as the world fades away' is way overused. i liked the flow in this stanza, except for the last line which didnt really flow that well (imo). i liked the fifth line a lot, you left the cliché imagery and used something refreshing. solid opening, nothing special, but good enough.

My friends are here, ALL of them
Imagination,
my creative friend, with lots of fun ideas.
Conscience,
my stuffy, law-abiding friend
Testosterone,
my crazy, alcoholic friend

hm. i see where you're going here but i thought it was rather poorly executed. it was way too bland for me. i'm sorry

In this cell, we play
In this cell, we debate
In this cell, we fight
Conscience and testosterone never agree,
they always fight and argue.
They annoy me,
they always antagonize me...
They should go away...
This is my cell.

didnt like the repetition here in the first three lines. i thought your writing went downhill here. you started of pretty good in the first stanza but after that i just didn't feel it anymore. your vocabulary here is so simple, and while i'm not saying that simple is bad, it just didn't work for me here.

They are gone,
Imagination and I strangled them.
Conscience first, because testosterone helped
and conscience never fights.
Testosterone was more difficult, he fought...
They died, and disappeared.
Now its just imagination and I
We talk of far away places, new inventions and ideas
It is fun. I don't have to focus on now or tomorrow.

read previous stanza crit

I've grown bored with imagination,
He's always happy and optimistic...
He's stupid... he doesn't know anything about how the world works
It's his time now... I don't want him.
I asked him to show me a neat way to commit suicide;
He did.

Now its just me,
Now its just my padded room.
Sometimes I miss my friends and our debates,
but they were a hassle.
Now I have quiet...
now I have thinking time...
and absolutely nothing to think about.

okay. i thought the story you had in your poem was pretty good and all, and you got your message across. but seen from a poetic point of view, i thought this piece lacked quality. i said it before, you started off pretty good, but then it went downhill and you never really got back to the quality of the first stanza. i'm sorry i didn't really like this. thanks for doing mine



sdd
#12
^It's fine man... I didn't write this in the first post... mostly because I hate putting disclaimers... because then people judge the piece by a new standard... but this was the first thing I Ever wrote down for the fun of writing... and it was written when I was in 8th grade (I'm a junior in college now)... I just happened to find it on my computer and thought, "Oh what the hell, lets see how it goes over." I really do like the story behind it... and I know it wasn't all that well executed... I plan on re-writing it when I get some time.

Thanks to everyone for your comments... if I haven't gotten back to you (I think I've gotten everyone) please send me a PM and I'll get back to you on your piece within a few days.

-ZC