#1
I haven’t written in awhile but let me know what you guys think. Thanks! Very Simple and Godsmack like.

Breathe

I can feel it haunting me
Hiding behind the lines
Reaching out for me
Controlling me inside, but you
Bring out the mistakes I’ve made
And all that I couldn’t change
And for what it’s worth
I hope you’re finally satisfied

(Chorus)
Reach into me, make this whole thing wash away
‘Cause I’m failing to breathe,
Failing to breathe, can’t control this wasted life,
I’m in too deep.

I can tell you all my fears
But would it calm me down?
Would it change the fact,
I just can’t hold back, with you
Destroying all that I am,
And all that I loved in life
And for what it’s worth
I hope you’re finally satisfied

(Chorus)

(Instrumental Bridge)

(Chorus 2x)

Failing to breathe!
Failing to breathe!
Failing to breathe……
KURCE FROM WITHIN
#2
this song has great potential. but it goes into way too much detail, it could use a little break everyonce in a while. do you have a recording of this song that i could listen to?
that would be great
#5
i could hear a tune in my head and yes i agree it does have great potential but some of it is a bit cheesy. failing to breath...i think u need to change that but over all i loved it!!
#6
I agree with ya on a certain extent, I'll look into revising it. Thanks for the crits.
KURCE FROM WITHIN
#7
I'm thinking Staind meets Fuel for this.
Quote by ottoavist

i suppose there's a chance
i'm just a litte too shallow to consider
that maybe i've been a little more eager
each day to wake up and take a shower
brush my teeth and smile for the mirror
#8
Quote by Kurce2003


Breathe

I can feel it haunting me - i like the image the first three lines create. it gives a very
Hiding behind the lines____dark mysterious feel
Reaching out for me
Controlling me inside, but you
Bring out the mistakes I’ve made___- im not sure if this is the effect you where
And all that I couldn’t change______going for but this line made me feel happy
And for what it’s worth
I hope you’re finally satisfied

(Chorus)
Reach into me, make this whole thing wash away___ i strongly agree with the others,
‘Cause I’m failing to breathe, ___________________ the failing to breathe thing is a
Failing to breathe, can’t control this wasted life,____ little over used. suggestion for
I’m in too deep.______________________________ change at the bottom.

I can tell you all my fears_________Love This Stanza, Really Nice, Personally I
But would it calm me down?_______Wouldnt Change It
Would it change the fact,
I just can’t hold back, with you
Destroying all that I am,
And all that I loved in life
And for what it’s worth
I hope you’re finally satisfied

(Chorus)

(Instrumental Bridge)

(Chorus 2x)

Failing to breathe!
Failing to breathe!
Failing to breathe……

(crit is in the quote)
over all i really liked it, i agree it does have great potential

suggestion: change "failing to breathe" to "choking on your (insert something to do with guy/girl whom you are talking about here)" or something similar.

crit mine?
Who decided that pie would be sold on Tuesday but not Wednesday?
Last edited by Dunjma at Nov 4, 2007,
#9
I like it... Its got something of the wow-feeling the lyrics of some great and famous bands give me... exept that failing-to-breathe-thing but i think dunjmas suggestions are really good... other than that great song.