#1
Here is another set of lyrics I've written lately. Its an anti-war song intended to be a sort of folk song with an unusual structure, with no real chorus, just 3 or 4 short pieces or music strung together with this being sung over it all.

**Verse 1**
Charm
Charm me
Remove the eyes in the sky
And the mouthful of lies
They're harming

War
Warming
Keep you men on the scene
So your conscience is clean
They're turning...round

**Bridge**
Lies
Lying there on the ground
Dies
Dying there without sound
Seeing hell before you get there
and your head is spinning

**Verse 2**
Sigh
Signing
Sign the lives of the bright
and then coax them to fight
Alarming

**Coda**
Oh, how they're calling...
the ones that they love
someone send up a dove
and end things
#5
Quote by mgetz
H
**Verse 1**
Charm
Charm me
Remove the eyes in the sky
And the mouthful of lies
They're harming

War
Warming
Keep your men on the scene
So your conscience is clean
They're turning...round

This is a pretty decent opening... some of it is a little to vague to really make a point though... I mean it sounds neat, but some of it is just lost on the reader due to a general lack of an idea of what the heck you are talking about. For instance, without punctuation at the end of the first part, what does 'they' refer too? Is it eyes or lies? The vagueness just takes away from the point you are trying to deliver.

**Bridge**
Lies
Lying there on the ground
Dies
Dying there without sound
Seeing hell before you get there
and your head is spinning

PLEASE take out the 'there"s and add an 'a' between without and sound... it just adds so much to the flow. Otherwise, I like the idea in the last two lines... "war is hell" cliche, but in a different light... well manipulated.

**Verse 2**
Sigh
Signing
Sign the lives of the bright
and then coax them to fight
Alarming

I think you need to change coax to coerce... it delivers your message in a much cleaner way... coax makes it seem like this process is a nice one... by the tone of the piece, I think you more mean coerce than coax.

**Coda**
Oh, how they're calling...
the ones that they love
someone send up a dove
and end things

Decent closure... nothing spectacular, but it makes it come full circle, so it will do.


Ok, to start this out, I've never been a fan of anti-war/political music... because to me, music is where I go to escape the real world (though I do occasionally enjoy social commentary's in music)... That being said, this was ok. It was nothing new, nothing ground shaking, but it was a decent piece and it made its point. Though I respect you trying to stick to a certain form here, I feel that sticking to this form made it hard for you to express what you really wanted to say... as a lot of the short choppy phrases had to be read a couple times to be understood.... and that just makes this feel like a Homework Assignment instead of something I want to read over/listen too. It could use a once over and some punctuation to establish a better flow.

C4C in my sig? Insanity's Requiem Could use some feedback please.

peace and coconuts,

-ZC