#1
Well this is a song in the making, I am gonna try to record the music tonight. Its a simple song, so Crit for Crit. Leave me links and thanks.


I am so lost, it’s kind of funny
Cause’ I don’t know where I’ve been
But I know just where I’m going:
Somewhere in circles, somewhere in lunes
Somewhere I can’t find you
But I have seen familiar faces
The million places I’ve been
In the city of wind, just blowing by me
So endlessly I follow behind

I’m leaving over the horizon
It doesn’t matter how lonely I am
So everything recedes past my eyes and
I don’t know if I’m coming back again

I am so lost its kind of puzzling
Cause’ I don’t know where I’ve been
But I know just where I’m going:
Somewhere and somewhere, summers ago
Somewhere without you
And I have been in similar situations
That has made ruins of my elation
But the city of wind has let it all
Endlessly breeze away

I’m leaving over the horizon
It doesn’t matter how lonely I am
So everything recedes past my eyes and
I don’t know when I’m coming back again
anybody wanna put anything here just let me know
Last edited by societies_worm at Oct 27, 2007,
#2
Go back and look again. And again. This could be a lot better. Next time, impress me!
#3
but thats just it, I don't know if or when I am coming back again, and again, I'm so lost. The poor writing enhances how lost I am. Tis all I wanted to do. oh and sorry not to impress you, but oh well.
anybody wanna put anything here just let me know
Last edited by societies_worm at Oct 27, 2007,
#4
To hell with that. A bottle of scotch and a mind self loathing and you can write a song! What you need is a little tragedy!
#5
The biggest problem I have with this piece is the 3 opening lines for verses. Especially the "I don't know where I've been/but I know just where I'm going". Those lines were just too generic. I would like to see lines that connect to "it's kind of puzzling" and "its kind of funny". Also I suggest changing it "I'm lost again. and...". For some reason "I am so lost" just sounded kind of cheesy to me. The chorus was really nice, but I would just change "I don't know" to "I don't care". Anyways the flow was great and you had some nice ideas. With a few minor tweaks this piece will be outstanding. I'm looking forward to reading more from you


Crit mine please
Angelic Mongrel
#6
Since this is a wonderful idea and theres lots of concrete parts to build on, that you unfortunately crumbled, I'm going to make the changes i find best, you dont have to make them after all, but please do consider =]

Your Version

I am so lost, it’s kind of funny
Cause’ I don’t know where I’ve been
But I know just where I’m going:
Somewhere in circles, somewhere in lunes
Somewhere I can’t find you
But I have seen familiar faces
The million places I’ve been
In the city of wind, just blowing by me
So endlessly I follow behind

I’m leaving over the horizon
It doesn’t matter how lonely I am
So everything recedes past my eyes and
I don’t know if I’m coming back again

I am so lost its kind of puzzling
Cause’ I don’t know where I’ve been
But I know just where I’m going:
Somewhere and somewhere, summers ago
Somewhere without you
And I have been in similar situations
That has made ruins of my elation
But the city of wind has let it all
Endlessly breeze away

I’m leaving over the horizon
It doesn’t matter how lonely I am
So everything recedes past my eyes and
I don’t know when I’m coming back again


My Version


I am so lost, it’s kind of funny
Cause’ I don’t know where I’ve been
But I know just where I’m going:
Somewhere in circles, somewhere in lunes
Somewhere where I can’t find you
But I have seen familiar faces
In the million places that I’ve been
In the city of wind, just blowing by me
So endlessly it follows behind me

I’m leaving over the horizon
It doesn’t matter how lonely I am
Everything recedes past my eyes and
I'm never coming back again

I am so lost its kind of puzzling
Cause’ I don’t know where I’ve been
But I know just where I’m going:
Somewhere and somewhere, summers ago
Somewhere without you
And I have been in similar situations
That has made ruins of my elations
But the city of wind has let it all
Endlessly breeze away

I’m leaving over the horizon
It doesn’t matter how lonely I am
Everything recedes past my eyes but
I just might come back again


I didnt really brutally mangle your writing, I just added a few words to better the flow. crit mine please? your know you want to
https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=701122


You can never fucking trust Canada when Canada decides to report on world news that doesn't concern Canada. Canada is only in it for Canada's sake. Canada doesn't even know Batman.

Fuck Canada
Last edited by that soccer kid at Oct 28, 2007,
#7
eh...i did somethin like this a while back


The Children of the Wind


We stand in the darkness
Facing the morning sun
Listening, Waiting to hear
Our mother's sweet hum
There's no tomorrow
All we know is today
Cuz we dont know
where we'll go
when she takes us away

Children of the Wind....(yeahh)

We
Own nothing but our names
So whether we live
or we die
It's all just the same
That is why we walk around
Like we're bullet proof
Cuz you cant kill a man
Thats got nothing to lose.

We're the Children of the Wind (yeahhhhhhhhhh)

Dont give me your heart
Dont do it babe
Dont give me your heart
I'll float away
Dont give me your heart
Can't you see?
you can feel my touch
but you'll never touch me


May, 17th https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=588099&highlight=children+wind

Im goin to find a lawyer chat handle...

dude...you are soooo sued...lol
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