#1
this is crit for a crit so...


Suntag Doesn't Care

She reads my poem

'That's pretty'
You think so?

She looks unsure

'There's a mistake'
No, I just don't capitalize earth


You can never fucking trust Canada when Canada decides to report on world news that doesn't concern Canada. Canada is only in it for Canada's sake. Canada doesn't even know Batman.

Fuck Canada
#3
it was effective to not capitolize earth in the end. with only those six lines you created an entire scenario, developed characters, and possibly portrayed some of your own ideologies (i dont know them if you did though).

some may dismiss it because of its length, but i feel that it is an extremely poignant piece because of it.
#5
Well that was radical.
You solisticistic bastard.

But you win.

Given it's length theres nothing to critique as everything is as it should be. I would say that the last line should have one less word, but there's no word to take out without it losing some of it's meaning, or potency. So that doesn't matter because it flows alright the way it is.

Well done.

https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=701751
or
https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=701401
#6
thanks guys. i'll try and crit all your stuff. even you vague because bright eyes is the shiz.

I think i'm gonna change a few words round a tad. but i'll wait till another crit so im not a doube posting bastard.


You can never fucking trust Canada when Canada decides to report on world news that doesn't concern Canada. Canada is only in it for Canada's sake. Canada doesn't even know Batman.

Fuck Canada
#7
i like this. i can't really say much more than that. i just like it...
when birds flap their wings do the make believe they're really arms?
#8
this is the different version im thinking about. tell me what ya think;

She reads my poem

'It's pretty'
You really think so?

She looks unsure

'There's a mistake'
Nah, I just don't capitalize earth


You can never fucking trust Canada when Canada decides to report on world news that doesn't concern Canada. Canada is only in it for Canada's sake. Canada doesn't even know Batman.

Fuck Canada
#9
it doesnt change the mood of the overall piece so much, but i think it really changes you. in the first version, all you say is 'you think so.' you(i'm gonna work with the assumption that you are the narrator...sorry if that's wrong) come of as kind of cool and uncaring of her opinion. adding the really, to me, makes you seem a lot needier, like all you want in the world is for her to like your poem. so i guess its up to you whichever persona you want to portray.

hope that helps!
when birds flap their wings do the make believe they're really arms?
#10
I like the first version better. Simple, uncluttered, and it works really well.

Adding "really" doesn't do anything for me, and the last line exchanged "Nah" for no is distracting to me. The reason I think the piece worked in the first place is because "earth" was the only thing that wasn't grammatically correct.

Gear:
Partscaster/Tele into a bunch of pedals, a Maz 18 head, and a Z Best cab.