#1
Third tier growth
And I can’t wait to collapse
In the black sand
So that I can marinate.

'Fellow breasts,
I do believe that we’ve arrived
upon our sexless,
fixer-upper enterprise;

Upon our utterly
War-torn plane of existence,
In all of it’s
Simple, dyslexic mortality.

Second base
Was just an accidental slide
But here, here
We drink the smooth blood
Of sweating virgins
And break the chops of lambs
With our pitchforks
And traipse the limbs of lesser minds.'

Last edited by jamminbass at Oct 29, 2007,
#2
I'm not really up to a full crit at the moment, but that was really fun to read ahah.
i look down at my hands,
like they were mirrors.
#3
this was a very good read, the imagery of the last stanza in particular is nice.

We drink the smooth blood
Of sweating virgins
And break the chops of lambs
With our pitchforks
And traipse the limbs of lesser minds.

i see traipse as a perfect word there, very intelligent and nicely written. what genre of music would this be? all in all i'd say 8.5/10 so keep up the great work. thanks for the crit on girl in the tree
#5
To be honest I don't think it's worth putting to music, it's more of a poem structurally anyway.
#6
That made me giggle, the thing about fellow breasts was pretty funny imo.
1966 rickenbacker fireglo 335
78' twin reverb (loud awesome tone)

practice makes practice... never perfect