#1
Here are some lyrics that i wrote recently after contemplating the future from another perspective than mine. I'd really like to know what everyone thinks, as I've just recently started writing lyrics that I think are good enough to use for the music that I write, compared to the stuff i was writing a couple of months ago.

**Verse 1**
The other day
i saw a way to change
it was a fleeting thing
that made me think

If everything was
how its supposed to be
and not how it is
it wouldn't matter anyway

But that won't happen

**Bridge**
So I'll just stay today
not really being comfortable
but more-so than i could be

**Chorus**
What happened to the dream?
It slipped my fingers
without my seeing
and i fear its lost forever
**********

**Verse 2**
Would-be's and have-not's and may-be's
This weight weighs on things disagreed
maybe if i watched, i would eventually see
where everything's supposed to go

But right now its heading for me
And I'm the deer in its headlights
Paralyzed with the fear of what might be

**Bridge**
So I'll just stay today
not really being comfortable
but more-so than i could be

**Chorus**
What happened to the dream?
It slipped my fingers
without my seeing
and i fear its lost forever
**********
#2
I am, by no means, an expert lyricist or critic, but this is how I feel about this writing:

The first verse comes off as too...light (best word I could think of). Seems like there are not enough words and the words that are there are small and shallow.

I like what the bridge is saying, but perhaps maybe reword the second two lines, they don't seem to flow well.

I think that the chorus is the best part. It comes off of the bridge well and it gets the point across. "What happened to the dream?/It slipped my fingers" is good.

Second verse is a big step up from the first in my opinion, it says a lot more and makes more of an impression.

Overall, it's pretty good I think. Could use a revision perhaps, but I really like the theme and the style. By the way, what part of IN do you live in?
take me on a trip upon your magic swirlin' ship, my senses have been stripped.
#3
I live in Westfield, which is north of Indianapolis, near Carmel...if you know where that is. I agree with what you said about the lyrics...the second half of the first verse, especially, is too wordy for what is actually being said. It was kind of an intentional thing, but i wasn't sure if it was a good idea to do that or not. I'm going to side with not.
#4
Word, I've been there for basketball a few times. I live in Anderson.

But yeah, I think the lyrics have potential, just some tweaks here or there could improve it greatly.
take me on a trip upon your magic swirlin' ship, my senses have been stripped.