#1
Crit 4 crit and if I owe you one leave me a link and I'll get to it.

Enjoy

Like Foxes We Were Hung

I've got my hands
in my pockets, and my fingers
are grasping at a quarter
and a piece of string with
lint rolled around it. "I'd whistle
if I knew how, but according
to Doctor Schwabb my lips are
peculair and don't close tight enough
to push out air correctly. I don't
care, and I never have. I can snap
my fingers just as well."


Her hang nail was
snagged on a conversation,
and before I was pulled in I had
to cut it off.

So, I was sitting around an empty table,
waiting for the next woman like
a spider to sit down and stutter cobwebs
around my hair cut like corners. Maybe like
foxes we were hung and hollowed for our
stripped orange coats. She's a regular
Cruella Deville, but the way she wore my
handsome hands and collar caught fur
made me think of the way white wears red.

She sat with her boney hands
in her boney jacket, pulling on the
strings and the zippers, brushing the
velvet off of her breast and into her lap.
Her breath rolled smoke around her lips,
and I coughed as I caught a whiff, her
bare hands now out in the stiff cold, trying
to snap, snap, snap. "I can't do that,
but I can whistle p-p-p-pretty well."
www.facebook.com/longlostcomic
Last edited by Something_Vague at Oct 29, 2007,
#2
Love the title.

I've got my hands
in my pockets, and my fingers
are grasping at a quarter
and a piece of string with
lint rolled around it. "I'd whistle
if I knew how, but according
to Doctor Schwabb my lips are
peculair and don't close tight enough
to push out air correctly. I don't
care, and I never have. I can snap
my fingers just as well."
Really nothing I can say about this stanza. It's a solid opening, although I feel as if the connection to the next stanza is a bit lost, as you end on a fraction of a dialogue. I loved the quoted bit, but I thought that it needs to have a stronger alliance with what follows.

I was sitting around an empty table,
waiting for the next woman like
a spider to sit down and stutter cobwebs
around my hair cut like corners. Maybe like
foxes we were hung and hollowed for our
stripped orange coats. She's a regular
Cruella Deville, but the way she wore my
handsome hands and collar caught fur
made me think of the way white wears red.
Again, pointing out the connection to the previous stanza, just felt that it could have referred to any point in time or a different event to the stanza before. Lack of punctuation compared to the previous stanza also bothered me a tad, and I think it hurt the fluent way this stanza could have read. The content is very witty in my opinion and I think it doesn't quite come through this way.

She sat with her boney hands
in her boney jacket, pulling on the
strings and the zippers, brushing the
velvet off of her breast and into her lap.
Her breath rolled smoke around her lips,
and I coughed as I caught a whiff, her
bare hands now out in the stiff cold, trying
to snap, snap, snap. "I can't do that,
but I can whistle p-p-p-pretty well."
I expected this to start as "She's got her hands..." but perhaps that's too obvious. I don't know. I like the clever way of portraying her many "hands". That was cool. The last few lines were great.

So, you know, not much to critique in regarding to your structure and the rest, it's all pretty much attributed to your style and I can't fault it. I think that either you need to tie in the first and second stanzas better, or you're missing a stanza in between those. Just felt like a very clean cut between them, and the change in flow (punctuation) did not contribute.
Now that's pedantic.

Other than that, it's a light piece, fun, perhaps a satire perhaps a tragedy. I have yet to decide. Not much to add beyond what; very straight forward. I like when you write from the heart cause I get to see more, but this is also a solid piece and very enjoyable. Which I'm sure you meant it to be.

This is not a pipe
#3
wet paint in my sig

I doubt I'll write anything near decent enough to post beforehand, so that if you could. I'd appreciate the words, I need a poetic kick up the arse.
#4
I also think that you need a better transition from the first stanza. And there's typo in it, you misspelled peculiar, just to point it out.
I like the consistency with 'hands'. You describe all sorts of hands and by describing them you better establish the state of the characters themselves, and their traits. I also enjoyed the switching of talents: she can whistle but not snap, and you can vice versa. This really accentuates the contrast that is established between the two characters and works super well as an ending.

I really like the simile of foxes, but for the title I would changes it to "We Were Hung Like Foxes" because it just flows better as a title. Up to you. Also that has a double meaning, which I don't know if you meant...if not then I'm just wrong. Wrong wrong wrong. And defunct!

Anyways, on the whole I liked this quite a bit, partially because I think I understood it better than most of your pieces, but maybe I'm just thinking harder. Either way, well done.

If you could comment back on either
https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=701751
or
https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=701401
#5
Hey,

You still owe me from your last piece (I honestly think I typed something like tihs last night or this morning, either way I was still drunk so sorry if I've already posted tihs, but its not here anymore)

Insanity's Requiem in my sig needs some comments/crits.

peace and coconuts,

-ZC